So i have somethings coming up...
I will be in Chicago for the Grabby's which i think is on the 24th. For you that don't know what the Grabby' are it is a gay porn award ceremony. I'm not sure how many Garbby's I have been up for in the past, all I do know is that i've lost everytime. As far as both award cemeomonies go, i'm a big fat goose egg and nine. Its actually funny, everytime i go to one of these things, i get swept away in what everyone else says, "oh your a shoe in, to win". I don't believe it but kinda gets stuck in my head, and then when the results are read, and i lose, I get fucking pissed, like what is wrong with me. Its silly actually... did i not fuck hard enough? did i not cum enough? do i not get vocal enough when i'm getting pounded out? am i not a good enough performer.
Yes, porn has me worn out, but just like anything you do in life you kinda want whatever you do to be the best. Its no different here. (i can see all the post now about me complaining about this... please save it).
Its even got to the point where i have begun to rationalize the whole situation differently to make myself feel better. LOL. I say, Well its okay to lose. Why? Becasue all the guys that have won early in there career have already hit there high note, and where do you go from there... down. So when the next porn awards rolls around and your not even nominated at least i can sitt there and say that i have steadily increased my amount of nomination, i have just failed to hit my high note yet. And that is fine by me.
Although i do think this will be my year. During the last Awards ( The Gayvn's) I schmoozed with the right people in between all the coke and G I did. I do think i managed to get the right people on my side. Yes, its all politics here in porn also. You gotta suck the right dicks before you get yourself any awards. (JK)
But i guess we will see. Like the last awards, i'm not planning on winning anything, i'm just need to tell myself, i'm going to have a good time and if i win something that will just be a plus.
From Chicago i will be going to Boston for a Manhunt Event. The one that coninsides with those pics that i took not long ago with Joe O. that i had posted on here. I'm not sure what this event will consist of cuz i know i'm not dancing. I will not be 2-stepping, or doing the fucking muscle shuffle or anything like that. So any readers from Boston that just wanna come look at me stand around getting fucked up. Please come by, LOL. I will not dissapoint.
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As far as where i am in life...
I don't know where the fuck i am. Alot of the time I feel like i'm a stanger living in this body. I have been staying in and sticking to myself again. And as much as readers are going to hate this, but i have been hanging out with my ex again. He has been going through some rough times right now and much as you would think that i would be excited over thought of him struggling, i feel like i'm right there with him. I can't help it. My heart just won't dissconnect that easily. Do i think we should be giving it another go at our realtionship again?... right now, No. But am i going to be there for him anyway i can, so he doesnt have to struggle. Yeah, (until my fucking heart gives out).
But besides that, i'm not sure what has been wrong with me. My sex drive has been shit and my social aniexty has been at an all time high. The last time 2 times i tried to go to the movies i could do i cuz i just couldnt bare to be around people and then this weekend i forced myself to go see IronMan. I was kinda happy becasue i sat at the end of the isle, but walking in there i kinda felt like i was going to break out in Hives. (oh and yes, Terrence Howards charater in Ironman is named James Rhodes, weird). I wonder what the Grabbys are gonna be like. I just might freak out.
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