So i been avoiding posting anything on here. Keeping my mouth shut lately has been so much easier than dealing with my pain head on. I written a few things that haven't been posted and i'm pretty sure i never will. I think all the complaints about me playing the "poor me" roll have honestly sunken in. I find it funny that i can be embarrassed for being depressed. I have fought for people to pay attention, for people to listen... for people to see me beneath the surface and In reality, its only blown up in my face. No one cares and i have honestly have begun to ask myself, why should i?
I keep reading, "Hold on James"
Hold on to what?
I started taking this new "work out" drug which after using it briefly i started to see negative side effects which made me research it more. I found plenty of extremely negative feedback on the drug, the worst side effect being death... people using the drug dying in their sleep... Really? ... All i could think after reading that was "how perfect". What an easy out. Yeah, it might not be as dramatic as going out in a a shoot out with the cops like i always imagined but, i'm a pussy anyways. Even if i could get my hands on a gun, i'd most likely do nothing with it except imagine...
Its funny the day dreams i had the other day when i was almost arrested again...
i guess the funniest part was that i almost welcomed being locked up. I have fought it other times, this time, i just didnt care... i have seen the "white trash, roided out, bully" looks before... why fight it? ... Just accept it. God, just that change alone would be refreshing. I have basically fucked my life up doing my own thing, i guess it would seem only right if someone else had complete control of it now...
The only thought that rings through my head lately is ...You are destine to fail.
I have seen it on TV and asked myself, " i wonder how bad someones life has to be to get there...". Well this is it.
I have exhausted myself trying to keep everyone else best interests ahead of mine.
... i can't live like this anymore. I've spent the last 5 years of my life slowly dying and expected so much more from myself..... there is no hope left...
(sorry, to the people that get sick of my depressing rants, but i been holding it in for to long and i was going to explode. Trust me if i had someone in my life that i thought cared enough to hear what i felt, i wouldn't be throwing it all up here)
... oh well
OK
I just spent the last 3 nights of my life in the ICU of the hospital. (for reasons beyond my control). I didnt know how to look at my situation... on one side i thought to myself "jesus, when they knock me out and i don't wake up, you know, i perfectly okay with that, i have lived enough, i have put my body through enough" and on the other hand... My family rushed to my side. My boyfriends sat their crying, waiting for my situation to stabilize, granted not one friend came... yet, i felt loved.
I always say no one understands me... i guess i don't even understand myself.
I'm out now... weak and really tired...
i wonder what will happen next...
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