"Alien 3000" review

Alien 3000 (2004)
AKA Unseen Evil 2

Directed by Jeff Leroy
Writing credits Garrett Clancy Scott Spears

Lorenzo Lamas.... Biggs
Priscilla Barnes.... Sheila
Corbin Timbrook.... Wilkins
Phoebe Dollar.... Phoebe

You could easily write a book about all of the things wrong with "Alien 3000". Easily. This movie screams incompetence from beginning to end. It proudly shouts it from the mountaintop for the whole world to hear. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I found a few terrible parts enjoyable. There were scenes in "Alien 3000" that had me rolling in my chair with laughter. I doubt the movie was looking for that reaction but it got it from me.

"Alien 3000" is about a cave and the cheap invisible monster that lives there. The government sends a misfit crew of mercenaries to check it out. Lorenzo Lamas is hanging out back at their cardboard building headquarters for some B-movie backup. After much shouting and arguing amongst the soldiers, the monster decides he's had enough of their whining and proceeds to tear his way through them.

"Alien 3000" is a bad movie. It's got bad acting, horrible casting, atrocious special effects and generally reeks like a dead fish. The problems are almost too numerous to mention but here are some of them. First off, if the government is so concerned about the monster, why does it send the reject squad of mercenaries to handle it? These bozos didn't look like they could kill a slow moving fly, let alone kill a monster. All of the scenes with Lamas looked like they were filmed separately. He never once interacted with the main cast. "Alien 3000" felt like two or three different movies pounded together.

The other big problem was with the special effects. They were mighty cheap and terrible although some of them were so awful that I had to laugh at them. One scene has a soldier running toward Lama's helicopter when he suddenly explodes. Another scene has the monster flying through the air and landing on Lorenzo's copter. These scenes may sound reasonable enough but in the movie they are handled with such ineptness you'll be howling with pain/joy. Both of these scenes had me laughing my head off. At least I got something halfway fun out of "Alien 3000".

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap visible monsters