"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" review

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Director: Stephen Sommers
Writers: Stuart Beattie David Elliot

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje... Heavy Duty
Christopher Eccleston... McCullen / Destro
Joseph Gordon-Levitt... The Doctor / Rex
Byung-hun Lee... Storm Shadow
Sienna Miller... Ana / Baroness
Rachel Nichols... Shana 'Scarlett' O'Hara
Kevin J. O'Connor... Dr. Mindbender
Ray Park... Snake Eyes
Jonathan Pryce... U.S. President
Dennis Quaid... General Hawk

Call off the Oscar race. Recall the ballots. Voting is not necessary. We have a winner. The Best Picture of the year has arrived. Actually, I think "G.I. Joe" might sweep the entire ceremony. It could grab a couple of statues for Best Director, Writer and all of the acting awards. Book the limos now as the entire cast and crew will be up on the stage receiving accolades from their peers. Wait till you hear the fans screaming "G.I. Joe!" outside the awards ceremony. It will be a magical night. Well, actually it won't. The only way "G.I. Joe" is getting into the Oscars is if they invade the building and repel down from their helicopters.

Terrorists have seized a dangerous weapon which threatens the existence of humanity. Time to call in G.I. Joe. The Joes spring into action because when others fail, they don't. The terrorists have a green cloud of death which eats metal and they can't wait to unleash their maniacal plans on the planet. The Joes do battle with the leather suited Baroness and her minions all over the world. From Paris to Egypt to the polar ice caps, there is nowhere on Earth you can run from the Joes and their quest to blow up everything they see.

"G.I. Joe" is no better or worse than the hundreds of other brain dead action movies that plop off of the Hollywood conveyor belt. It is product made for a perceived audience of neanderthals and the ten year olds who love them. But the men and women who run Hollywood studios are not stupid. These are very intelligent, shrewd business people who hire filmmakers to make their companies profitable. The filmmakers comply with their corporate masters wishes and deliberately make imbecilic movies. The continued financial success of these decisions has doomed us all. We can expect more "G.I. Joe" movies to rape and pillage our wallets for years to come.

A common defense among mainstream filmmakers will be to spout out something along the lines of, "Just turn off your brain and go on a two hour thrill ride!" or "I'm giving the audience exactly what they want.". But what does the "audience" want? How do filmmakers come up with the magic formula that gives us exactly what we desire? Part of the fun of watching movies is to try to figure out what the filmmakers were thinking when they made their creative decisions. After seeing "G.I. Joe", it's clear that they think we're all a bunch of morons who like to see things blow up real good. The contempt Hollywood shows for their audience is staggering.

Of course, I'm the kind of guy who watches B-movies and enjoys their sleazy antics. But B-movie filmmakers have an excuse for making bad movies. They don't have the resources or (sometimes) the talent to make a good movie. "G.I. Joe" had all the time and money in the world to come up with an entertaining movie. While there were some scenes that were enjoyable, (the Paris chase scene), most of the movie is taken up by monotonous action sequences. You've seen one secret underwater army base blow up, you've seen them all.

One last thought, I'd like to comment on the only truly important question that "G.I. Joe" asks us to consider: Who's hotter, the Baroness, (Sienna Miller), or Scarlett, (Rachel Nichols)? In the cartoon, it was definitely the Baroness but in the movie, I may have to go for Scarlett. She was showing off her cleavage even more than the Baroness. And they both wore skin tight leather outfits which showed off all of their curves. Clearly, an extended fight between these two was the crucial scene that was missing from this movie. Remember filmmakers, it's all about giving the audience what they want.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 leather suited warriors