"Female Vampire" review

Female Vampire (1973)

Director: Jesus Franco
Writers: Gérard Brisseau Jesus Franco

Lina Romay... Countess Irina Karlstein
Jack Taylor... Baron Von Rathony
Alice Arno... Irina´s servant
Monica Swinn... Princess de Rochefort
Jesus Franco... Dr. Roberts

I rented "Female Vampire" after a reader recommended it to me. We were discussing the merits of Lina Romay in a Jess Franco disaster called "Lust for Frankenstein" and he insisted that I had to see this movie to understand the Romay sex appeal. In his words, "When miss romay was a quite astonishing 18 year old sexual dream come true, we will find yet another unwatchable jess franco abomination in which she appeared namely "the female vampire". Well actually it would be totally unwatchable if not for the astounding lina romay at her absolute peak, she is naked for most of the film, and with franco zooming in on her incredible arse and twat for long periods in the film it becomes one of the greatest masturbation aids of all time." This is a ringing endorsement. The only other Romay movie I've seen was "Ilsa, the Wicked Warden" which was a great smorgasbord of sleaze but Lina wasn't the reason I loved it. "Female Vampire" needed to be seen.

Lina Romay is a mute vampire who gives people oral sex until they die. Of course she does. Franco decides to get right to it and has Lina strolling through the woods naked in the first five seconds of the movie. She then runs into a guy and proceeds to give him some Romay head until he croaks. That pretty much sums up the movie. Some other people bump into Romay and she sucks the life out of them through their genitals.

Lina Romay is naked through most of the movie and has some extended scenes where she rolls around on a bed so we can soak in every nook and cranny of her beautiful body. My reader was right about Lina being a sight for sore eyes in "Female Vampire". In fact if she wasn't in this movie, I think I would have tossed the DVD across the room.

"Female Vampire" is a pretty boring flick. I saw the 110 minutes version and I couldn't wait for it to end after the 45 minute mark. After I saw Romay roll around naked on top of her dead lesbian lover, I knew I had reached the sleaze peak. There was nowhere to go but down. Romay continues down the path of getting people naked and sucking their life essence from their crotch. But if you've seen one crotch sucking scene, you've seen them all.

And for a director who loves to zoom in on female body parts, you'd think Franco would have learned how to zoom in without the camera going out of focus. There are many instances where Franco thinks he's spotted something interesting going on and zooms in only to give the viewer a headache with some blurry shots of naked Romay and friends. Of course, complaining about incompetence in a Franco movie is like cursing the sky for being blue but it's astonishing how much this guy didn't learn from making all these movies.

Lina Romay is the kind of actress that is perfect for exploitation movies. She's got a great body, she's not shy about getting naked and is pretty much up for whatever depravity the filmmakers, (Franco mostly), feels like filming. As far as "Female Vampire" is concerned, she is the only reason to watch it. If you need some prime Lina in your life, it may be worth watching once.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 lusty Linas

"Mirrors" review

Mirrors (2008)

Director: Alexandre Aja
Writers: Alexandre Aja Grégory Levasseur

Kiefer Sutherland ... Ben Carson
Paula Patton ... Amy Carson
Cameron Boyce ... Michael Carson
Erica Gluck ... Daisy Carson
Amy Smart ... Angela Carson

So I met my friends over in the Bank to see "Mirrors". That's Burbank if you want to be official. Ah Burbank. City of Lights. Adventure. Excitement. Chipotle! Before seeing any movie in Burbank, it's important that you hit up the delicacy known as Chipotle. That way even if the movie is a disaster, at least the burrito will be great. And do yourself a favor and get a burrito bowl. That's the way a man would eat it.

After a delicious meal we decided that we still had time to have a beer or two before "Mirrors" started. I had heard nothing but really good things about this movie, (note heavy sarcastic tone), and I knew we might need some alcohol to make the movie that much better. We strolled into a barbecue restaurant and ordered a shot of Jameson and a beer. We debated the merits of "24" and why the last season was awful. We were curious to see if Kiefer was going to have a different persona than the mighty Jack Bauer or if he was going to be channeling his CTU agent into fighting deadly haunted mirrors. We drank our shots and walked back to the theater.

