"The Breastford Wives" review

The Breastford Wives (2007)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Taylor Wayne (as Taylor Wane)
Glori-Anne Gilbert
Monique Parent

The women of Breastford have a secret. They’re all sex slaves to the powerful Dr. Pimp Daddy. The good news is that they hate keeping secrets and start banging the new guy in town before he can even unpack. Stud man has brought along Glori-Anne Gilbert for the ride and she gets to go a few rounds with the Breastford Wives. Many more sex starved women will service super stud and Dr. Pimp Daddy until his nefarious plans are revealed by a horny Monique Parent. More brain washed sex follows.

OK. It’s official. I can’t deny it any longer. Glori-Anne Gilbert just does not do it for me. I don’t care how big her breasts are. Magnetism, sex appeal, and other elements that attract are deficient in her. In “Breastford Wives” she plays the bubble headed wife who gets to have threesomes with some of the wives. Once again she manages to turn each three-way into a waste of time. The infamous bath and hot tubs from “Lust Connection” and “Witches of Breastwick” make their triumphant return but they put Glori-Anne in with the bubbles and it all falls to pieces. Let’s put it this way, I fast forwarded through all of her sex scenes. When I pass up a lesbian three-way, you’ve got problems.

I know, I know. She’s probably a really nice person and I’m a mean guy for putting down her softcore skills. But that’s the problem. She’s too nice. She doesn’t give off any sort of desirability. She’s OK in a guy/girl sex scene but lesbians scenes are a bust. She doesn’t look like she knows what she’s doing and even if she really loves being with other women, it doesn’t look like she wants to be there. Doctor Pimp would have to whip up an extra potent love potion to get her up to Breastford wife status.

As for the rest of the movie, it was a typical Wynorski softcore adventure shot at his favorite cabin up in the woods. They must have had two days left on the lease and decided to squeeze in one more sex flick. Any girl who could make the drive up there got to be in the movie.

The main Breastford wife was Taylor Wane and she gives the town of Breastford a good name. She makes a fine welcoming committee. Thanks to her horny master’s policies, she gets to have a lot of practice in welcoming new people to the neighborhood. One scene had Dr. Horny have his three favorite sex drones line up on his bed on their hands and knees. He couldn’t decide who to have anal sex with so he bangs all three. That’s how a pimp daddy rolls. At least he’s using his advanced mind control technology for something useful.

“Breastford Wives” is a decent softcore flick. It’s not too exciting but with this many naked Breastford women, I can’t totally condemn it. Like “Lust Connection” and “Witches of Breastwick”, it cuts down on a lot of the fluff and just goes for as much sex as possible. They upgraded a little bit with the main stud this time but there weren’t as many recognizable ladies. Most of the Breastford wives were unknown to me except for Glori-Anne and Taylor Wane. But if you’re in the mood to watch sex crazed women go to town on a guy the second they see him, “Breastford Wives” may be what you’re looking for.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Breastford Wives