"Freak Out" review

Freak Out (2004)

Directed by Christian James
Writing credits Christian James Dan Palmer

James Heathcote.... Merv Doody
Dan Palmer.... Onkey
Nicola Connell.... Abby
Yazz Fetto.... The Sheriff
Desmond Cullum-Jones.... Old Man Wilson
James King.... Merv's Boss
Tony Rogers.... Chip McCready
John Fallon.... Looney Doll (voice)
Chili Gold.... Cherry

I was sent this DVD. “Freak out” is about two idiots training a psychopath. An escapee from a mental institution ends up at a horror movie fan’s house. Naturally, he wants his new found discovery to be the best serial killer the world has ever seen. He sets about training him on how to stalk and slash. His entrepreneurial friend is ready to merchandise him into little loony dolls. Together they will mold their psychotic buddy into a slasher movie fan’s dream.

It should be pointed out at this juncture that “Freak Out” is a comedy/horror flick. These are the kinds of flicks I worry about the most. They usually don’t work. The horror gets shoved aside for cheap laughs. I’m happy to report that while this is certainly true about “Freak Out”, (especially the cheap part), the movie still works.

“Freak Out” is not even trying to be a horror flick. It’s just going for comedy. It’s looking for that horror movie fan audience who will appreciate its sick sense of humor. This movie was clearly made by horror movie geeks. I’m talking about the kind of geeks that sit around on the weekend having a “Leprechaun” marathon and wondering who would win in a fight between the Leprechaun and Chucky. Maybe you know a few guys like that. Maybe you are that guy. If so, I would recommend a viewing of “Freak Out”.

I was amused with “Freak Out”. It definitely had its moments. I was laughing at the drinking game scene. There were some other funny spots. If you want to see a wimpy psycho turn into a mean killing machine thanks to a couple of horror movie fans, check out this movie. “Freak Out” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 freaky friends
And of course, here's my favorite scene.

Well, not really. I just needed to get this amazing cleavage in my review.

"Illicit Dreams" review

Illicit Dreams (1995)

Directed by Andrew Stevens
Writing credits Karen Kelly

Andrew Stevens .... Nick Richardson
Shannon Tweed .... Moira Davis
Joseph Cortese .... Daniel Davis
Michelle Johnson .... Melinda Ryan

I bought this video for two bucks. I saw UNRATED on the back of the video box and decided to give it a shot. Well, it's official. I'm not a Shannon Tweed fan. She has a nice, muscular body but she just doesn't do it for me. Most of her movies try to be some sort of thriller with some sex on the side. The sex scenes should be the main course! "Illicit Dreams" has her finding the love of her life in her dreams. So who does she dream about night after night? Who is the only man for her who burns with a love that can transcend all space and time? Yeah, it's Andrew Stevens. This is a dream lover? Tweed has some strange fantasies.

So Tweed spends her illicit dream filled nights rolling around with Andrew Stevens. Anybody is better than her piggish, brute of a husband. Soon Tweed will realize that Stevens is the only man for her. She must get away. She must break free. After many dream sex scenes with Stevens, Tweed finally makes contact with him through their psychic link. Their love burns brighter than a thousand stars that have just gone supernova. Only this love will save her from her psychotic husband. If only I cared…

"Illicit Dreams" is a pretty standard sex thriller. Shannon Tweed is a B-movie sex queen but I just can't get into her flicks. There's always too much thriller and not enough sex. If you're not too demanding, you might find something to like here. If you just want to see Tweed naked, you've definitely come to the right place.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Tweeds dreaming illicitly

"Van Helsing" review

Van Helsing (2004)

Directed by Stephen Sommers
Writing credits Stephen Sommers

Hugh Jackman .... Van Helsing
Kate Beckinsale .... Anna Valerious
Richard Roxburgh .... Count Vladislaus Dracula
David Wenham .... Carl
Shuler Hensley .... Frankenstein's Monster
Elena Anaya .... Aleera

Van Helsing has an assignment from the Vatican: Hunt down these evil, out of control special effects before they overload the moviegoers brain. OOOOOHHHH! Too late. Summer movie overdose has fried any sense of fun left.

"Van Helsing" has all the movie elements that I would normally enjoy very much. So why was I bored watching it? This movie is the epitome of "too much of a good thing". Non stop special effects dilute your senses. This movie is trying to entertain you via a sledgehammer to the back of your head. My head is killing me.