In another stroke of luck, my trustworthy plus one was able to get us passes into the movie. "Mirrors" for free? This night is getting better and better! I had a burrito bowl, chugged some beer and now I get to watch a horror movie for free? "Mirrors" was off to a good start. The good times didn't keep rolling for long.

So the mirrors are haunted. Jack Bauer takes a summer job as a nervous security guard who watches over an entire building filled with evil mirrors. He starts to show signs of insanity and yet this doesn't prevent him from clocking in at his rotten haunted mirror watching job every night. Amy Smart shows up as his concerned sister long enough for us to watch her get topless and die horribly. At least she knew what she was doing in this movie. Soon Bauer will call Chloe and get the schematics of the building downloaded to his PDA because they're running out of time. Dammit!

Oh wait, that was another show. I'm getting confused. I think Keifer was confused too because every time he looked into the mirror, he saw Jack Bauer. Even the way Keifer's character held a gun was exactly the same as Bauer. I would say that Keifer was miscast but then that would imply that this movie should have been cast at all.

It's a good thing I was a little inebriated while watching "Mirrors" because I think I would have walked out on this one. Haunted mirrors is not a good idea for a horror movie. Especially when there's nothing waiting on the other side of the glass except some ambiguous spirits who can pretty much kill you any way they want. "Candyman" showed us that haunted mirrors are a good starting point for a horror flick but shouldn't be used as the basis for the whole movie.

"Mirrors" is the kind of movie that makes up new rules for what the mirrors can or can't do as it goes along. One second Smart tears her jaw open because she stared into the mirror, (mirrors hate that), and the next we see that water is also filled with mirrors and you can drown in your own reflection. Bauer gets on the case and starts to piece together the convoluted mystery behind the mirrors and no one cares. Just break the mirrors already will you? It all ends in crashing glass and bellowing Bauers as you wonder why you sat around for this when you could have been drinking some quality beer.

So plan your next movie night in the Bank with some Chipotle and beer but be sure to skip "Mirrors". There's got to be something better to watch than Bauer battling glass. Dammit!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 reflections of Bauer

"AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem" review

AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)

Directors:Colin Strause Greg Strause
Writers: Shane Salerno Dan O'Bannon

Steven Pasquale... Dallas Howard
Reiko Aylesworth... Kelly O'Brien
John Ortiz... Sheriff Eddie Morales
Johnny Lewis... Ricky Howard
Ariel Gade... Molly O'Brien
Kristen Hager... Jesse
Sam Trammell... Tim O'Brien
Tom Woodruff Jr.... Alien / Predalien
Ian Whyte... Predator
Chelah Horsdal... Darcy Benson

After watching "Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem" I was left with a disturbing question rattling around my brain. It's something I would have never thought possible but after seeing two "AvP" movies I'm forced to ask it: Is having Aliens do battle with Predators a bad idea for a movie? It saddens me that I have to think that but the filmmakers have shown us that they really don't know what to do with these two monster icons except put them through the paces of another generic B-movie.

So aliens land on Earth and proceed to kill people. A Predator back at home base starts noticing the carnage and gets jealous. He decides to take the scenic route to Earth so that the viewers can get treated to a parade of the most mind numbingly banal characters to ever grace a monster movie. By the time the Predator showed up, I couldn't wait for these worthless jerks to get ripped to shreds. After much debate on how to ruin the movie further, the filmmakers decided to pack a lot of the action in dark, rainy spots just to make sure that you don't actually see anything. The final Alien vs Predator smack down ends in a blur of tight close ups to keep the action from getting too exciting.

