Putri mendem: September 2009

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

In My Dreams, Your Alive and Your Crying...

So i saw a doctor today and i'm not so sure how it went. I basically spilled my guts and didn't hold back from anything, except from flat out saying i did porn for a living. I said, "if you can imagine the biggest scumbag you have encountered in your life, and put my face on his... that is basically the life i have led, and if i look alittle to well put togther to make that imagine in your head, hold water... just assume that i clean up well when i need to."
I found it funny how many times he asked me, if i owned a gun. Is there a gun in the house i live in? was i sure? I think i made myself sound crazy when the only thing i replied was "trust me, if there was a gun in my house i, sure as shit wouldn't be here looking for help, because i would have all the help i needed at home".
Ha Ha?
No?
The look on his face from my responce told me to bite my tongue... You dummy, Don't tell him your fantasy of running around your old gym like the kid from virginia tech. Just... kidding???
But my first red flag went off when i started talking about some my problems with my boyfriend and one of his responces to a simple statement was, "well he must have known what you do for a living, right?"
Now, i know i didnt say, i was an adult actor... and i replied without saying, "yes, he knew i was a porn star". I just said yes and kept the conversation moving. He knew i was on to him when he later asked exactly what i did for a living and then gave me the bullshit "oh really" kinda responce.
I from that point on i gave up caring... once again, i just felt like it was all bullshit... i'm gonna spill my guts and confess all the dirty shit in my life to you, in search of some sort of relief and your gonna try and get over on me? Are you that dumb? or even worse, do you think that i am that dumb?
I ended our bullshit meeting in the search of a handful of perscriptions... he wasn't that dumb. So now, i'm basically sitting here considering the whole, self medicating route, god, i could use a drink, its been almost a full year since i have had alcohol control me... i guess i'm just getting to the point of not caring at all anymore...