On the plus side, the werewolf was appropriately vicious. The Dracula babes were sucktastic. Frankenstein's monster had a cool look to him too. Not as good as the vampire women mind you, but still pretty good. But the movie's reliance on special effects exposes the monsters for the fake creations they are. I knew Van Helsing was battling computer effects, not killer beasts. Ho hum. The end battle between Dracula and Van Wolfman was so obviously fake that I had to give in to the sledgehammer's warm embrace and call it a day. Zzzzzzzz….

SCORE: 2 out of 4 special effects attacking without mercy

"Ancient Evil 2: Guardian of the Underworld" review

Ancient Evil 2: Guardian of the Underworld (2005)

Directed by David Kann
Writing credits David Buscemi

Victoria Campbell.... Jen
Adam Lipskey.... Wheezer
Don Sandeen.... Hobo
Elza Minor.... Roland Henderson
Noel Francomano.... Oncilla

Ahh, "Ancient Evil 2". There were so many memories from the first flick. Actually, I don't remember a thing about it. I do remember that there was a mummy involved and that I hated it. Luckily for "Ancient Evil 2", I had forgotten about the first flick before I rented it. I saw a mummy creature with a jackal head on the video box cover and decided I needed to see this film. These split second decisions usually end up costing me.

So an evil babe with pigtails decides to resurrect a monster. Her crew all head out into the woods so that they can get this party started. The monster appears and starts killing people. The end. Victims, monster, woods. B-movie all the way.

Well, to spare you the pain, I must inform you that this movie is bad. Of course, there are all kinds of "bad". There's "good bad" or even "funny bad". This is "bad bad". What irritates me so much about this one? Haven't I seen countless cheap horror flicks? What's my problem? Well…

The second half of the movie is filmed in almost complete darkness. The monster is going on a rampage but I can't make out half of the action. Heads are being ripped off but since I don't have the night vision of an owl it's impossible to know for sure.

The acting was uniformly bad but I must give high (low) praise to the evil pigtail girl. Her overacting really made me cringe. Speaking of cringing, just listening to her lanky boyfriend talk about sex scared me more than the monster did.

Overall, this one needs to be avoided. While it's certainly no worse than many other B-flicks, there must be better ways to spend your time.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 bewitching babes with pigtails

"Way of the Vampire" review

Way of the Vampire (2005)

Directed by Sarah Nean Bruce Eduardo Durao
Writing credits Karrie Melendrez Sherri Strain

Rhett Giles.... Dr. Abraham Van Helsing
Paul Logan.... Dracula
Andreas Beckett.... Sebastien
Denise Boutte.... Arianna
Brent Falco.... Emily

Van Helsing attacks vampires. Vampires attack Van Helsing. That pretty much summarizes "Way of the Vampire".

Van Helsing tracks his prey to Los Angeles. It's always L.A. Vampires love the coast. Van Helsing forms a crew of slayers from various church volunteers. He tells them all about the Way of the Vampire and his long history with them. The main vampire plots to rid himself of his arch foe in between hanging out on a couch with three naked chicks and drinking a lot of blood.

There's nothing too shocking or interesting in "Way of the Vampire". It hums along exactly as you would expect it to. It won't cause you pain but it probably won't thrill you much either. Also, the sound quality was terrible. I was blasting the TV to hear the dialogue but all I could pick up was the faintest hint of it. The sound effects were loud and clear but the dialog was buried. I doubt I missed much but it would have been nice to hear what people were saying without destroying my eardrums in the process.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hard to hear Van Helsings

"Anatomy 2" review

Anatomy 2 (2003)
AKA Anatomie 2

Directed by Stefan Ruzowitzky
Writing credits Stefan Ruzowitzky

Ariane Schnug .... Junge Kellerin
August Diehl .... Benjamin 'Benny' Sachs
Herbert Knaup .... Prof. Charles Müller-LaRousse
Birgit von Rönn .... Referentin

The AAA club is back. This time a young doctor wants to roll with the cool crowd so he jumps on the AAA bandwagon. They are the Anti-Hippocratics. You've got to take risks to save lives, dang it! So this cool medical clique performs experiments on themselves to further their research. Everybody gets a synthetic muscle and other goodies. Ethics, murder and the state of modern medicine is debated as our hero comes to grips with the harsh reality that he is being used.