"AvPR" is a pretty forgettable experience. I know this because I watched it and I can barely remember it. There were some bloody spots in a hospital as the Predator/Alien hybrid wants to go to town on some pregnant women and another scene where a young boy gets the facehugger alien treatment. So that's good. But "AvPR" ends up being a fairly depressing experience. If you have any love for "Aliens" or "Predator", you'll inevitably be let down by this unimaginative waste of time. "AvPR" runs through the B-movie playbook and delivers some blood and guts but fails to bring anything original or exciting to these two movie monster legends.

However, I'm not convinced that Aliens fighting Predators is a bad idea for a movie. What's my idea you say? Glad you asked! If you were going to do this kind of insanity, you'd have to go all the way. Since no one cares about the humans in these movies, toss them overboard. Have Aliens fighting Predators be the whole movie. I'm talking subtitles on the Predators as they discuss strategy for blasting Aliens into little pieces. Let "Apocalypto" show us the way. You don't need the same boring characters infesting every stinking horror/action movie. Let the monsters be the star and it can't lose!

The other "AvP" idea would be to go completely hog wild and have it be an insane action movie for those who can't get enough of watching an action hero blast his way through piles of alien guts. Send in a Chuck Norris clone to lay waste to the entire Predator planet and have him get caught up in their war. Either way, the movie should be set in outer space with alien body parts flying in all directions.

But since no one seems to care about these two monsters I suspect we may have seen the last of them for awhile. I will keep hoping that someday they get the monster movie treatment they deserve. "AvPR" wasn't it.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 dark and stormy monsters

Everything i have in return for silence

So I'm better.


Its back to my normal routine and i feel like I'm just play a game of catch up. I have put 10 pound back on so I'm not as depressed as i was earlier in the week but by no means do i feel happy go lucky. In fact i am just super pissed off at the world and as much as i would love a pull a Michael Douglas in one of my favorite movies "Falling Down", i have just simply been walking around in quiet contempt of everything and everyone. I been dreading simple conversations in the fear of just snapping. I can't help for reading most of this world as fake, i can't stand it.
Not to mention it seems like i have a whole new batch of readers that wanna save me, well let me be the first to say this is the wrong fucking time to reach out to me and trying to work your voodoo.

Maybe I'm bitter over me and Danny going our separate ways again? I don't think so. The fucking kid got mad at me for me yelling at a telemarketer who called my cell phone. Like, are you insane? What am i allowed to be pissed off at? I fucking allow people to invade my personal space every fucking day and i just let it pass cuz I'm trying to be nice, well fuck that and fuck him. Where do i draw the line or do i let myself suffer until there is not a single ounce of me left? I'm tired of being walked on, I'm tired of playing pussy boy. I refuse to sit here as the quiet whipping boy, while everyone gets what they want except me. I offer everything i got, right down to my last dollar and all i get in return is being told to shut up?
I can't. I have so much to say and no one to say it to, and you don't wanna listen? Then why the fuck do i need you in my life? I'll just cut you out like everyone else. I'm so much better alone... at least i keep trying to convince myself that. Maybe I'm not better alone but at least i know I'm better without you.

Sorry for that little rant. If you could see what a huge push over i could be, you would more than likely laugh at me. Obviously I'm tired of it, and honestly i could use someone new in my life. I watch a bunch of these other porn stars make you tube videos about there happy new love interests and i wonder to myself "why is it so hard for me". Granted i pick everyone to shreds in my head when I'm no prize pig myself. I can't help it. Maybe its just obvious that i have a couple storage units full of baggage and that's why people keep there distance? Maybe everyone is saying the same thing i say about them? Maybe these guys look at me and say, "shit i have nothing in common with him, so why waste my time". Granted if you are some pop diva worshipper, yeah keep your distance but i can tolerate alot, I dated a fucking cheerleader for Christ sake and they can almost technically be called inhuman.

*** In response to readers: I'm not the "why me" type. My comments are just based on frustration of not understanding simple human emotions. I'm not giving up though. I'm not going to bury my head in the sand and fly my white flag. This blog is basic inner monologue.

