Shoot me down.

I just got back from Boston today...


I swear i feel like a saint. I dont know if i'm doing it for my ex boyfriends approval but i have gone out of my way to not hook up with anyone. Granted i spent most of my weekend in a paranoid cloud, floating around Boston with all the painkiller i was taking but the painkiller are not the issue between us. Its me being a "whore" as he frequently calls me.
As soon as i get home, I'm lonely. I need comfort from someone and i look towards him. When i get home from these events he looks at me as if i'm just getting home from an orgy. I try to explain to him that i haven't done anything, that honestly i havent been in the mood and even if i was, i persoanlly want more than just another meaningless hook up. But he doesnt want to hear it, he is already to far gone in hating me that he can't go back. He tries sometimes, but it only last a few hours and then i transform back into the enemy. Its so weird, but i can almost watch the change in his eyes, i can see it and i still dont run. Its just me being stupid again, i wait around until i'm asked, or screamed at to leave. Its like clockwork. Anyways i find us arguing about issues we had in the first month of our relationship when i had a slip- up using meth. Yeah i know it hurt him, but at what point do you try to see past it? He can't. He can't see past the little things and see the whole picture. He can't see a future, when all these thing wont matter anymore. When its back to just me and him.
I'm losing the drive to put in the man-hours needed to fix this broken machine. My hands are greesy and bleeding and i'm tired, i'm doing overtime now and i wanna give up and not look back.
No more looking for comfort. No more looking for his approval. No more caring at all. I don't wish death on him but, i wish for a life free from him.


Which lead me to my next thought. I am considering discontinuing this blog. Its has let to many people invade my life. Yes, i have come across some great people and have gotten some great advice and whatnot, but it has also attracted freaks. People that read this and think that they are going to save me, or they think that i'm perfect for them. Calling my cell phone, asking me on dates thru myspace. Yes its all flattering but if anyone reads this close enough, they would know that is far from what i want. I dont want someone to come into my life with the intensions of saving me, i rather have someone coming in my life and save me without him even knowing it.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but its making me lose the drive to keep writing. I'm tired of giving the freaks ammunition for them to think they acually know me. Like this past weekend, this kid comes up to me and say he knows me and we have a connection. I figured i had met him somewhere in the past. Anyway as i watch the kid go from normal to crazy i start asking questions and basically, he says he know me since he reads my blog and that he relates to me. All i could think is that crazy people relate to me. Lets be honest, i dont need anymore crazy people in my life.

I been kinda depressed lately and i blame myself. I been using painkillers as my current crutch. I was doing so good to but all these appearances and shit... i need something to make myself feel normal, something to help me feel okay with all the attention. To be honest it really hasnt been working cuz i take to much and make my normal time go from feeling ok to straight up paranoid, then from paranoid to me throwing up all over my nice hotel room at the Marriot. To needing an ambien to make me pass out.
Then when i wake up in the morning, feeling like death in a room that looks like britney spears was hanging out with me and i have no one to get comfort from. Its just lonely me sitting in my own personal hell. And when i think it cant get much worse that asshole who just found my blog and is now infactuated with me, calls me looking for a date, I fight with him and his pure stupidity for not seeing how asking me on a date after reading my blog is exactly what i'm not looking to get out of writing my thoughts, he doesnt get it... these are the days i couldnt hate life much more then i do right now.