Speaking of being used, I thought this flick was supposed to be a horror movie. I saw the first "Anatomy" and mildly enjoyed it. "Anatomy" was a competent rip-off of "Scream" and other recent teen horror flicks. "Anatomy 2" doesn't even want to rip-off "Anatomy". Isn't that what sequels are supposed to do? Give us more of the same? "Anatomy 2" is trying to be some sort of medical thriller but I wasn't thrilled. No scares here. There are just doctors grappling with ethics as the hard rock music blasts away. Yeahhhhh....Snore....

They could make a hundred more "Anatomy" movies. Just make it a series of medical ethic thrillers. But count me out. I'm checking out of this B-movie hospital.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 because the franchise is sick - Physicians, heal thyself

"Weekend at Bernie's" review

Weekend at Bernie's (1989)

Directed by Ted Kotcheff
Writing credits Robert Klane

Andrew McCarthy .... Larry Wilson
Jonathan Silverman .... Richard Parker
Catherine Mary Stewart .... Gwen Saunders
Terry Kiser .... Bernie Lomax
Don Calfa .... Paulie, Vito's Hit Man
Catherine Parks .... Tina, Vito's Girl
Louis Giambalvo .... Vito

OK. Here's the deal. These two guys want to go up the corporate ladder right? So they do some investigating on their company's performance. They stumble upon some interesting information and tell their boss Bernie all about it. Bernie is so pleased that he invites them to spend the weekend with him to talk it over. Hence, "Weekend at Bernie's".

Wait! There's more! So our two heroes go out to the Hamptons to hang with Bernie. Here's the funny part. It turns out Bernie is trying to set up the murder of these two guys but instead he gets murdered himself! HAHAHAHA! Wait, wait! Here comes the main joke! When the two guys get there, they don't realize Bernie is dead. So they talk and hang out with him as if he were alive! AH-HAHAHAHAHA! Then a roaming party comes in and no one can comprehend that he's dead! WA-HAHAHAHA!! That's the joke! Bernie is dead! DEAD! It's a weekend with a dead guy! HARHARHAR!! Gotta love it!

If the idea of pretending a dead guy named Bernie is still alive sounds humorous to you, see this movie immediately. It has one joke and it does it very well. There is only dead, misunderstood Bernie. It worked for me.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 dead party animals

"Aftermath" review

Aftermath (1994)

Directed by Nacho Cerdà
Writing credits Nacho Cerdà

Xevi Collellmir
Jordi Tarrida
Ángel Tarris .... Marta
Pep Tosar

I bought this one at a comic book convention. The front of the box had a naked body on an autopsy slab. The back had three pictures of various scenes of carnage. That's it. No plot summary. No credits. Just pictures of blood and guts in a morgue. Kind of sells itself.

"Aftermath" is about a coroner who gets a little too involved in his work. Sound plays a crucial part in this movie although no one speaks a word. The coroner breathes as heavy as Darth Vader as he goes about his work. Every slice of skin, every crunch of bone is amplified so that it almost echoes. It's gruesome.

So we get to see an autopsy done in a very mechanical, matter of fact way. Guts and brains are taken out like it was another day at the office. Then a new corpse is wheeled in. A pretty girl. A dead pretty girl of course. This stirs up some weird feelings in the coroner as he gets very involved with her corpse. Slicing and dicing with abandon. She'll be glad she's dead.

"Aftermath" is a short film. It runs about 30 minutes. No words are spoken. Just the coroner cutting up corpses and having his way with them.

I highly recommend you find this one. It's very well made. An endurance test for the audience.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 demented coroners

"Zombie 4: After Death" review

Zombie 4: After Death (1988)
AKA After Death

Directed by Claudio Fragasso
Writing credits Rossella Drudi

Jeff Stryker .... Chuck (as Chuck Peyton)
Candice Daly .... Jenny
Massimo Vanni .... David (as Alex McBride)
Jim Gaines .... Dan

My brother and I watched this one. When it was over, we were knocked out by the B-movie madness we had just witnessed. To top it all off, one of the greatest cheesy rock songs of all time blasts over the end credits. You don't know rock music until you hear "Living after Death!!" We were singing the chorus all night long. What a party. Thank you "Zombie 4" for rocking our world.

