Hello - Goodbye

its been awhile...


Jesus, for once i don't have much to say. My monotonous routine has me fucking brain dead again. Basically nothing has changed in my life except what the date is and it feel pretty sad. No sex and no drugs. Its doesn't feel like me. I feel watered down. I'm not exactly happy but I'm filling my time with enough nonsense to keep me from being depressed. I have almost mastered the skill of being able to crack a believable fake smile at a seconds notice and i think its probably the best skill one could ever obtain. It has been a great way to blend in and keep the topic off how miserable i have been. Its weird as much as i don't mind talking about my life on here i rather not talk about it in person. Which only makes it more weird since more and more people have been approaching me with printed out pieces of this blog looking to talk about it. It honestly makes me feel stupid and embarrassed.
It like trying to explain a train wreck. I don't know how i got here? I don't know why i do half the shit i do? To be honest i don't wanna know. I just wanna forget.

Anyways, in all my free sober and sexless time i have forced myself to consider change. Something that will better me as a person and hopefully break this stupid cycle of lows and extreme lows. My goal is now to meet myself somewhere in the middle. I'm tired of living in my own personal hell and I'm sure as shit i will never fit in, in heaven so Purgatory is cool with me. I think i have talked about it a couple times already, it just taking that first step. Waking up to a dead world at sunrise and starting over. Erik Rhodes is dead and I forget every part of that old life, like it was a bad dream I woke up in the middle of, saying "thank god that wasn't real". Its time to move on.

I have a few ideas of what i wanna do with myself that I'm semi excited about that should suite me. I really would like to talk about them but once i move on, I'm gonna move on and not look back. Sorry to say i don't think I'm gonna allow anyone to follow. Come on, if i end up working a 9-5 i doubt readers will wanna here me bitch about my cubical or how much i wanna kill my manager anyways.
You know Kurt Cobain was onto something, "its better to burn out than fade away". I understand it and respect it. I rather not be doing porn and writing a blog so long that slowly people lose interest. Jesus think if Nirvana was still around and what shit albums they might be making? But their not, cause Kurt pulled the plug at the right time. Hey, and that's life i guess, live and blend in or kill yourself when the time is right and be the voice of your generation.
I think it would be alot harder to deal with if i ended up being just another dick in the orgy scene, having vicious blogger writing i'm to old and washed up or even just knowing no one is listening cause i barely have anyone reading my blog. I'm smart enough to know i have hit my high note, i have made my mark and i think its time to walk away proudly... well as proud as i can given my lifestyle.