Sorry to leave everyone hanging...
I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and my blog needed a rest. To be completely honest i was alittle tired of this being the focus of my life. I am absolutely over the phone calls from people either cracking stupid jokes or the people trying to help. Please read the blog but seriously, don't invade my space. I am not a phone person to begin with, what makes you think that i wanna spend anymore time then i want to, to talk with a complete stranger about my feeling none the less? I don't wanna come off like i don't care about every ones concern when reading but please just leave a comment, trust me i read them all.
So this weekend could have gone really bad for me but thanks to focusing my energy into something positive the weekend has come and gone and i feel pretty damn good. Well, A whole hell of alot better than i would have if i attended either the Black Party or Algeria. I think was even supposed to "perform" at the black party. I turned down about 5 different people but i kept being told that the people at black party still had me listed as a performer. Well they can fucking suck it. All their cheap asses offered was a free ticket to basically have sex on stage. You have to be out of your fucking mind. Come on, even if i did lack common sense like most porn stars, my hooker skills would have kicked in and said "oh no, you need to get fucking paid" (and yes my hooker inner monologue speaks like an angry black woman). I was ultimately gonna just go, say i was gonna perform, get my free ticket and disappear into the crowd of shit, sweat and leather. Why the fuck not, i don't think i can make my name any worse in this industry or community than i already have, can I?
Well to make a long story short i choose not to go to spend time with my ex Danny. Even as friends he is keeping me grounded without even knowing it. I don't know if thrown into the enviorment of the those 2 party's if i would be strong enough to resist all the temptation around me. Yeah Danny and i just choose to sit around watching TV, cuddling most of the weekend. But all in all, that makes me feel so much better than any drugs or random hook ups could ever.
You know i have to give myself credit, because i slept over his place on Saturday night and when i woke up that morning, horny as fuck, with morning wood. Instead of pushing myself on him, i just got out of bed and went home. But i didn't stay home, cuz i knew if i sat home alone i would just get myself in trouble by having a trick come over, so i changed my cloths and took a walk to Union Square. The walk took my mind off things. Let me relax. You know, its helping me show myself that i willing put in the effort to make a relationship work with Danny again. Why? Because normally i would just run off and have sex and not care, but i know i have done enough damage between us already that i cant risk anymore fuck up over a brief loss of control. I wanna be in control of myself again. I wanna show him that I'm in control again.
Yes i have more issues than the next guy, but at least my out look is positive now. I am excited to make him proud by making myself into a better person.
It sucks but i am still fighting depression. Its become apprent that i have no control over it and really need to get more meds, becasue regardless of anything they were working for me. There was a couple times while hanging out with danny that i couldnt help having this sinking feeling. I did all i could to fight it and ultimately refocused my head so that i didnt let it control the good time i was having with danny. I also made sure he knew how i was feeling just so that my depression doesnt lead to fights or him thinking something is wrong. It would seem strange to readers since i am so open on here, but i have the hardest time expressing how i feel to loved ones. I supress everything until i blow up. I am really working on just being straight forward now. Open myself up to someone i love. He is worth it. He deserves it. Its just one of the many changes i need to make but it actually feels pretty good.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
"The Lost" review
The Lost (2005)Director: Chris Sivertson
Writers: Jack Ketchum Chris Sivertson
Genre:Drama / Horror more
Marc Senter ... Ray Pye
Shay Astar ... Jennifer Fitch
Alex Frost ... Tim Bess
Megan Henning ... Sally Richmond
Robin Sydney ... Katherine Wallace
Michael Bowen ... Detective Charlie Schilling
Ed Lauter ... Ed Anderson
Dee Wallace ... Barbara Hanlon (as Dee Wallace-Stone)
Erin Brown ... Lisa Steiner
Ruby Larocca ... Elise Hanlon
One of the first images in “The Lost” has a pair of feet trudging along a dirt path to an outhouse while “I’m the Pied Piper” plays on the soundtrack. When Ray Pye reaches the door of the outhouse, a naked woman steps out and stops the music. She once was lost but now she’s found. It’s her. My God, she’s everywhere. I can’t escape. It’s no use. She’s in every single B-movie. Yes, I’m talking about Misty Mundae. Back again and naked. Of course she is.
So Ray “Pied Piper” Pye spots a naked Mundae and another Seduction Cinema babe down at a campsite. He decides to blast some lesbians for fun. His friends insist that he doesn’t know whether they’re lesbians or not but Pye has probably seen enough late night Cinemax to know what he’s talking about. Pye shows his contempt for Mundae and friend by using them for target practice. His friends fall into line as the Pied Piper tells them everything will be just fine as long as they listen to him. Ray leads the Lost out of the woods and into a life filled with drugs, sleazy sex and rapidly disintegrating morality.