"Zombie 4" is all about zombies. They're "Living after Death!!". These are some drooling zombies. The minute you see one, green or black sludge comes running out of their mouths. That's how you could tell if someone was a member of the living dead. Not by the grotesque scars on their bodies and faces, but by how much drool they could produce. It was their calling card. All the zombies in this movie dress in black like a ninja. They can jump around like one too. Our heroes end up on a "deserted" island and the black belt zombies attack.

This movie is hilarious. It's a B-movie extravaganza! Blood, zombies who shoot machine guns, gore, and tons of zombie killing action. I enjoyed it. Some hilarious spots: Near the end, one of the guys is wrestling with a zombie and you can clearly see the zombie is wearing clean, white underwear. Glad to see the zombies are into hygiene. They must have washing machines in Hell. There is another scene where the professor has a zombie in a headlock and bashes his head into a rock. The zombie falls straight back like a plank of wood making a "UHHHHHH..." sound as he falls. That was classic.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 rocking after death zombies

"Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway" review

Witchboard 2: The Devil's Doorway (1993)

Directed by Kevin Tenney
Writing credits Kevin Tenney

Ami Dolenz .... Paige
Christopher Michael Moore .... Jonas
Laraine Newman .... Elaine
Timothy Gibbs .... Mitch

I bought this video for two bucks. An artist moves into a haunted loft. Luckily for her, a Ouija Board comes with the apartment. Every fully furnished apartment needs one. A washer, a dryer, and a Ouija board. Soon she will attempt to make contact with the mysterious spirit hanging out at her pad. This leads to Ouija mayhem as the spirit is not as friendly as she might think but not nearly as evil as I would have liked.

You know, if there was a ghost living in my new apartment, I think I would move. I certainly wouldn't rush home to my Ouija board so I could make contact with whatever freeloading spirit happened to be crashing on my couch. The girl in this one gets addicted to using the Ouija, or Witchboard. There's a lot of Ouija action going on here, far too much for my taste. There are only so many scenes of the Ouija pointer going round and round I can watch and still call it entertainment. Once the malevolent spirit is revealed, it really doesn't do much of interest. All that Ouija work is wasted on a lazy spirit who doesn't have the time to dream up some diabolical deaths.

"Witchboard 2" can be skipped with a clear conscience. The deaths are sparse, the gore is minimal and the spirit is weak.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 fully Witchboard furnished lofts

"Emmanuelle 5" review

Emmanuelle 5 (1987)
AKA Emmanuelle V

Directed by Steve Barnett Walerian Borowczyk
Writing credits Walerian Borowczyk

Monique Gabrielle .... Emmanuelle
Crofton Hardester .... Eric

I bought this video for three bucks. The most important thing to know about "Emmanuelle 5" is that Monique Gabrielle gets naked a lot. She has a tight body and loves to strut it around. She's Emmanuelle! That's what Emmanuelle does. No man can control her. No woman can keep her. No clothes can cover her. She will live her life her way and there's not a thing any jealous billionaire can do about it. Emmanuelle is for all to love. Don't get greedy.

So Emmanuelle ends up on an island run by a maniacal dictator. He wants to host the premiere of her new film and force her to join his harem. Does he really think he can control the wild and untamed Emmanuelle? HA HA you fool! Don't you know? No man can control her! Soon Emmanuelle will make a break for it with the help of a photographer and an AK-47.

Well, this wasn't a good movie but with this many breasts on display, I can't complain too much. Gabrielle doesn't quite have the range necessary to tackle the demands of being Emmanuelle. You know, like being able to act sad, happy, excited, distraught or just about any other emotion you can think of. She has sex about four times and looks pretty good doing it. There are also a lot of scenes in the harem where the topless women roam. Overall, this Emmanuelle isn't worth the time but if you must see it, I doubt you'll get too upset watching it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 naughty Emmanuelles Very naughty! Clothes don't last long around Emmanuelle.

