"Wedding Slashers" review

Wedding Slashers (2006)

Director: Carlos Scott
Writers: John Howard Robert Paul Medrano

Dickie Collins... Will
Mark Cumberland... The Executioner
Tanith Fiedler... Ashley
Maria Ford
Kristin Hansen... Mom
Ross Kelly... Alex
Jessica Kinney... Jenna
Richard Lynch... Daddy

A bride is having second thoughts on the eve of her nuptials. She thinks she is going to have a bloody wedding and wants to call the whole thing off. It seems her family is just a little bit possessive and likes to kill any potential lover/boyfriend/husband. She thought she had left the folks behind but they’re back to slash their way through the guests, ushers, bridesmaids, best man and anyone else who happens to be standing around.

First off, let me say how happy I was to see Maria Ford back in B-movies. I rented “Wedding Slashers” because I saw that she was in it. Although she wasn’t in the movie for very long, I still enjoyed seeing Ford going through the horror movie motions. It’s comforting to see a familiar face even if Ford’s was hacked to pieces.

“Wedding Slashers” is a fun B-movie. It doesn’t waste a lot of time on filler and other sleep inducing scenes. You pay to see people get sliced and diced at a wedding and that’s what you get. There are plenty of gory scenes as the guest list gets trimmed by the homicidal bride’s family. Ford’s early demise was a classic that I had to rewind a couple of times to get the full blood gushing effect. “Wedding Slashers” has heads being lopped off, eyes getting popped out and other wholesome scenes of carnage.

So if you’re in the mood to watch a psychotic family turn their daughter’s big day into a blood splattered ceremony, “Wedding Slashers” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bloody brides

"Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors" review

Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors (2001)

Director: John Bacchus
Writers: John Bacchus Joe Ned

Darian Caine ... Eroticus
Erin Brown ... Clitoris (as Misty Mundae)
Jade Duboir ... Orgasmus
John Paul Fedele ... Dickus Minimus (as John P. Fedele)
Debbie Rochon ... Slave Master Fellatio
Katie Jordan ... Lesbian Axe Gladiator
A.J. Khan ... Lesbian Spear Gladiator
Ruby Larocca ... Clitoris' Wench (as Esmerelda Dellaroca)
Lilly Tiger ... Horny Seamstress

I bought this DVD because it felt like the right time for some lesbian gladiators. Come to think of it, it’s always the right time for some lesbian gladiators. Darian Caine wants to take on the forces of darkness after being enslaved as a lesbian gladiator. She attacks anyone who crosses her path by having lesbian gladiator sex with them. Debbie Rochon shows up and does not have lesbian gladiator sex. Darian overcomes Debbie’s Sapphic reluctance by getting it on with every other female cast member – Lesbian gladiator style.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there were a lot of lesbian gladiators in this movie. There was some juvenile plot going on in the background but I found it better to ignore that nonsense and fast forward through it all. Whenever a man showed up trying to explain something, it was fast forward time. It didn’t matter what he had to say. Whatever it was, it would’ve been a complete waste of time to listen to it. He wasn’t a lesbian gladiator so who cares what he’s babbling about? One day perhaps filmmakers will realize that men have no place in a lesbian gladiator movie.

So if you ignore all of the idiotic men in this movie, “Gladiator Eroticvs” is a pretty good softcore flick. Darian Caine gets to have most of the fun in this one. Everyone gets a piece of Caine. For some reason, her voice is dubbed. They didn’t believe that a raspy voiced Caine could be believable as the lesbian general?! I’m shocked and disgusted. Well, not really. But I did think it was funny. One of my favorite sex scenes had Caine and Jade Duboir going at it on the field of lesbian battle. Whatever happened to Jade Duboir? She was great in this one. I also loved her in “Vampire Obsession”. She’s got perfect perky breasts that beg for a lesbian gladiator licking. Caine was there to oblige her.

Later in the movie, A.J. Khan shows up in a battle scene along with Katie Jordan and some other lesbian gladiators. It quickly shifts gears into an orgy. A.J. Khan knows a thing or two about being a lesbian gladiator. A.J. and Katie Jordan go very well together. In one part of the raging battle orgy, A.J. yanks Katie’s hair back so she can get at her breasts. Jordan likes it a little rough and Khan pushes all of her buttons. She pushes mine too.