“The Lost” is based on the story of Charles Schmid, “The Pied Piper of Tucson”. Most of Ray Pye’s freaky eccentricities are lifted straight from Schmid. The makeup, the fake mole and especially the crushed cans in the boot to make himself seem taller all come from Schmid. The enduring mystery of Schmid/Pye is why are people attracted to this obvious loser? Why do these lost souls follow the pied piper down a path of destruction? In a boring town, Pye is the most exciting thing going on. Well, at least he thinks he is and acts the part of a cool guy so his friends will stick around. As the truth about himself slowly reveals itself to Pye, (that he is in fact a loser), Pye flips out and wants to send everyone he knows to their bloody death.
“The Lost” is a pretty good flick. I enjoyed it. “The Lost” takes a while to get going but eventually delivers at the end. There is a lot of build-up between the first murders and Ray Pye’s eventual transformation into a raving psychopath. Ray tries to grab onto whatever is left of his humanity but any normal woman will see right through his deceit. “The Lost” paints a sick portrait of a budding psycho. It’s worth a look.
So Ray “Pied Piper” Pye spots a naked Mundae and another Seduction Cinema babe down at a campsite. He decides to blast some lesbians for fun. His friends insist that he doesn’t know whether they’re lesbians or not but Pye has probably seen enough late night Cinemax to know what he’s talking about. Pye shows his contempt for Mundae and friend by using them for target practice. His friends fall into line as the Pied Piper tells them everything will be just fine as long as they listen to him. Ray leads the Lost out of the woods and into a life filled with drugs, sleazy sex and rapidly disintegrating morality.
“The Lost” is based on the story of Charles Schmid, “The Pied Piper of Tucson”. Most of Ray Pye’s freaky eccentricities are lifted straight from Schmid. The makeup, the fake mole and especially the crushed cans in the boot to make himself seem taller all come from Schmid. The enduring mystery of Schmid/Pye is why are people attracted to this obvious loser? Why do these lost souls follow the pied piper down a path of destruction? In a boring town, Pye is the most exciting thing going on. Well, at least he thinks he is and acts the part of a cool guy so his friends will stick around. As the truth about himself slowly reveals itself to Pye, (that he is in fact a loser), Pye flips out and wants to send everyone he knows to their bloody death.
“The Lost” is a pretty good flick. I enjoyed it. “The Lost” takes a while to get going but eventually delivers at the end. There is a lot of build-up between the first murders and Ray Pye’s eventual transformation into a raving psychopath. Ray tries to grab onto whatever is left of his humanity but any normal woman will see right through his deceit. “The Lost” paints a sick portrait of a budding psycho. It’s worth a look.
SCORE: 3 out of 4 Pied Pipers
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Taking a look from a step back
So this weekend was filled with so many mixed emotions, my head feels like its about to explode.
I spent the majority of this weekend with my ex Danny. We were celebrating his 25th birthday. But even with that in mind, Just like when we dated, we fought like cats and dogs. But most of the fighting was out of jealousies i think. I think we both intended for the other to sit on their ass and not try to reconnect with other men. I think we were both upset and pissed off at each when we did.
But i think when all was said and done, we finally met on some common ground. I'm starting to tear up as i write this but maybe the positive thinking worked. After i was done watching "The Secret" i wrote down a list of the things i wanted as the movie suggests to do. Having Danny back in my life was the number one thing on my list. Yes we are just trying to be friends now, but that alone is enough to make my miserable world alittle brighter.
Danny and i had a long talk last night about my multiple personalities and both agreed that its time that Erik Rhodes is going to have to take a back seat to who i really am. Its been over 4 years of hiding in the shadows of someone i never intended on becoming. I'm over it now. Someone had once said to me when they found out what my real name was that it ruined their whole fantasy, well if that is you, i suggest you stop reading now:
This was originally not for public consumption:
My name is James Elliott N.
I was born in 1-9-8-2, at Biosfet hospital, located in Long Island, NY
I am 6 foot, three I weigh 2-3-0 pounds
I have brown hair and brown eyes
I enjoy the gym, stealing music, movies and diner food
I have one brother, Jon, two sisters Danielle and Michelle
And two parents, Jim and Sue
In January of 2-0-0-8, I went crazy.
I have a lazy left eye
I snore
I am completely insecure
I am a long term relationship guy
I am a let down
But as of now i have goals and i am determined to achieve success and happiness in this lifetime.
I will always win.