"Gods and Generals" review

Gods and Generals (2003)

Directed by Ronald F. Maxwell
Writing credits Ronald F. Maxwell

Jeff Daniels .... Lt. Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain
Mark Aldrich .... Adjutant
Stephen Lang .... Lt. Gen. Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson
George Allen .... Confederate Officer
Robert Duvall .... Gen. Robert E. Lee

One thing you must know before sitting through this four hour (!) flick is that there is no dialogue. Well, none any real person would speak anyway. Everyone is giving speeches to everyone else. Even the most innocuous event needed to be peppered with melodrama. "Want to be my cook?" "I want to live free sir and yes I can cook." "Then by the grace of God, ye shall cook for me!" This movie needed to lighten up. One or two comedic moments would have helped to lighten the load.

"Gods and Generals" is a bloated war flick. They could have cut at least an hour out of it and it wouldn't have missed a thing. Why was everything so melodramatic? It got to be very draining listening to speech after speech. "We're fighting to free the slaves, it's in God's hands, he's crying for all of them...etc." Good Lord the movie was out of control. No one could stop this flick from going over the top.

There were three good battle scenes. The problem is that by the third battle they've pulled out all the war movie tricks they know. There are only so many times you can watch a line of men get shot at and get hit with cannon fire. But it's still good to watch a big battle scene. Overall, way too much drama to be truly enjoyable. However the movie improves immensely with the frequent use of the fast forward button.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 melodramatic soldiers on the march

"Hitcher in the Dark" review

Hitcher in the Dark (1989)
AKA Paura nel buio

Directed by Umberto Lenzi
Writing credits Olga Pehar

Joe Balogh .... Mark Glazer
Josie Bissett .... Daniela Foster
Jason Saucier .... Kevin

A psycho and his Winnebago. So a nut travels up and down the Virginia Beach coastline looking for hitchhikers. Seems lonely boy has a fixation on his mother. Don't they all? He wants to mold the hitchhikers into his hot, saintly mother's image. Lurid mind games follow.

This movie could have been good. The problem is the acting. Since most of the movie is spent having the psycho converse with his prey, it is imperative that the psycho be believable and, if at all possible, scary. He is none of that. In fact, he's awful. One of the worst acting performances ever. Since the camera is on him through most of the flick, he starts to wear you down with his lazy psycho routine. The hitchhiker he picks up, (Josie Bissett), was good. All of the other actors stunk. The music was also horrible. Late 80's synthesizer cheese.

On the plus side, the movie did have an authentic, grimy feel to it. The filmmakers knew the right deranged words to put in the psycho's mouth. He just couldn't deliver them convincingly. There are some good exploitation scenes in his camper. Here's the psycho party mix: A girl, chloroform and an instant camera. It makes for a happy psycho. I did enjoy the completely unnecessary wet T-shirt contest as well.

"Hitcher in the Dark" may just be sordid enough to warrant a viewing. I can't say that I loved every second of it but it does have its seedy moments.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 psychotic Winnebagos

"Batman & Robin" review

Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed by Joel Schumacher
Writing credits Akiva Goldsman

Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries
George Clooney .... Batman/Bruce Wayne
Chris O'Donnell .... Robin/Dick Grayson
Uma Thurman .... Poison Ivy/Dr. Pamela Isley
Alicia Silverstone .... Batgirl/Barbara Wilson
Michael Gough .... Alfred Pennyworth
Pat Hingle .... Commissioner James Gordon
John Glover .... Dr. Jason Woodrue
Elle Macpherson .... Julie Madison
Vivica A. Fox.... Ms. B. Haven

Bat-nipples and Bat-rear ends. That horrific sight starts the movie off. That should give you a good indication of where this train wreck is heading. "Batman and Robin" goes for all out, unapologetic, campy cheese. Poor Batman. I felt bad for the Dark Knight and the neutering he endured with this flick.

Mr. Freeze terrorizes Gotham City with his deadly freezing power and atrocious jokes: "The ICEMAN cometh." "All right everybody, CHILL!" And my personal favorite: "You're not sending me to the COOLER!" Poison Ivy shows up to vamp and camp it up. Batman and Robin argue about Poison Ivy and various trust issues. They have issues. But isn't the real issue how they feel about each other? Putting on those leather outfits night after night is doing something strange to them...
If a Batman flick is working like it should, I shouldn't even be thinking there is something going on between the Bat-boys. Obviously, "Batman and Robin" is not working. Batman is the coolest super hero out there. But first and foremost, he is a detective. He is an obsessed maniac who puts on a bat costume every night to do battle with the same criminal elements that murdered his parents. The Batman in "Batman and Robin" was a bad joke telling, worry wart of a father figure. Or maybe he was supposed to be a big brother figure? Or was it a frustrated lover figure? All of these figures are bad. When I think Batman, I think brooding, obsessive loner. Remember filmmakers: Batman = Brooding. Not moping. There's a difference.

