"Albino Farm" review

Albino Farm (2009)

Directors: Joe Anderson Sean McEwen
Writers: Joe Anderson Sean McEwen

Tammin Sursok ... Stacey
Chris Jericho ... Levi
Richard Christy ... Caleb
Duane Whitaker ... Jeremiah
Sunkrish Bala ... Sanjay
Nick Richey ... Brian
Alicia Lagano ... Melody
Kevin Spirtas ... Preacher
Christopher Michael White ... Jacob
Alex Neustaedter ... Samuel
Bianca Barnett ... Pig Bitch

A bunch of college students head out into the country to see how many rednecks they can deride before getting killed. The obnoxious leader of the group gets a tip about a local legend called the Albino Farm. He wants to check out this ghost story while the responsible girl in the group wants to stay far away from a farm that has Albinos. But because this is a horror movie they all eventually, (slowly, very slowly), end up at the farm. The legend turns out to be true as various freaks of nature attack them for no reason. Screams echo through the night as you bellow that you've wasted your time on another bland horror flick.

"Albino Farm" is an amazingly uninteresting movie. There's no glaring technical deficiency on display that would distract you from this exercise in hillbilly horror. But I wish there was because "Albino Farm" is severely lacking in entertainment value. It pummels you to death with every annoying horror movie cliche imaginable. From the clueless teens who can't wait to go into the spooky haunted house, to the creepy townsfolk scaring the teens, to the bored viewer watching this movie, it's all here.

If you've ever seen a hillbilly horror flick, you've seen a better movie than "Albino Farm". Everything happens exactly as you would expect. The teens drive into town, make fun of the hicks, sprint out to their early graves at the Albino Farm and the movie ends. There's not even any delirious exploitation scenes to praise. Couldn't we have had at least one freaky scene at the farm? "Albino Farm" is a waste of time. It can be skipped.

One last thought, there are actually two positive attributes to "Albino Farm" worth mentioning. The first one is its title. It's a good hillbilly horror title as it conjures up images of deformed freaks committing depraved acts at the farm. Well, at least it did for me. I felt there must have been something horrifying down on the Albino Farm. I was wrong.

The only other positive thing to say about "Albino Farm" is that it contains a spectacular credit for its main monster. "Pig Bitch". Pig Bitch, (Bianca Barnett), is the deranged beast who does most of the hunting and killing of obnoxious college students. Unfortunately most of the kill scenes were shot in almost complete darkness so it was hard to admire the Pig Bitch's work. The only thing that could have saved this movie is if they had changed the title to "Pig Bitch" and let the beast break away from the Albino Farm. She has too much blood lust to sit around waiting for fools to show up at the farm. Let the Pig Bitch run wild and we'll all be better for it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 pig bitches