I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have soaked this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, still I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
To breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die.
I spent the majority of this weekend with my ex Danny. We were celebrating his 25th birthday. But even with that in mind, Just like when we dated, we fought like cats and dogs. But most of the fighting was out of jealousies i think. I think we both intended for the other to sit on their ass and not try to reconnect with other men. I think we were both upset and pissed off at each when we did.
But i think when all was said and done, we finally met on some common ground. I'm starting to tear up as i write this but maybe the positive thinking worked. After i was done watching "The Secret" i wrote down a list of the things i wanted as the movie suggests to do. Having Danny back in my life was the number one thing on my list. Yes we are just trying to be friends now, but that alone is enough to make my miserable world alittle brighter.
Danny and i had a long talk last night about my multiple personalities and both agreed that its time that Erik Rhodes is going to have to take a back seat to who i really am. Its been over 4 years of hiding in the shadows of someone i never intended on becoming. I'm over it now. Someone had once said to me when they found out what my real name was that it ruined their whole fantasy, well if that is you, i suggest you stop reading now:
This was originally not for public consumption:
My name is James Elliott N.
I was born in 1-9-8-2, at Biosfet hospital, located in Long Island, NY
I am 6 foot, three I weigh 2-3-0 pounds
I have brown hair and brown eyes
I enjoy the gym, stealing music, movies and diner food
I have one brother, Jon, two sisters Danielle and Michelle
And two parents, Jim and Sue
In January of 2-0-0-8, I went crazy.
I have a lazy left eye
I snore
I am completely insecure
I am a long term relationship guy
I am a let down
But as of now i have goals and i am determined to achieve success and happiness in this lifetime.
I will always win.
I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have soaked this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, still I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
To breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Brainwashed
I mean what can i say except i was brainwashed last night.
So last night, I took an hour and a half out of my already seriously boring life to watch "The Secret". I went into it being very open minded in the hopes it could help me and i would have to say that when it was over i actually kinda started to tear up. I just thought to myself "i could do this". Yeah it feels kinda like joining a cult, but think about it, the people that join cults are the ones that have lost there own direction in life and are looking for answers anywhere they can get them, well goddamn it, that's pretty much me in a nutshell. So as stupid as it sounds, i have already started trying to apply it to my life.
I would have to say that its is pretty hard, at least for me being the most negative person i know. "The Secret" basically says you control your destiny through your thoughts. So if you think positively about anything, you can make a positive outcome for yourself. So in trying to apply this to my life, i try to think the positive way but automatically have trained my brain to say "what the fuck are you thinking, insert extremely negative outcome here: ______________________".
I'm sure its not an overnight thing and will it will take some work but shit, what else do i have, ya know. I think I'm going to watch it a couple more times also to help solidify my brainwashing. Who knows, you people might see a whole new person soon.
So last night, I took an hour and a half out of my already seriously boring life to watch "The Secret". I went into it being very open minded in the hopes it could help me and i would have to say that when it was over i actually kinda started to tear up. I just thought to myself "i could do this". Yeah it feels kinda like joining a cult, but think about it, the people that join cults are the ones that have lost there own direction in life and are looking for answers anywhere they can get them, well goddamn it, that's pretty much me in a nutshell. So as stupid as it sounds, i have already started trying to apply it to my life.
I would have to say that its is pretty hard, at least for me being the most negative person i know. "The Secret" basically says you control your destiny through your thoughts. So if you think positively about anything, you can make a positive outcome for yourself. So in trying to apply this to my life, i try to think the positive way but automatically have trained my brain to say "what the fuck are you thinking, insert extremely negative outcome here: ______________________".
I'm sure its not an overnight thing and will it will take some work but shit, what else do i have, ya know. I think I'm going to watch it a couple more times also to help solidify my brainwashing. Who knows, you people might see a whole new person soon.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Not dead yet?....
I guess i need to address something
I have been getting non-stop calls from friends saying "I heard that you have been threatening to kill yourself on your blog, are you alright?"
I am not trying to kill myself.
Yes i have been pretty fucking unhappy, but i am doing my best as of recently to dig myself out of this hole i have dug for myself. Its not going to happen overnight as much as i wish it would. The Glass has been half empty and leaking for a long time. So please bare with my depressing rants. The gun isnt even loaded yet. Its just sitting in the draw. Waiting..... for the day its all sunshine and rainbows. LOL.
