The Fear is Gone

So its weird...

As i hang out with Danny more and more, i see myself becoming the same person i was, both for the good and the bad. The good of course being the fact i feel grounded and secure. Its like i have the little imaginary angel back on my shoulder whispering to me, "James, don't be dumb". And i listen. Even thou, i'm not sure where we stand i do feel loved. Loved at least just enough to have me come back for more. I'm a sucker for love, what can i say.
The bad being the fact that i become a recluse. I don't talk with friends and i live day in and day out in a mind numbing pattern that has no real ups and downs, just a straight line, maybe more of a flatline, because jesus does it ever feel like i'm a zombie. The high point of my day is deciding wether i'm going to be a fat pig and get the meatloaf at Boston Market or just stick to my normal routine of getting half a chicken.
It was this extremely hollow lifestyle that lead me to do drugs behind Dannys back when we dated. It was the reason i would lie to him that i had no more herione even thou i still enough to kill a small army. I just figured "that day", you know the day you just can't take it anymore and you give up? Well i figured when "that day" came around, i needed to be well supplied to forget all about that day, and more than even just that day but enough to forget my whole meaningless existance.

Anyways, before i get that bad, i need to figure out how i can avoid becoming a zombie again. Granted, the drugs are a thing of the past. But my routine is back in full swing and I feel the boredem slowly yet surely creeping in.
I even thought about getting a job, Yes a fucking job! Doing what, i have no clue. But maybe it would be an outlet away from my boredem and routine. Jesus, i dont have much when it comes to skills, if i could only find a job that would pay great money to steal music online all day then i would be fucking happy as a pig in shit. I'd be employee of the month, every month!
I think i also need to learn how to be a real friend. Learn how to pick up phone calls and not just tell people what they want to hear just to get off the phone quicker. I can't avoid friends just cause Danny is back in my life. I always ditch my friends for my bf, until i end up having no friends left. I need to grow up and lean how to handle both. I need to find a happy medium instead of favoring one or the other. I hung up my phone on 2 friends over the course of writing this, so starting.....NOW!

"This isn't me" i used to say, But it is... I just need to change. It feels good to be alive, cuz i have been dead for so long.