I don't know where this is going, i just felt like bitching, I'm done for now.

Sick

So I'm sick as fuck.

I been over working my body as of recently so I'm not to surprised recent fever, but it fucking sucks. I've been 103 for the last 2 days and it feel like my brain is melting in my head. My whole body is sore and every time i cough it feels like someone is kicking me in the head.
Honestly I'm surprised i have been sick for this long. I'm to strong for this. Anyways I'm upset, over the weight I'm losing due to the fact i can barely hold down a meal. I've run out of protein mix and i honestly don't have the strength to walk down to the corner and pick some up.
This always happens also, i bust my ass to get my weight up, only to get sick, lose the weight and struggle to put it back on. Sometimes i wished i didn't care.

Thankfully my ex Danny has been taking care of me. Nothing is worse than being sick all alone. He has honestly been so good to me, and i love him so much for it. Yeah, i might be the big strong tough guy but sometimes i need to be babied. It lets me know that at least someone cares. God its nice to know someone cares.

PS. Save the HIV asumptions and Danny comments to yourself. You guys are so predictable.

NEW PORN RULE! PEACHES AND ANGEL

NEW PORN RULE!

PEACHES AND ANGEL MUST COME OUT OF RETIREMENT NOW!
I can't think of a porn broad more hotter then Peaches. She only did 2 scenes way back in 2002 and then retired and dropped off the face of the porn earth. Oh what I wouldn't give to see her get throat fucked or analyzed just once. Her two scenes were a tad uninspired (in her defense it was impossible to have an inspired scene with the late John Dough) but she was just so fucking hot you would blow your load in 5 seconds!

Angel was around for a few years did several scenes including a very rough and hard to find gang bang blow job with Extreme Associates as well as some cream pies but then disappeared as well. Like Peaches she never got her A- card (anal). It's so hard to find anything on this girl because she has such a generic Porn name you type in angel and fucking 300 girls come up.

I would love to see these 2 girls in todays porn environment as they both slipped out before things got bad (and by bad I mean girls getting throat fucked until they puke, and by bad I also mean good).

NEW PORN RULES! TONY T

NEW PORN RULE!

FUCKING TONY T IS INTERRACIAL!

Now I don't know what the fuck Tony T's is... is he Mexican, Spanish, Colombian, or Iraqi but two things I do know is that he's not black... and he's certainly not white! But if you had to choose would you not put him on the black-ish side. I mean, he certinly acts black with all the slang, the ghetto manner of dressing and the not wanting girls to lick his ass because he thinks it's gay.

The bottom line is is that he's not white. And since 90% of women in American porn are white that means that if you have done a scene with Tony T... YOU HAVE DONE INTERRACIAL!!!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS HARMONY ROSE!

YOU COCK EATING ASSHOLE PROLAPSING RACIST BAG OF PISS! YOU HAVE DONE INTERRACIAL!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THE FACT THAT A NON-WHITE MAN HAS HAD HIS DICK IN YOUR ASS AND FUCKED YOUR SHIT HOLE LIKE IT WAS COIN OPERATED AND YOU WEREN'T A PERSON!!! HA HA A AHAH AHAH HAH AHA HAHAHHA HAHH HAHHA HHHAH AHAH!!!!!! FUCK THE CONFEDERATES!

NEW PORN RULE! BRET ROCKMAN

NEW PORN RULE! BRET ROCKMAN FUCKING SUCKS! PERIOD!

Bret Rockman you suck! Since the very first scene I saw you in you have sucked I wish you would do gay porn so then I would have two reasons to say why you suck.

-your face sucks
-your hair sucks
-your queer little smile there sucks
-all your scenes suck
-ROCKMAN FILMS sucks
- Did I mention your hair sucks

But Bret.... The main reason why you suck is this...

YOUR COCK FUCKING SUCKS! GET A NEW COCK!

