"Black Christmas" review

Black Christmas (2006)

Directed by Glen Morgan
Writing credits Glen Morgan

Katie Cassidy .... Kelli
Michelle Trachtenberg .... Melissa
Mary Elizabeth Winstead .... Heather
Lacey Chabert .... Dana
Kristen Cloke .... Leigh
Andrea Martin .... Ms. Mac
Crystal Lowe .... Lauren

I saw “Black Christmas” in a dinky theater with two other guys. Literally, two other guys. We were the only ones there. They weren’t friends of mine; they just kind of stumbled into the theater. Each one of us had a whole row to ourselves. It was great. Best audience I’ve seen a movie with in a long time. So it was three die hard horror fans that came out to see a Christmas-set slasher flick. Who else would possibly watch this?

A bunch of college girls are stuck in their sorority house over Christmas. It just so happens that their house used to be occupied by a psychotic killer. This year, the nutcase decides to come home and ruin their festivities. By bashing their heads in and carving their eyes out of course. He doesn’t like the way they look at him. Many girls will pay the price for not going home for the holidays.

I can’t tell you how much I was looking forward to seeing sorority babes run for their lives from a holly jolly madman. “Black Christmas” held promise. But this movie reminds us all why slasher flicks shouldn’t be set during the winter. The sorority girls are wearing too much clothing! They can’t jump in the pool, can’t skinny dip in the lake, etc. What can they do? Wear lots of scarves and mittens that’s what! It’s just not right. Psychos need tempting targets.

Now, speaking of the sorority girls, I’m not one to complain about such a trivial thing in a slasher flick as characterization. But “Black Christmas” doesn’t even make a vague attempt to differentiate between these women. I mean, they are all the same woman. The same over dressed, idiotic woman who creeps into dark spaces so she can die as quickly as possible.

“Black Christmas” is a by the numbers slasher flick. It’s as stripped down and efficient a blood spilling machine as I’ve seen. That doesn’t mean it’s scary. Or good for that matter. The women walk around the house and get killed. That’s all there is to it. It has a couple of decent gore scenes so it’s not totally worthless. It moved right along and kept the blood flowing. If you’re in need of a slasher movie fix, “Black Christmas” may be worth a rental. But if your need for bloody slasher mayhem isn’t desperate, I’d let this one go.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 lambs to the slaughter

"Bloody New Year" review

Bloody New Year (1987)

Directed by Norman J. Warren
Writing credits Frazer Pearce

Suzy Aitchison .... Lesley
Nikki Brooks .... Janet
Colin Heywood .... Spud
Mark Powley .... Rick
Catherine Roman .... Carol

Ahh, the New Year is here. So many hopes and possibilities stretch out before us. What wild and wondrous things will be accomplished this year? Who can say? All I know is that I’ve started off the New Year with another B-movie so all is going according to plan in my world.

I’ve had “Bloody New Year” collecting dust on my DVD pile for many a moon now. I just never seemed to be in the mood for an 80’s British horror movie. When I woke up this morning, I was looking for something timely to watch. My New Year needed to start off with some B-movie madness. The time was finally right for “Bloody New Year”.

So a bunch of fun loving, twenty-something teens end up on a deserted island. It soon becomes clear to them that there is something really weird going on. Various malevolent spirits want the teens to stay on the island forever. The ghosts are stuck doing the time warp again. It’s always 1959 on this island. It’s time for a bloody New Year.

I suppose I should give “Bloody New Year” some points for being creative. This movie wants it all. It has ghosts popping off of movie screens, angry fish nets attacking, hungry dishwashers, and of course, killer ping pong balls. There’s even one scene where two of the teens are stalked by an evil laugh track. The camera chases after them while unseen forces laugh their heads off. Some might call this a good change of pace from the usual maniac with insatiable bloodlust flick. As for me, I found it all to be a little too goofy. “Bloody New Year” was not satisfied with just being a run of the mill slasher movie. I would have been happier if it was. The space time continuum was whacked out of its mind.

I also want to highlight the description on the back of the DVD: “Set on a deserted island, and in an empty amusement park, a group of teenagers have sex and get killed in a variety of ways.” Sounds like every other slasher flick right? Except for the fact that whoever wrote that description has not seen this movie. There is no sex or nudity of any kind in this movie. I was on the lookout for it but was denied. Also, the amusement park was not empty and it’s only in the first 10-15 minutes. Can you believe the description on the DVD lied? Can you?! Shocked are you? Well, you shouldn’t be. This is standard B-movie practice. I should know better.

Overall, I was not satisfied with this one. There was a little blood and some interesting ghostly gimmicks but it wasn’t enough. Also, the “New Year” angle doesn’t really figure into the movie until the last five minutes. It’s actually July when the teens arrive on the island. Casper and his not so friendly ghosts are the only ones who are still partying like it’s 1959. One lie brings more lies which make B-movie reviewers say enough is enough. Let's not do the time warp again.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 not so bloody new years