I'd go 2 out of 4 on this one. The only thing I liked about "Batman and Robin" was Uma Thurman. She gets both points. She was quite hot as Poison Ivy. She could blow her love dust in my face. I'd obey. I'm not as powerful as Bane but I am just as loyal. I'd need a super villain name though. If her garden needs tending, call me The Fertilizer.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 garden tending Ivys

"Lifeforce" review

Lifeforce (1985)

Directed by Tobe Hooper
Writing credits Dan O'Bannon

Steve Railsback .... Colonel Tom Carlsen
Peter Firth .... Colonel Colin Caine/Security Officer on phone
Frank Finlay .... Dr. Hans Fallada
Mathilda May .... Space Girl
Patrick Stewart .... Dr. Armstrong

A space crew brings back three bodies from an alien ship. All naked. All supermodel quality. Two guys and one girl. The guys don't count for much. They're not that important. What is important is the naked alien woman, (Mathilda May). She is to be feared and despised for being so feminine. Instead of doing the usual vampire move of biting people on the neck, she kisses her victims and steals their LIFEFORCE.

This movie is in fear of the female body. Mathilda spends the beginning portion of the movie completely naked. The men can't get over how alluring she is. When the main astronaut from space has a dream about her he says, "You're taking too much life out of me!" This is while she's smothering him in kisses. Naked females are life sucking vampires. Stealing precious blue soul light from weak men.

When the movie brought out the "psychic link" angle, it veered straight into tedium. The main hero can now "see what she sees" etc. This leads them on a road trip here and there to find the hot alien life sucker. It had a good amount of alien nudity, there were a few cool life sucking effects but the longer the movie went on, the more it dragged.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 naked space girls

"Starsky & Hutch" review

Starsky & Hutch (2004)

Directed by Todd Phillips
Writing credits Stevie Long

Ben Stiller .... David Starsky
Owen Wilson .... Ken Hutchinson
Snoop Dogg .... Huggy Bear
Fred Williamson .... Captain Doby
Vince Vaughn .... Reese Feldman
Juliette Lewis .... Kitty
Jason Bateman .... Kevin
Amy Smart .... Holly
Carmen Electra .... Staci

"Starsky and Hutch" certainly had a lot of promise. I wanted to believe that Stiller and Wilson could make a funny movie. So I went out to see it. My dad told me that it was going to stink and I shouldn't waste my money. I'm afraid I have to tell you that Pop was pretty much on target. Dang.

"Starsky and Hutch" was a flat, unfunny comedy. I can sum up everything that was good about it this way: It had three laughs and a 3-way. I laughed a grand total of three times. Yes. I was counting. Just do the math to see how "Starsky and Hutch" adds up. For a feature with a running time of 101 minutes, why that's one laugh every 33.6 minutes! For a $6.50 matinee, that's $2.16 a laugh! Wow! What a bargain! When I look at it this way, I get really, really depressed. That's just the feeling you want to have after seeing a comedy.

After watching "Starsky and Hutch", I think I can now safely say that Owen Wilson doesn't do it for me. I've liked him in other movies but his act is getting worn out. He's got the laid back thing going on but it's not making me laugh. He looks like he'd be much happier sitting by a pool with a large alcoholic drink than actually taking the time to make a movie. Come to think of it, that does sound like a good idea. He may be on to something.

There was one cool scene which showed the start of a three-way between Wilson, Smart and Electra. This pleased me immensely. Amy Smart lays some kisses on Carmen Electra. You gotta love that. I can give the movie a point for that scene. To paraphrase Snoop Dogg, "That puts you at point one!"