I do admit that alot of my fustration with my life has been through bad choices. Porn being number one on my list. I find myself on a regular basis wishing i wasn't me or wishing i chose a differnet route in life. Unfortantley i'm stuck where i am, and just like my unhappiness, the ridiculous petty semi fame i have gotten from this industry will not disappear overnight. If anything it seems to get stronger by the day. In the begining of my career Chris Steele told me "Just Wait, and watch how popular you become" and at that moment it thrilled me. Now when i have fans come up to me and say "holy shit, are you Erik Rhodes" i say no. I say you must be mistaken and downplay it until they are confused or just think i'm a dick. I wish it would just go away. I wish people would want to know me for something i could be proud of and not because they enjoy seeing me get fucked in my ass. I have said it so many times, this industry has sucked the life out of me and i'm never gonna get it back. At one point i was proud of being a porn star, telling myself "this is what everyone wishes they could have done at least once in there life" now i sit an wish i blended in with the crowd. Have a simple life, be like everybody else. But instead of being able to age gracefully... i get to become as has-been. I'm thrilled with the depression that awaits me.
Okay enough with the depression. Brain stop over thinking.
I am doing my best starting now to get myself on my feet. I am trying my best at resisting drugs and alcohol. I am dieting and I have set goals for myself that i'll kill myself to accomplish. I am slowly getting to that better place, that solid ground, where the weight of being a porn star cannot drag me down. I am almost content. Not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but content, almost, and thats good enough for me.
I have been getting non-stop calls from friends saying "I heard that you have been threatening to kill yourself on your blog, are you alright?"
I am not trying to kill myself.
Yes i have been pretty fucking unhappy, but i am doing my best as of recently to dig myself out of this hole i have dug for myself. Its not going to happen overnight as much as i wish it would. The Glass has been half empty and leaking for a long time. So please bare with my depressing rants. The gun isnt even loaded yet. Its just sitting in the draw. Waiting..... for the day its all sunshine and rainbows. LOL.
I do admit that alot of my fustration with my life has been through bad choices. Porn being number one on my list. I find myself on a regular basis wishing i wasn't me or wishing i chose a differnet route in life. Unfortantley i'm stuck where i am, and just like my unhappiness, the ridiculous petty semi fame i have gotten from this industry will not disappear overnight. If anything it seems to get stronger by the day. In the begining of my career Chris Steele told me "Just Wait, and watch how popular you become" and at that moment it thrilled me. Now when i have fans come up to me and say "holy shit, are you Erik Rhodes" i say no. I say you must be mistaken and downplay it until they are confused or just think i'm a dick. I wish it would just go away. I wish people would want to know me for something i could be proud of and not because they enjoy seeing me get fucked in my ass. I have said it so many times, this industry has sucked the life out of me and i'm never gonna get it back. At one point i was proud of being a porn star, telling myself "this is what everyone wishes they could have done at least once in there life" now i sit an wish i blended in with the crowd. Have a simple life, be like everybody else. But instead of being able to age gracefully... i get to become as has-been. I'm thrilled with the depression that awaits me.
Okay enough with the depression. Brain stop over thinking.
I am doing my best starting now to get myself on my feet. I am trying my best at resisting drugs and alcohol. I am dieting and I have set goals for myself that i'll kill myself to accomplish. I am slowly getting to that better place, that solid ground, where the weight of being a porn star cannot drag me down. I am almost content. Not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but content, almost, and thats good enough for me.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Don't be ashamed
I basically made it through this weekend alright.
So Friday came around and as much as i really wanted to go nuts, i choose to hold it in. I even went to a bunch of shitty New York bars, not even having one drink. I did however pop a couple painkillers, but then again that is far from the amount of shit i was doing the previous weekend. Baby steps. I even had temptation thrown in my face again and i was good about it. It was really weird. There was this really cracked out dude at this bar that kept buying me drinks which i kept turning around a giving to my friends since i wasn't drinking. The cracked out dude got pissed when he found out what i was doing and walked away from me pissed off. I thought "oh well". About 10 mins later he comes back to me a put a gram of crystal in my hand and leaves the bar. He was like fucking Satan. Tempt me with drink all night and then when he sees that I'm not biting he drops crystal on me and says "good luck, bitch" and walks away.
I kept it, or at least i thought i did. When i got home later that night and cleaned out my pockets. It was gone. Better off, cuz its the late nights when I'm home alone that i think i should be with my bf cuddling in bed that i lose all concept of whats good for me.
I couldn't sleep that night. It honestly felt like i was having a flashback of high school, when i had a bad coke problem and i would say up nights watching the sun slowly creep up outside and get pissed knowing that i still having slept and knowing that i was going to have to get up soon for school. Except this time, as i watched the sun come out, i just popped more sleeping pills to make that shit, fucking disappear. I honestly even got confused thinking maybe i did do drugs and i already forgot. Maybe it was that guy i was hooking up with that i knew was doing dumps of K in the bathroom that gave me shit. Maybe it was the fact that because of my new diet the redbull was effecting me differently. I guess i will never know. I woke up at 4pm the next day.
