Vicarious

Well this is the first time in a real long time that i am so pre-occupied with someone else that i have completely forgot about my depression.

I wish i could say that it been a great time, but its honestly been very frustrating and filled with alot of anger. I cannot help using all the things that went wrong in past relationships, against the current one I'm in. I over think everything in a negative way and i don't believe the simplest of excuses. I over react, and I'm sure, for someone that is just trying to figure me out that I'm living up to all the crazy bullshit that he was warned about before getting wrapped up with me. I really wanted to prove the stories wrong, but I'm just living up to them. I'm am being everything they said i was.
Fuck, I'm like I'm a pre menopausal woman, my mood swings have been insane. I'm sure he never know what to expect. Nor do i really. I can't even control it anymore. The control i had is gone, a short lived memory. As if G wasn't a big enough crutch in my life. I find myself sucking it down each time i fight, just to get that fuzziness behind my eyes and to be able to breathe a calm breath. Flashback to my last relationship, and shooting up heroine after fights. I guess its not that bad just yet, but its feel like I'm on that path again. I doubt I'm gonna start using H again, but i hate having to use drugs just to make a relationship work.

It been almost 2 years since the start of my last relationship and even then my ex was bombarded with warnings about me. In 2 years the rumours have only gotten worse and it seems like now everyone has something to say, its seems like everyone has a fucking story. I'm not sure if its readers of this blog that think this is all I'm about or its just typical fags that judge me since i do porn, but beyond that normal stress of just getting to know someone and making an worthwhile connection, this bullshit has just been so draining. I can only imagine how it is for him.
I don't ask much for anyone, not from friends, not from family, not from fans and surely not from enemies, but Jesus, for once just leave me the fuck alone. You know if this relationship doesn't work, that's fine, but i wanna know it was because we choose not to make it work and not because some outside jealous source fucked it up for me. (Its insane that i need to even ask)

You know, it feel like forever since i let my guard down to care for someone else. But each time i look at him i can't help myself from thinking "this feels right james" It might possibly be the fact that each time he looks at me he kinda reminds me of puss-in-boots from Shrek, when he is doing that adorable innocent face, i swear it melts my heart.
I know, i focus so much on the bad things on this blog that sometimes i forget to mention the good days and the things that make me happy. Granted, this new relationship has been diffcult from alot of angles, and lets be honest i'll never be the easiest person to date, but when its been good, its been great. So thank you Anthony for that. Thank you for making me happy.