"Hell Ride" review

Hell Ride (2008)

Director: Larry Bishop
Writer: Larry Bishop

Larry Bishop ... Pistolero
Michael Madsen ... The Gent
Eric Balfour ... Comanche / Bix
Vinnie Jones ... Billy Wings
Leonor Varela ... Nada
Michael Beach ... Goody Two-Shoes
Laura Cayouette ... Dani
Julia Jones ... Cherokee Kisum

Pistolero, (Larry Bishop), wants revenge. Many years ago a beautiful woman was murdered by a rival motorcycle gang and he has vowed to track them down. There are plenty of topless women hanging around to help pass the time until their eventual showdown. Through a convoluted series of double crosses, Pistolero weeds out the traitors in his gang so that he and Michael Madsen can blow away their rival scumbags in peace. Blood, beer and babes. The three B's of bikers are in full effect.

Although I consider myself a student of exploitation movies, one genre I never really got into was the motorcycle gang movie. I assume the appeal is to watch guys act tough, curse, beat each other over the head and then carry a topless babe back to the bedroom. But what if you know they're just pretending to be tough guys? I'm watching "Hell Ride" thinking how these guys must have found a sucker to bankroll their movie so they could live out their fantasies of riding bikes through the desert while hard bodied women do their every bidding. Not a bad job if you can get it but it doesn't make for much of a movie.

But if you really want to understand why this pointless movie exists, one has to look no further than the credit that blares over the title: "Quentin Tarantino presents". "Hell Ride" tries to keep the momentum going from "Grindhouse" but writer/director/star Larry Bishop is no Tarantino. However, one must give credit where it's due. It takes a real man to write scenes where he gets to roll around with three naked women and have every female drooling over his biker body. Clearly, it's good to have friends in high places as they will make your fantasies come true but can't guarantee that anyone else will want to watch them.

"Hell Ride" is a mid-life crisis masquerading as a movie. It certainly has some pleasing B-movie elements but it reeks too much of a vanity project to be taken seriously. But if you live for motorcycle gang flicks, you might want to check it out as I don't think we'll be seeing any more of these movies anytime soon. It clocks in at 85 minutes so it won't drain too much of your life away. And don't worry about getting any permanent mental scars as "Hell Ride" is instantly forgettable. It's fading away into the sunset even now...Vroom, vroom, vroooooom....

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bad motor scooters