I was pretty upset the next day. More or less because i been doing so fucking good with my whole body obsession that i was pissed i had already missed 4 meals since it was 4pm. I also felt hungover as shit. I'm gonna chalk that one up to the sleeping pills.
moving on.
I would have to say that I'm pretty embarrassed and i didn't wanna admit this but i have been texting my current ex. I miss him. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm ready to give up porn and i think that since that was one of the big problems in our relationship that if i wasn't doing it anymore maybe we could go back to the way things were when we didn't fight. Maybe I'm just being dumb. I think because of this blog that he knows that I'm pretty messed up, even more than i let on when we were going out. I think he sees that now and really wants no part of me. Which i understand. (beside the fact that i feel like Michael Musto, who cant keep his fucking mouth shut about anything). What is that whole bullshit, "if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". I guess it wasn't meant to be as much at one point we told each other it was. He texted me that i should listen to a song by Ashanti called "The Way That I Love You" that it was the perfect song for our situation. My song back to him which i never had the balls to text him back would be by City and Colour called "As much as i ever could". The part that makes me cry like a bitch is at the end of the song... "No i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home".
moving on.
The Grabby Porn Awards are coming up and the Nominations are out.
BEST RIMMING SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)
BEST GROUP SEX SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)
BEST ACTOR
ERIK RHODES (“The Ivy League”)
BEST VERSATILE PERFORMER
ERIK RHODES
Ummm, yeah it would be nice to win something, well fuck the first 2 noms, cuz I'm not about to share anything. But whatever, if i win i swear I'm gonna give this industry a piece of my mind. I cant wait.
Quote of the day:
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."~Edman
So Friday came around and as much as i really wanted to go nuts, i choose to hold it in. I even went to a bunch of shitty New York bars, not even having one drink. I did however pop a couple painkillers, but then again that is far from the amount of shit i was doing the previous weekend. Baby steps. I even had temptation thrown in my face again and i was good about it. It was really weird. There was this really cracked out dude at this bar that kept buying me drinks which i kept turning around a giving to my friends since i wasn't drinking. The cracked out dude got pissed when he found out what i was doing and walked away from me pissed off. I thought "oh well". About 10 mins later he comes back to me a put a gram of crystal in my hand and leaves the bar. He was like fucking Satan. Tempt me with drink all night and then when he sees that I'm not biting he drops crystal on me and says "good luck, bitch" and walks away.
I kept it, or at least i thought i did. When i got home later that night and cleaned out my pockets. It was gone. Better off, cuz its the late nights when I'm home alone that i think i should be with my bf cuddling in bed that i lose all concept of whats good for me.
I couldn't sleep that night. It honestly felt like i was having a flashback of high school, when i had a bad coke problem and i would say up nights watching the sun slowly creep up outside and get pissed knowing that i still having slept and knowing that i was going to have to get up soon for school. Except this time, as i watched the sun come out, i just popped more sleeping pills to make that shit, fucking disappear. I honestly even got confused thinking maybe i did do drugs and i already forgot. Maybe it was that guy i was hooking up with that i knew was doing dumps of K in the bathroom that gave me shit. Maybe it was the fact that because of my new diet the redbull was effecting me differently. I guess i will never know. I woke up at 4pm the next day.
I was pretty upset the next day. More or less because i been doing so fucking good with my whole body obsession that i was pissed i had already missed 4 meals since it was 4pm. I also felt hungover as shit. I'm gonna chalk that one up to the sleeping pills.
moving on.
I would have to say that I'm pretty embarrassed and i didn't wanna admit this but i have been texting my current ex. I miss him. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm ready to give up porn and i think that since that was one of the big problems in our relationship that if i wasn't doing it anymore maybe we could go back to the way things were when we didn't fight. Maybe I'm just being dumb. I think because of this blog that he knows that I'm pretty messed up, even more than i let on when we were going out. I think he sees that now and really wants no part of me. Which i understand. (beside the fact that i feel like Michael Musto, who cant keep his fucking mouth shut about anything). What is that whole bullshit, "if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". I guess it wasn't meant to be as much at one point we told each other it was. He texted me that i should listen to a song by Ashanti called "The Way That I Love You" that it was the perfect song for our situation. My song back to him which i never had the balls to text him back would be by City and Colour called "As much as i ever could". The part that makes me cry like a bitch is at the end of the song... "No i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home".
moving on.
