"Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1" review

Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 (2008)

Director: Phil Messerer
Writer: Phil Messerer

Devon Bailey ... Helen Baxter
Eilis Cahill ... Lara Baxter
JoJo Hristova ... Mom
Michael Strelow ... Raymond Baxter
Myles MacVane ... Max
Evan Lucas ... Mormon
Peter Morr ... Patrice Duchamp III
Anthony Morelli ... Dad
Samantha Phillips ... Mrs. Kerrigan

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

We had just finished watching "Lights Camera Dead" and decided to jump right into "The Vampire Diaries". A Goth girl goes haywire when she realizes how much she hates her sister and proceeds to cast a spell on her. It's the dreaded Anne Rice curse. Her sister starts to get a nose bleed and doesn't stop bleeding until all the blood has drained from her body. The Goth girl immediately regrets her homicidal decision and wishes she could be with her sister again. As luck would have it, the sister returns from the dead as a vampire. The spell has turned the sister into the undead. She'll need a constant supply of blood to survive and her family is more than happy to help her get it. "The Vampire Diaries" asks the question: How much do you love your family? Would you still love your sibling if she turned out to be a blood sucking vampire? The good news for the vampire girl is that her family does care for her. The bad news is that I did not.

My friend and I had very different takes on this movie. He thought it was pretty good. Good acting, well shot, etc. He was ready to give it a three out of four. But I'm a picky man. I tend to be more critical. "Vampire Diaries" asks questions that I don't care about. This vampiric Addams family can crawl back to the gutter. I didn't care if the sisters learned to love each other again or if the brother could ever figure out what was wrong with his undead sister. By the end, I was so sick of listening to them whine that I wanted the sun to break into the house and melt the ghoulish sister.

While "Vampire Diaries" was a better made film than "Lights Camera Dead", neither one really held my interest. Both needed to embrace their B-movie roots and go for more outrageous horror scenes. Alas, it was not to be. They both tried their best at making a serious movie but I wasn't in the mood for their take on the horror genre. After Chipoltle and beer, you need to keep the party going. I'm an exploitation fan at heart and my double feature let me down.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 living dead girls