"Black Christmas" review

Black Christmas (2006)

Directed by Glen Morgan
Writing credits Glen Morgan

Katie Cassidy .... Kelli
Michelle Trachtenberg .... Melissa
Mary Elizabeth Winstead .... Heather
Lacey Chabert .... Dana
Kristen Cloke .... Leigh
Andrea Martin .... Ms. Mac
Crystal Lowe .... Lauren

I saw “Black Christmas” in a dinky theater with two other guys. Literally, two other guys. We were the only ones there. They weren’t friends of mine; they just kind of stumbled into the theater. Each one of us had a whole row to ourselves. It was great. Best audience I’ve seen a movie with in a long time. So it was three die hard horror fans that came out to see a Christmas-set slasher flick. Who else would possibly watch this?

A bunch of college girls are stuck in their sorority house over Christmas. It just so happens that their house used to be occupied by a psychotic killer. This year, the nutcase decides to come home and ruin their festivities. By bashing their heads in and carving their eyes out of course. He doesn’t like the way they look at him. Many girls will pay the price for not going home for the holidays.

I can’t tell you how much I was looking forward to seeing sorority babes run for their lives from a holly jolly madman. “Black Christmas” held promise. But this movie reminds us all why slasher flicks shouldn’t be set during the winter. The sorority girls are wearing too much clothing! They can’t jump in the pool, can’t skinny dip in the lake, etc. What can they do? Wear lots of scarves and mittens that’s what! It’s just not right. Psychos need tempting targets.

Now, speaking of the sorority girls, I’m not one to complain about such a trivial thing in a slasher flick as characterization. But “Black Christmas” doesn’t even make a vague attempt to differentiate between these women. I mean, they are all the same woman. The same over dressed, idiotic woman who creeps into dark spaces so she can die as quickly as possible.

“Black Christmas” is a by the numbers slasher flick. It’s as stripped down and efficient a blood spilling machine as I’ve seen. That doesn’t mean it’s scary. Or good for that matter. The women walk around the house and get killed. That’s all there is to it. It has a couple of decent gore scenes so it’s not totally worthless. It moved right along and kept the blood flowing. If you’re in need of a slasher movie fix, “Black Christmas” may be worth a rental. But if your need for bloody slasher mayhem isn’t desperate, I’d let this one go.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 lambs to the slaughter