I also liked the scene where Stiller faces off against the Ron Jeremy look alike on the disco dance floor. Wilson: "Please don't do this!" Stiller: "Don't worry about it. I can take him." Wilson: "It's not that! It's just so incredibly lame!" It was one of my three laughs. That puts you at point two!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for three laughs and a three-way

"Seed of Chucky" review

Seed of Chucky (2004)

Directed by Don Mancini
Writing credits Don Mancini

Brad Dourif .... Chucky (voice)
Jennifer Tilly .... Herself & Tiffany
Billy Boyd .... Glen/Glenda (voice)
Redman .... Himself
Hannah Spearritt .... Joan
John Waters .... Pete Peters

First of all, let me state the obvious about Jennifer Tilly. She has huge breasts. There. I said it. It had to be said. I feel better now. So if Chucky was going to be doll-napped by anyone, I'm glad it was by a babe like her."Seed of Chucky" is all about Jennifer Tilly. It's about her life, her career, her house and her unwanted killer doll visitors. Chucky and Tiffany hang around her house and long to be just like her. Well, Tiffany wants to be like her and Chucky just wants to be himself. "I'm Chucky, the killer doll! And I dig it!" Tiffany's star worship blinds her to the fact that Tilly is running away with the movie. Chucky tries to fight back but it's to no avail. Tilly's breasts are too powerful to resist.

There are a lot of demented horror moments in this outing. Chucky and friends are pretty bloodthirsty. Heads fly in the air, people get fired and directors get cut. "Seed of Chucky" is a pretty good horror flick. I had a good time.

"Seed of Chucky" also gives us a chance to meet Chucky and Tiffany's offspring, Glen or Glenda. Get it? Ed Wood gets a nod. John Waters also gets a chance to be noticed. But the real star here is Jennifer Tilly. All "Seed of Chucky" needed was for Tilly to get topless and roll around on the floor with Chucky in slow motion. Here's the sequel: Chucky vs. Tilly: Last Doll Standing.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 because Jennifer Tilly hijacked the Chucky franchise - and I dig it!

"On Deadly Ground" review

On Deadly Ground (1994)

Directed by Steven Seagal
Writing credits Ed Horowitz Robin U. Russin

Steven Seagal .... Forrest Taft
Michael Caine .... Michael Jennings
Joan Chen .... Masu
John C. McGinley .... MacGruder
R. Lee Ermey .... Stone

Steven Seagal - Eco warrior. Seagal decides the oil companies are getting too greedy. It's time to take out the garbage. Michael Caine (!) shows up as the most evil oil tycoon in the world. Its Caine vs Seagal in a battle for the soul of Mother Earth.

"On Deadly Ground" was the beginning of the end for poor Steven Seagal. I love his early action flicks. My Dad and I would look forward to each successive Seagal bloodbath. The key to his success was that he always played a cop out to bust gangster's heads open. That routine never got old. Arms would break, bullets would fly and I would cheer like a madman. WOO-HOO! Unfortunately, I didn't cheer during this one.

For some inexplicable reason, Seagal felt he needed to send his action fans a message. That message was: "Save the environment". Good message. Wrong forum. The very end of the movie has Seagal giving a speech about proper environmental care. No one wants to hear Seagal drone on about the environment. It put a spike through my heart to hear one of my favorite action stars lecture me on how the Earth is getting abused.

Oh well. Seagal had a good run. I've got a lot of good memories. This isn't one of them.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 artic ranger Seagals

"Spookies" review

Spookies (1987)

Directed by Eugenie Joseph Thomas Doran
Writing credits Ann Burgund Thomas Doran

Felix Ward .... Kreon
Maria Pechukas .... Isabelle
Dan Scott .... Kreon's Servant
Alec Nemser .... Billy

This must be one of the worst movies of all time. I think I've seen enough of them to make that bold statement. My friend and I were howling in agony as scene after scene bombarded our brains with their toxic fumes. See mud men attack people while uncontrollably passing gas! Feel your brain implode! Swear off B-movies for life! Well at least a week. I tried to think of some positive things to say about it but I was shouted down by, "No! No! That was awful! WOOOOOOOO!! What a stinkburger!" My friend went screaming out of my apartment, mad that he had driven all the way over for "Spookies".

The only good thing to say about the movie is that it has one of the best "bad acting" scenes ever. A dance is going on in the house. A couple stops dancing. The guy looks at her and says, "Carol, what's wrong?" You don't know deadpan until you see the way these words drop out of his mouth and fall flat on the floor. The look of utter blankness on his face was fantastic. I laughed. At least I got something good out of "Spookies".

SCORE: LANDFILL