The Grabby Porn Awards are coming up and the Nominations are out.
BEST RIMMING SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)
BEST GROUP SEX SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)
BEST ACTOR
ERIK RHODES (“The Ivy League”)
BEST VERSATILE PERFORMER
ERIK RHODES
Ummm, yeah it would be nice to win something, well fuck the first 2 noms, cuz I'm not about to share anything. But whatever, if i win i swear I'm gonna give this industry a piece of my mind. I cant wait.
Quote of the day:
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."~Edman
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
God fucking with me again.
This has happened before and i caved in...
On the cab ride home from JFK, it started. I got my first text from a friend which read "Hey, I got some T, I wanna see you and party". It was disregarded. The next message from another friend came at 10 o'clock the next morning saying basically the same thing. God knows if the texted came at 10 in the morning that this persons binge started at least the night before and he was still going strong the next day looking for more people to fuck and drag down with him. This one was alittle harder to turn down. I stopped and thought to myself, "i don't have anything coming up for a little while, maybe i can just go crazy for a little bit. I mean cuz that's exactly what happens, i go out of control. There was this one time, were i was shooting up so much crystal that i had no control of my arms and legs, they were basically just shaking out of control and i couldn't stop them, so i asked, what at the time i would consider a friends to help hold my arm down and have the another friend shoot me up, just so that i could push my high as far as it would go. Its pretty scary to think, friends would even help me try to kill yourself like i was so indirectly trying to do. But they were pretty high also. So its not there fault. To be honest, they weren't even friends, i couldnt tell you one name. They were Just people to get high with that become friends out of drug use. By the end of that binge i was so gone that i was terrified to even walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real and what i was just making up in my head. My halluciations were unbelievable and are still embeded on my brain. I always look back on that binge and this other binge that landed me in the hospital as the reason why i shouldn't give in. I was a fucking mess. I don't wanna let myself get to that level ever again.
Anyways, The guy from the second text admitted to me that he has had a crush on me and with all his failed attempts to be with me he figured some hot crystal sex would help get my attention. Well, i refuse to continue getting high and confusing it for love. Its funny because i talked about this same person in an earlier blog saying "this is the type of person i need to be around". Jesus. Same old fucking broken rollercoaster, just won't let me the fuck off.
Anyways, the third, semi-friend contacted me yesterday. This one was a porn star i hadn't talked to in awhile, but while i knew him, my nickname for him was "retard". He said he really needed to talk to me cuz he knew i could help him and wouldn't judge him. Well how fucking wrong he was. He claimed that he had just started using Crystal only acouple months ago and had already been to rehab for it. But since he was off crystal he developed A.D.H.D. and he said it was making him miserable. He said " Erik please, for a better way of life, i need to get crystal, and i need your help".
The first thing i thought was of course a retard would claim crystal would give him a better life. But then i thought of all the people who have posted on this blog and said to him what i think reader would tell me to tell him, i said, "The best help i can give you is, to urge you to go buy a gun and blow your brains out now, before you get any worse" That was the end of the conversation.
I just can't seem to get over that fact that drugs are all around me. Whether in LA or here in NYC. More and more of my once friends are turning into junkies. Not just junkies but junkies with HIV. Its pretty goddamn scary. But i think to myself, how the fuck have i gotten so lucky? My drug stories can put anything you can ever think of to shame and I'm still okay.
At the moment, i have refocused my insanity toward other things and its been working. You know, as awful as my over thinking is at times, it honestly has helped me to. These other guys who get wrapped up in drugs don't have crazy obsessions to help dig themselves out of there holes. So, you know what, Thank you crazy brain. Thank you for being crazy. So far you have kept me alive.
On the cab ride home from JFK, it started. I got my first text from a friend which read "Hey, I got some T, I wanna see you and party". It was disregarded. The next message from another friend came at 10 o'clock the next morning saying basically the same thing. God knows if the texted came at 10 in the morning that this persons binge started at least the night before and he was still going strong the next day looking for more people to fuck and drag down with him. This one was alittle harder to turn down. I stopped and thought to myself, "i don't have anything coming up for a little while, maybe i can just go crazy for a little bit. I mean cuz that's exactly what happens, i go out of control. There was this one time, were i was shooting up so much crystal that i had no control of my arms and legs, they were basically just shaking out of control and i couldn't stop them, so i asked, what at the time i would consider a friends to help hold my arm down and have the another friend shoot me up, just so that i could push my high as far as it would go. Its pretty scary to think, friends would even help me try to kill yourself like i was so indirectly trying to do. But they were pretty high also. So its not there fault. To be honest, they weren't even friends, i couldnt tell you one name. They were Just people to get high with that become friends out of drug use. By the end of that binge i was so gone that i was terrified to even walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real and what i was just making up in my head. My halluciations were unbelievable and are still embeded on my brain. I always look back on that binge and this other binge that landed me in the hospital as the reason why i shouldn't give in. I was a fucking mess. I don't wanna let myself get to that level ever again.
