I don't know whether to be proud of myself or ashamed.
I been traveling, working alot lately, which has been a double edge sword.
On one hand the money has been okay, but on the other hand it really puts stress on my relationship.
I know most of you would say, "well shouldn't your Bf understand your job by now"?
The answer to that has always been no, for some reason they never get it.
of course this is where the problem lies.
I understand the problems behind being a model, but now as a director there is a whole new slew of problems i didn't foresee.
The jealousies behind having to pick models, then having to talk with them, swap numbers just to be on the same page about the sex they will be having in front of me... blah blah blah.
No one seems to understand, you become numb to it... like any job.
Then you get these desperate models sending you fucked up texts to let you know there alive, hoping that they jog your memory so you will cast you in an upcoming production.
Its silly, yet unavoidable with this job.
Oh then there is fucking Twitter... i don't understand the obsession with this thing...
All i know is that any model, when around me has some sexual twitter to write and it always seems to get to my bf friend quicker than flies to shit. If they only really wrote the truth about how boring i am, and how i really go out of my way not to talk to anyone i don't need to... i guess it wouldn't make for a good twit then?
A real twitter would sound something like this: "wow Erik Rhodes just sits there, he doesn't seem very friendly, and the only time i heard him talk he was complaining he's hungry"
It seems like some way or another, this job is always stepping on the Bf's toes.
I guess what I'm just getting at is, its really hard to win in this industry.
At least with a bf that is not in it and basically doesn't want to understand it...
and why should he...
But then again, i feel like i have won in some sense.
I'm not the type to brag, but these kids today kinda look at me like i used to look at Matthew Rush. I mean he was top dog. He was the one to impress and hope your career in this industry made it to his level.
Now, with all the work i been doing, and excessive socializing, beyond my own personal comfort, i have had none stop models approaching me and say all types of crazy shit
"you are the reason why i wanted to become a porn star".... really, I'm sorry.
" i was one of your biggest fans, I've seen all your movies"... really how are they?
" i hope some day i can have the success you have had, i was in a hotel and i saw you in the movies you could purchase, i hope someday that will be me"... really, you hope you can be in hotel room porn, that's one of your goals in life?
I honestly felt sorry for that last one.
I started doing porn cuz i needed the money, not thinking I'd ever make a name for myself. So i just don't understand where these kids are coming from, i assume its like an ego trip to be a porn star in their eyes and i just find that stupid.
Regardless, i have always felt like the outcast, so with this sort of acceptance, has been actually kinda nice, as stupid as it is, it made me feel good. And seriously porn has never really made me feel anything but regret, and lonely and basically miserable... i guess its just nice to know i made my mark, as meaningless as i think my life, my career has been at least i know i did it the best i could and its been acknowledged.
i know most of you reading this and those that have posted stuff are probably pissed saying, "that's what i been saying to him all along", i know, but, without using dumb quotes... you can lead a horse to water.... i guess you just have to figure thing out on your own.
fyi: I'm really not comfortable talking so much porn.
anyways...
so i guess where i have been besides what i have written above...
been kinda teetering on the edge on a mental breakdown... like always.
just cuz i wrote all that above doesn't quite mean that it means very much to me.
i think i been beat down so much in my real life about being a porn star that, i don't take much pride in anything i have done.
its nice, and its make me feel all warm and fuzzy for about a second before, i tell myself, " you dummy, no one cares, this is what has made this world turn against you. That's why you'll never just be you... you'll always be... that porn star"
i guess what hurts is no one has anything good to say about me...
in real life i mean
in the porn world, i feel loved
but at the same time, its a job, i love alot of the people i work with... but they are not there for me, when I'm alone and could use an open ear, they surely aren't there.
i don't have much contact with them outside of the times I'm working so ya know, it doesn't feel like real true friends.
and in real life, well, i have a bf friend i love, but I'm convinced that he'd be better off without me. It sucks to say i think he is only happy with me 20 percent of the time. I feel like he thinks he's stuck with me. Kinda like when mother contemplates giving up a retarded child and just can't do it. He stays for some reason, and prepares, yet never gets used to the fact, his life could more than likely be so much better if he just walked away.
i think I'm doing the best i personally can... i for once can say i been faithful, i can at least say that i deal with our fights and don't resort to heroin to forget we have problems, but, if i just stay coherent maybe we can work on them instead of letting them grow beyond anything we can both take.
since i moved out of the city, i don't feels as close with my 2 close friends, in fact i feel like they are almost closer with my bf now. so i don't know how to act around them sometimes. it just awkward, you know they only people you used to disclose your worst secrets now might just stab you in the back, granted i don't have many secrets anymore, so i think I'm kinda boring to them as well.
i still don't think my family cares much for be beside basically finding out if I'm alive, its seems like they only care when I'm in the hospital.
i seriously miss my brother. i know he cares, it really feels like he is the only one, but he is actually making something of himself and I'm sure staying away from me, is better for him also.
i think, yeah you know, its feel lonely now, but think of all the people that have come and gone from your life, I'm sure that, before all my mistakes and flaws, they would actually say good things about me?
yeah we might not know each other anymore... but what they remember about me, they might actually miss, maybe have a funny story to tell, i don't know. I think if the topic ever comes up they know Erik Rhodes, the first thing out there mouth might be something like "No, wait, James is nothing like what you think...."
only to recently get confirmation that in fact, no James, they hate you, the ones you tried to love, never loved you and in fact, your are the biggest regret and mistake in so many peoples lives, that if i just sat down and tried to wrap my mind around it... well, I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle it. i have attempted it and trust me it leads to a pretty serious panic attack. The only way i can describe it, is feeling like your about to be attacked from every angle and you don't know where to turn first to protect yourself and in fact you can't. I makes my head pound, you know right where spine and brain connect. I wanna reference American History X and the whole "bite the curb" scene, but i'm not sure it hurts that much.
I guess i spend way to much time trying to stay sane that spending time focusing my hate on people from my past just makes no sense. I wish my problems could only be that simple.
I guess, its just easy to be a scapegoat.
Seriously, how could the porn star not be to blame?
There is nothing behind those eyes except...its numb and black.
Its getting hard to deal with... where i wanna crack open a beer or worse, i don't... but thank you klonopin. Of course my doctor wont prescribe them to me since he think I'm an addict risk, but seriously, I'm not faking this, who would wanna feel like that, and you dumb fuck, i could make that shit go away with all that shit i told you i used to use yet, I'm a risk. are you fucking crazy.
oh fuck, I'm tired of writing... i need sleep so lets figure this out...
Ambien, Trazodone, Temazepan, Nexium, Prevacid, Glutamine, and multivitamin. Wash down with a cap of G. G for goodnight. (jk) maybe...
i wish, i could start my lucid dream right now...
evrything would work,
i'd be i love with anthony forever
my live would have never ended up like this...
it be completely different...
i...we would be happy.
I'd stay here forever...
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