Moving Mountains

It feels like i'm trying to move mountains...

Once again I'm fighting being alone. Yeah i had alot to be happy about in my last blog but its still fucking rough. There still so much to get used to. A few days go by and everything seems to be just fine, but then i wake up this morning and something feels like its missing, and i feel like shit. I'm still having nightmares.

I would be lying if doing drugs to help me feel better hasn't crossed my mind. I think its even gotten to the point where if i was going to do them i would totally lie to readers saying i wasn't. Its funny, in "The Secret" it basically says that you attracted what you think about, well yesterday on my morning walk to get groceries i find about a gram and a half of cocaine right on the fucking street. I stopped myself and said " what are the fucking odds". Its not like i even live in a seedy part of town , its actually really nice over here. To first find 20 something bags of heroine and now a bag of coke. How is that not god fucking with me? Why can't god let me find a 2 liter bottle of GHB. I think maybe in all my free time i should walk around in my general area sniffing half full 7-up bottles to see if i find something i actually want this time.

So i guess something else that has me kinda upset, maybe not upset but frustrated is the fact that i am way to shy to take any connection that i have made with any guy i have hooked up with past sex. The sex is the easy part, its everything else that i suck at. Its just inviting someone over to talk and hang out that i can't seem to handle. I just think when i talk to someone and they start to listen to how fucked up i am that it will just ruin everything. I guess I'm scared of rejection. And lets face it as soon as i start giving someone my back round, if i could only read someones mind I'm sure all i would hear "holy fuck, this guy is not worth all this"
I guess i don't know the first thing about love, i just know how to dig my own grave.

One final personal note to Danny:

During our last argument online, i had lied to you about stuff i was doing during the time we had started talking with each other again. It was said out of anger and said to make you mad. I realize now that as much as it felt good at the time that i was just making myself look bad. I do not wanna get back together but i do not want a lie to be your the last impression of me. I have stayed pretty good friends with all my ex's and i don't think you should be any different. I do wish you the best for you. that's it.


"And after all of this I am amazed, That I am cursed far more than I am praised" ~Dustin Kensrue