Anyways, The guy from the second text admitted to me that he has had a crush on me and with all his failed attempts to be with me he figured some hot crystal sex would help get my attention. Well, i refuse to continue getting high and confusing it for love. Its funny because i talked about this same person in an earlier blog saying "this is the type of person i need to be around". Jesus. Same old fucking broken rollercoaster, just won't let me the fuck off.
Anyways, the third, semi-friend contacted me yesterday. This one was a porn star i hadn't talked to in awhile, but while i knew him, my nickname for him was "retard". He said he really needed to talk to me cuz he knew i could help him and wouldn't judge him. Well how fucking wrong he was. He claimed that he had just started using Crystal only acouple months ago and had already been to rehab for it. But since he was off crystal he developed A.D.H.D. and he said it was making him miserable. He said " Erik please, for a better way of life, i need to get crystal, and i need your help".
The first thing i thought was of course a retard would claim crystal would give him a better life. But then i thought of all the people who have posted on this blog and said to him what i think reader would tell me to tell him, i said, "The best help i can give you is, to urge you to go buy a gun and blow your brains out now, before you get any worse" That was the end of the conversation.
I just can't seem to get over that fact that drugs are all around me. Whether in LA or here in NYC. More and more of my once friends are turning into junkies. Not just junkies but junkies with HIV. Its pretty goddamn scary. But i think to myself, how the fuck have i gotten so lucky? My drug stories can put anything you can ever think of to shame and I'm still okay.
At the moment, i have refocused my insanity toward other things and its been working. You know, as awful as my over thinking is at times, it honestly has helped me to. These other guys who get wrapped up in drugs don't have crazy obsessions to help dig themselves out of there holes. So, you know what, Thank you crazy brain. Thank you for being crazy. So far you have kept me alive.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Time to make a change.
Its time to refocus myself.
Well i don't think i have hit rock bottom, but i can see that is the way i was going and I'm gonna put the brake on now. Coming back from the Toxic world that is LA, i am filled with the over whelming urge to make a change in my life. And not just a small change like no more drugs and meaningless sex... but i am going to start eating healthy and refocus my life into my body. Make it my new obsession. I'm tired of sex being my obsession. I swear LA was great in a bad way of making me realize after all the sex that i had that i was just bored. New big dick, same old positions, no emotions. When your already thinking of the next guy coming over while the one guy is still in the middle of fucking you, there is a problem. I want emotions and passion. Yes i am a total size queen and that will more than likely never change, but i want the next big dick that fucks me to love me, and maybe not love me, but at least be into me enough that its not just the same old thing.
My last night in LA was pretty interesting and opened me up to some new ideas that i think i might now be able to handle. I went out again with "the revenge date". First let me just say that for a 33 year old he was dressed so amazing, like this Little skater boy, it was adorable. Anyways over the course of the night, he took to much XTC and i had to sit there with him and take care of him. I don't know, but it was a change having to take care of someone versus someone take care of me. I liked it. I liked that he could let loose and not care, i liked that he let me take care of him. It was weird, cuz even thou i knew he is a total player, i said maybe this is they type of guy i should be with and not care about being open to liking other guys, Not like an open relationship, but a relationship without jealousies over dumb shit. Everyone looks, even if they say they don't' they do, i know i do, so why should i get pissed when you do. Maybe i just need to look at the fact that I'm not perfect and find someone that isn't perfect also. I' don't know its just a thought. But Shaun , if you read this, thanks so much for the good time. You were breathe of fresh air for me.
By the end of the night i did so much coke, G and painkillers mixed up with Old English 40's that i was puking all over the place. I disappeared from everyone and went back to my hotel and passed out. When i woke up, it was the start of a new beginning. I said i cant do this anymore. I don't wanna be this person. I want a clear head. I want to be happy. Maybe if i make a huge change maybe it will be what i have been looking for. Maybe I'll just get more depressed. I guess we'll have to find out.
