Putri mendem: August 2009

Monday, August 31, 2009

The heart that is underrated is always losing blood

days have passed, and nothing is better. I feel like i look like a serial killer, I've been absolutely emotionless, you know, like that disgruntled office worker that looks the same everyday, and no one assumes anything is wrong until he pulls out a gun and starts shooting, well, that me right now in a not so literal sense, i wanna explode,don't get any wrong ideas, its just my strange comparison of how i don't think anyone understands whats going on inside me right now. I wanna just cry all day long, but i tell myself I'm stronger than that. I don't wanna get out of bed in the morning, i don't wanna go to the gym, but I'm pushing myself, telling myself "just go about things like normal, your normal, your okay, everything is fine."

Truly I can feel the wall is growing, brick by brick, I'm losing hold of what we had. I personally can't even tell if he wants me around. I had a breaking point today when we had, what i considered, a slight argument, where i had suggested he was in a bitchy mood, and he replied to me how he was great the whole week i was just away, and i replied then why would you say you missed me? To which he replied, "who said i missed you". From that point i went silent and haven't said a word to him since. God, most of the time i feel all alone, at least believing to myself there is someone who cares at home for me, and to get shot down like that, over something that seems so dumb a trivial, was like being stabbed in the heart. Once again, i'm in this by myself...if not, its hard to believe i have a reliable source to carry me when i'm down.

I sit here, depressed, wishing there was a way to make things easier on myself. I just feel like i have spent most of my life carrying the weight of everyone around me and now that I'm down and out, i have no where to turn... i don't think anyone can carry me... i don't think anyone cares enough about me to take on this obese burden that is my life. God, if i was more of a coward i would run away...

I am so desperate, i have actually consider reaching out to my family, but i could picture the phone call before i even make it. They would pretend to care, yet they don't. They would blame all my problems on me and not even consider reaching out to help. And its not like i need money, i just desperately want honest, heart felt advice coming from a place of love, and not advice from a "i told you, your life would end up like this" kinda place.

Everything is like hanging off the side of a cliff at this point, my relationship and my career. God, i been impressed how strong i been.

I'm just really scared where things are going, and i have no clue where I'm gonna end up. God, I'm just trying to get by, yeah i hate porn but i read something amazing the other day, it was an old joke that i looked at as the same way i look at being in the porn industry: A guy has a job shoveling elephant shit at the circus and someone asks, "Jesus, you have such a terrible job, why don't you just quit and do something less degrading". The guys looks up and answers "what and give up show business"? I guess its the same thing.