A.J. Khan is great. Its women like her that makes softcore flicks worth watching. It’s not just about posing for the camera. It’s about knowing what your onscreen partner likes and trying to get a strong reaction out of them. I’ve never seen a bad A.J. Khan sex scene. Some are better than others but she has tried her best to make it hot.

So if you’re looking for lesbian gladiators, and I’m sure you are, “Gladiator Eroticvs” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 A.J. Eroticvs

"Skin Crawl" review

Skin Crawl (2007)

Director: Justin Wingenfeld
Writer: Justin Wingenfeld

Debbie Rochon ... Margret
Julian Wells ... Sadie
Kevin G. Shinnick ... Howard
Erin Brown ... Streetwalker (as Misty Mundae)
John Paul Fedele
Gustavo Ferrari ... Frank
Ruby Larocca ...Franco's Wife

Julian Wells is a conniving, sleazy home wrecker. She sets her sights on some hapless jerk who’s married to Debbie Rochon. How this guy managed to get with both Debbie Rochon and Julian Wells requires a suspension of disbelief of mammoth proportions. She convinces her chump lover that they should knock off Rochon before she gets a chance to divorce him. With the help of some other Seduction Cinema regulars, Rochon is dispatched to her grave. Little does anyone know that Rochon’s ancestors were witches who cast some sort of zombie revenge spell on their bloodline. If one of their descendants should be murdered, they will rise from their grave to get their revenge. Julian better watch out for Debbie of the Dead.

“Skin Crawl” lets Julian take the spotlight as she plots and schemes her way into some easy money. After all, who could possibly resist Julian Wells? Once she puts on the leather pants, it’s a done deal. “Skin Crawl” lets Julian be as sexy and evil as she wants to be. It also has my new favorite Julian Wells line. In one scene, Julian and her sap boyfriend are lounging around in the kitchen. She knows that he is dying to try some anal sex with her. She turns around, slips off her tight leather pants and says, “I’m already lubed baby.” Classic. Freaking classic.

Of course what’s really shocking about “Skin Crawl” is that Julian Wells is having sex with men. Being a long time veteran of Julian cinema, I found myself slightly thrown off by the fact that she wasn’t making out with Misty Mundae. But “Skin Crawl” really gives you as much Julian Wells as you could want as there are many scenes where she is either topless or having sex. Or both! Oh, and who could forget her scene as the shy schoolgirl who needs a spanking? I know I can’t. Neither will you. “Skin Crawl” is a pretty decent B-movie. I enjoyed it. But as a horror movie, it’s slightly lacking. The horror elements don’t manifest themselves until an hour has gone by. “Skin Crawl” plays like an episode of “Tales from the Crypt”. People get their comeuppance from an undead Debbie. Unfortunately, zombie Debbie doesn’t show up until most of the movie has gone by. When she finally does make her appearance, she tears through her wicked killers with great speed. The good news is that Debbie spills a lot of guts on her road to revenge. The guilty will pay dearly for messing with Debbie. “Skin Crawl” is worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 scheming Wells

Shocking. Show...Julian...the...MONEY!

"Satan's Little Helper" review

Satan's Little Helper (2004)

Director: Jeff Lieberman
Writer: Jeff Lieberman

Alexander Brickel ... Douglas "Dougie" Whooly
Katheryn Winnick ... Jenna Whooly
Stephen Graham ... Alex Martin
Amanda Plummer ... Merrill Whooly
Wass Stevens ... Dean Whooly
Dan Ziskie ... Vernon Martin
Melisa McGregor ... Nicole

My brother was visiting me in L.A. a couple of weeks ago and we decided to watch one last B-movie before sending him home. We had started the weekend off with a viewing of “Supercroc” and almost had a heart attack watching it. Actually, my brother was so drunk that he barely remembers it. When I reminded him that he actually had seen the movie he said, “Oh yeah! The crayon alligator!” Ahh memories. Can’t beat them.

So my brother, a friend and I got ready to bounce back with another movie. I had two movies sitting on my DVD pile and it was time to give one of them a spin. I told them it was down to “Undead”, an Australian zombie movie, or “Satan’s Little Helper”. They asked, “Which one do you want to see?” I said I felt like watching a zombie movie. They both replied in unison, “Let’s see “Satan’s Little Helper”.” Good to see that they trust my B-movie judgment.

