Stealing last breath

My 4th of July.

So staying true to my fitting in with the gay world. I spent my 4th of July on Fire Island.
I would have to say the most fun i had on the island was when i just arrived and felt the need to break the ice at my friends timeshare by choosing to steal one of the drag queens wigs and sun dresses and transformed myself into B. Arther on steroids. I'm not sure what it is but i seem to get a kick out of dressing like an ugly bitch when I'm sober. Maybe I'm slowly finding my calling after porn as the ugliest drag queen this world has ever seen. Just a thought. lol.
Of course, after this the drug came out and that's right when everything got boring. (Mental Note).
We did all the parties... high tea, low tea, middle tea, up/down tea, around the bend tea, sideways tea, blow my fucking brains out tea. Basically its just the same party that moves to different place on the island. Because its an island, its all the same people are going to everything, yet you anticipate each party to hopefully be prettier then the last, only to find out, HOLY SHIT, ITS ALL THE SAME FUCKING PEOPLE. You either lower your standards or you do alot of drugs. I chose the drugs. But hey, it was the 4th of July and the only way you can show how much you care about your country is by getting as fucked up as possible and by blowing shit up right? well I was feeling it this year!

The worst part of going to fire island is the close to 2 hour trip home. I regrettably accepted a car ride home from a friend instead of taking the train. About 10 mins into the ride on the long island expressway, i quickly was sobered up and almost started to have a panic attack and realized how much hate long car rides. Its not that i don't trust the driver, well never mind, i don't trust the driver and i don't trust anyone driving around me either. I always picture dying in a "Final Destination" like car crash. The fact that he had a convertible and chose to drive the whole way home with the top down only enhanced my visions of a violent death. Something like the car flipping over and scrapping my face off before sliding to a stop. I thought "well this won't be dying on the couch because an overdoes like you always hoped but at least it will all be over". I was comforted for a moment with the thought yet couldn't stop using my fake emergency brake for the rest of the ride.

I woke up this morning feeling like shit and i instantly called my dealer. All he had was Crystal and as much as i hate doing crystal, i agreed to buying some. I thought fuck it. I'll just get high all day and take some sleeping pills when i crash and we'll pretend this day never existed.
Thankfully i had a half hour before he got here and my better judgement kicked in. I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself " you know your just going to waste this, you work to hard to look like this to throw it away" Of course i didn't have the balls to call my dealer and say fuck it. So i let him come to my place and ring my buzzer for 20 mins before he finally gave up and left. Sucks for him.

I always do this, its kinda like a kid being denied candy. He eats all he can while his mothers back is turned and then gets sick from it. Then when he has the chance to do it again he doesn't cuz he knows what will happen. The same happens to me... i have my fill and then say...no more. That where i am now. Its not like I'm even having fun anymore, I'm just doing it. I'm getting more depressed and i don't wanna live like this.

I'm tired of trying to fit in. I don't wanna fit in.

Its time to take a break from drugs for awhile and I'm gonna try and find someone to fill this void. Yeah I'm co dependant, who cares. At least i wont be doing drugs. I am a fucking Twin, i was built to be with someone and that's what i need. At least that's how i feel right now.