"Victim of Desire" review

Victim of Desire (1995)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits William C. Martell

Marc Singer.... Peter Starky
Shannon Tweed.... Carla Duvall
Julie Strain.... Linda Hammond
Wings Hauser.... Leland Duvall
Jay Richardson.... Richard Jordan

I bought this tape for four bucks at a local video store. It had my favorite Amazon sex queen Julie Strain on the cover with her hair covering her naked breasts. The B-movie beast inside me started to growl. Buy this!!! RARRRR!! I obeyed.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't watch this movie in the technical sense of the word. I fast forwarded through it. I wanted to see what Strain had in store for me right away.

Bad news. "Victim of Desire" is a bust. Strain has one shower scene where she takes her time scrubbing her breasts, (it is a Jim Wynorski movie after all), and a sex scene in the dark. The beast inside me was not satiated. RARRRRR!!! Disaster!

Shannon Tweed shows up and has two sex scenes with the Beastmaster, (not me but Marc Singer). They were fair scenes but I wanted more Strain action. There is another scene where Strain is giving a massage to Tweed. If a scene in which two B-queens are giving massages ends in anything less than a full blown sex party, you have to take out the garbage bag and toss the movie away. Can you guess how it ended? "Victim of Desire" has got to go.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 because I needed more Strain! RARRRRR!!

"Ice Crawlers" review

Ice Crawlers (2003)
AKA Deep Freeze

Directed by John Carl Buechler
Writing credits Robert Boris

Allen Lee Haff.... Curtis
Götz Otto.... Nelson (as Goetz Otto)
Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld.... Dr. Monica Kelsey
Karen Nieci.... Arianna

"Ice Crawlers" is a complete disaster. Part of me wants to shred this movie point by point but it's just not worth it. Basically a killer bath mat from the Jurassic period attacks some dolts in a big lab. There is no female nudity however we do get to see an incredibly hairy old guy take a shower. He was the true monster in "Ice Crawlers". Staring at his ugly, wolf man body almost made me run to the bathroom. Something was crawling up my throat. The movie makes every possible misstep and comes limping back for more.

You know the drill. You've seen this movie a million times before. Well, maybe you haven't but I can assure you I have. Some lame brained monster wiggles his way into the isolated setting and proceeds to go to town on various idiots. There's no blood, no fun, no joy, no hope. So just say no.

Stick this movie in the Deep Freeze. Let future generations dig it out. Who knows? In a thousand years, it may be worth something. But I doubt it. It'll still be "Ice Crawlers".

SCORE: LANDFILL