“Satan’s Little Helper” is about a masked psycho killer and the boy who worships him. The kid is obsessed with a video game called Satan’s Little Helper and gets ecstatic when he actually meets Satan. Actually, “Satan” is just a guy in a Halloween mask who keeps nodding his head when the kid asks him questions. Soon the little helper will guide “Satan” through town so he can help him kill as many people as possible. The kid’s voluptuous sister plays along with “Satan” too as she believes it’s really her boyfriend playing kinky mind games. Masked men get to have all of the fun.

“Satan’s Little Helper” is an interesting flick. Black comedy would be a good description of it. The little helper believes that all of the violence he sees is not real because…why does he believe it? It’s hard to fathom that this kid could be so stupid. One scene has the little helper cheering as “Satan” takes a grocery cart and runs over a lot of different people for “points”. “Satan’s Little Helper” is either making fun of video game’s influence on young minds or it’s reveling in it.

Don’t trust men who hide behind masks. This is the moral of “Satan’s Little Helper”. Just the fact that I could believe that a horror flick has a moral to it shows you how ambitious this movie is. It’s trying to touch a couple of different nerves. One scene has the guy dropping the Satan mask so he can put on a “Jesus” outfit. When the sister finds out about it she says, “So Jesus is Satan?” Then we get to see a few scenes of “Jesus” behaving badly. Evil has many fake faces. They never run out of facades.

While my brother rolled his eyes and shouted, “Wow!” a few times, I enjoyed “Satan’s Little Helper”. It’s a unique B-flick. I can’t recall seeing a movie quite like it. It also delivers on some gore scenes as “Satan” starts slicing and dicing for the kid’s amusement. I was slightly disappointed that the idiot kid’s sister did not take the time to ditch her Halloween costume. “Satan” couldn’t keep his hands off of her. Who could blame him? But overall, “Satan’s Little Helper” is a cool little movie. It’s worth a look.



SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 little helpers

"Supercroc" review

Supercroc (2007)

Director: Scott Harper
Writer: Steve Bevilacqua

Kim Little... Dr. Leah Perrot
Cynthia Rose Hall... Pvt. Celia Perez
Matthew Blashaw... Capt. Lynch
David Novak... General McFadden
Shaley Scott... Sgt. Julie Davenport
Noel Thurman... Reynolds
Michael Tower... McCoy

So my brother came out to L.A. the other week to have some West Coast fun. He couldn’t wait to get the party started. He was so impatient that by the time I picked him up from the airport he had already had four Jack and Cokes. This was a man who was serious about unwinding. He wasn’t going to wait for L.A. He had to get completely smashed as soon as possible. He was raging down the express lane to oblivion and that train was not stopping for anyone.

Before he came out, we had planned a little West Coast itinerary. His friend was going to take him to a few parties. There was going to be some drinking. We decided to hit the Renaissance fair for some turkey legs and some more drinking. We could shoot some pool and maybe catch a movie or two. If there was time, we’d drink a little more. And for the cherry on top, I proposed that we start the extended weekend off with a viewing of “Supercroc”. I had seen the back of the video box and it sold me immediately. I told my brother of the giant crocodile jumping out of the water and attacking a helicopter. We were both believers at that point. This Supercroc had to be seen.

So after a full day of brotherly drunken debauchery, we settled into a nice apartment and watched “Supercroc”. At this point, my brother was chugging shots of Jameson’s whiskey like it was apple juice. He had to keep pumping fuel into the drunkard express or else it would derail. Nobody wanted that. But I’m afraid it was “Supercroc” that paid the price for his inebriated state as there was much yelling at the screen because of its super awfulness.

I am vaguely offended by “Supercroc”. Even though I caught one sentence out of every five, (thanks to my bellowing brother), I still caught enough to know that this movie is terrible. The standard pack of B-movie soldiers are wandering around looking for a Supercroc. The beast rears its cheap head and proceeds to do some cheap damage. It escapes and attacks a cut-rate facsimile of L.A. While all of this nothingness is going on, the usual inept government types are arguing in a broom closet about what to do about the Supercroc. Nothing good comes out of their banal crocodile discussions.

Come to think of it, nothing good comes out of watching this movie. “Supercroc” is a complete dud. Even the scene where the Supercroc attacks the helicopter couldn’t push the entertainment meter pass one. There is no blood shown during any of the super attacks nor are any of the super attacks worth watching. Unless you have a drunken brother sitting next to you providing loud color commentary, your evening will be wasted on “Supercroc”.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 drunks heckling supercrocs