The fact that this gorgeous woman is about to suck your cock, the fact that you have fucked more women in a week then I will my entire life and that Bush was elected twice proves to me that there is no god.

I have a great idea. You and Lee stone can do gay porn, you both can stand next to each other face to face and interlock your crooked fucking cocks then John Strong can come and fuck the loop your two crooked cocks will make. It can be the new sensation in gay porn, we can call it "hook fucking" or "Captain hooking". I hate you for getting two out of my top 3 fav pornstars

Please retire....

NEW PORN RULES! NAIL POLISH ON GUYS

NEW PORN RULE!

MALES CAN'T WEAR FUCKING NAIL POLISH!

Last night I was very happy to find a new scene online from one of my favorite new porn whores Faith Daniels. So I download the scene then when I sit down to knock one out, what do I see?

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE FUCKING WOOD KILLING THEN A MAN WEARING NAIL POLISH. I'm as liberal as anyone, I mean fuck! I like to watch women drink piss but I'm sorry... this is fucking gay and gross and I don't want to see it. Whoever directed this scene should be shot in the fucking face with a harpoon gun for allowing this asshole to continue working with fucking nail polish on.

To each his own right? If you like to put on nail polish and fuck a girl then all the power to you. However I would think that most men don't want to see this so why would they let this scene continue. Fucking gross!

If I wanted to see fucking losers with no talent that wear nail polish I would watch transvestite porn or Chris Angel.

Hello - Goodbye

its been awhile...


Jesus, for once i don't have much to say. My monotonous routine has me fucking brain dead again. Basically nothing has changed in my life except what the date is and it feel pretty sad. No sex and no drugs. Its doesn't feel like me. I feel watered down. I'm not exactly happy but I'm filling my time with enough nonsense to keep me from being depressed. I have almost mastered the skill of being able to crack a believable fake smile at a seconds notice and i think its probably the best skill one could ever obtain. It has been a great way to blend in and keep the topic off how miserable i have been. Its weird as much as i don't mind talking about my life on here i rather not talk about it in person. Which only makes it more weird since more and more people have been approaching me with printed out pieces of this blog looking to talk about it. It honestly makes me feel stupid and embarrassed.
It like trying to explain a train wreck. I don't know how i got here? I don't know why i do half the shit i do? To be honest i don't wanna know. I just wanna forget.

Anyways, in all my free sober and sexless time i have forced myself to consider change. Something that will better me as a person and hopefully break this stupid cycle of lows and extreme lows. My goal is now to meet myself somewhere in the middle. I'm tired of living in my own personal hell and I'm sure as shit i will never fit in, in heaven so Purgatory is cool with me. I think i have talked about it a couple times already, it just taking that first step. Waking up to a dead world at sunrise and starting over. Erik Rhodes is dead and I forget every part of that old life, like it was a bad dream I woke up in the middle of, saying "thank god that wasn't real". Its time to move on.

I have a few ideas of what i wanna do with myself that I'm semi excited about that should suite me. I really would like to talk about them but once i move on, I'm gonna move on and not look back. Sorry to say i don't think I'm gonna allow anyone to follow. Come on, if i end up working a 9-5 i doubt readers will wanna here me bitch about my cubical or how much i wanna kill my manager anyways.
You know Kurt Cobain was onto something, "its better to burn out than fade away". I understand it and respect it. I rather not be doing porn and writing a blog so long that slowly people lose interest. Jesus think if Nirvana was still around and what shit albums they might be making? But their not, cause Kurt pulled the plug at the right time. Hey, and that's life i guess, live and blend in or kill yourself when the time is right and be the voice of your generation.
I think it would be alot harder to deal with if i ended up being just another dick in the orgy scene, having vicious blogger writing i'm to old and washed up or even just knowing no one is listening cause i barely have anyone reading my blog. I'm smart enough to know i have hit my high note, i have made my mark and i think its time to walk away proudly... well as proud as i can given my lifestyle.