Well i don't think i have hit rock bottom, but i can see that is the way i was going and I'm gonna put the brake on now. Coming back from the Toxic world that is LA, i am filled with the over whelming urge to make a change in my life. And not just a small change like no more drugs and meaningless sex... but i am going to start eating healthy and refocus my life into my body. Make it my new obsession. I'm tired of sex being my obsession. I swear LA was great in a bad way of making me realize after all the sex that i had that i was just bored. New big dick, same old positions, no emotions. When your already thinking of the next guy coming over while the one guy is still in the middle of fucking you, there is a problem. I want emotions and passion. Yes i am a total size queen and that will more than likely never change, but i want the next big dick that fucks me to love me, and maybe not love me, but at least be into me enough that its not just the same old thing.
My last night in LA was pretty interesting and opened me up to some new ideas that i think i might now be able to handle. I went out again with "the revenge date". First let me just say that for a 33 year old he was dressed so amazing, like this Little skater boy, it was adorable. Anyways over the course of the night, he took to much XTC and i had to sit there with him and take care of him. I don't know, but it was a change having to take care of someone versus someone take care of me. I liked it. I liked that he could let loose and not care, i liked that he let me take care of him. It was weird, cuz even thou i knew he is a total player, i said maybe this is they type of guy i should be with and not care about being open to liking other guys, Not like an open relationship, but a relationship without jealousies over dumb shit. Everyone looks, even if they say they don't' they do, i know i do, so why should i get pissed when you do. Maybe i just need to look at the fact that I'm not perfect and find someone that isn't perfect also. I' don't know its just a thought. But Shaun , if you read this, thanks so much for the good time. You were breathe of fresh air for me.
By the end of the night i did so much coke, G and painkillers mixed up with Old English 40's that i was puking all over the place. I disappeared from everyone and went back to my hotel and passed out. When i woke up, it was the start of a new beginning. I said i cant do this anymore. I don't wanna be this person. I want a clear head. I want to be happy. Maybe if i make a huge change maybe it will be what i have been looking for. Maybe I'll just get more depressed. I guess we'll have to find out.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
"The Caretaker" review
The Caretaker (2008)Director: Bryce Olson
Writer: Jackie Olson
Kira Verrastro... Ella
James Immekus... Snail
Jennifer Freeman... Sonya
Andrew St. John... Topher
Diego J. Torres... Ricky
Victoria Vande Vegte... Chloe
Jennifer Tilly... Miss Perry
Judd Nelson... Ella's Dad
Jonathan Breck... The Limo Driver
Lola Davidson... Missy
I went to see “The Caretaker” the other day at the Fine Arts Theater on Wilshire. When I heard about Jennifer Tilly in a horror flick, I knew this was a film that had to be seen. So I met a few friends at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to get the Saturday night off on the right foot. Nothing says good times like those waffles on Gower St. After eating there, I decided to rate “The Caretaker” based on a scale of 1 to 4 succulent breasts.
Before we left Roscoe’s I was told some interesting stories. One, did you know that McDonalds burgers taste sour? I didn’t understand it either but my friend’s girlfriend insists that the Royale with Cheese is a sour tasting sandwich. Those of us who grew up on it just didn’t understand the concept. I also heard a story about a house in Chatsworth that was rented out for porno shoots. One of my friends knew a guy who used to rent it out and then watch the movie so that they could see their house. “There’s my couch!” Apparently you get more money if you let them use the bedroom but they rarely did that. You’ve got to have some standards. I laughed my head off at this story as it proved my theory that every third house in Chatsworth is used for porn. My friend lives in Van Nuys but that’s used more for editing porn than for shooting it. You get better hourly rates in Chatsworth.
So we left Roscoe’s and headed over to the Fine Arts Theater. I had them follow me down Sunset Blvd because I knew the way. I lost them in about two minutes. Who knew Sunset would be jam packed on a Saturday night besides everybody in the entire world? I called them to see where they were. They had already passed me and were cruising down La Cienega. They had both grown up in L.A. and were zipping through traffic like it was nothing. We parked at the Flynt building and started to walk on over.
We got to the movie theater and the line to get in had just started to move. This was a free movie in order to get some word of mouth going. We were told that Jennifer Tilly and Judd Nelson were going to show up to take questions after the movie was over. I settled in for some Saturday night horror. It was show time.
A bunch of teens decide to scare their dates by pulling a Halloween prank. Instead of going to the school dance, the limo driver takes them to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. They proceed to tell the girls the story of the Caretaker. The Caretaker flipped out one day and chained his wife to her bedroom. He would dispatch people with his killer fruit picker if anyone looked at her. No one knows if the caretaker is still alive or dead. But since this is a horror movie we can assume he’s alive and is going to torment these teens as all good slashers should. Sure enough, he attacks them as soon as the story is over. It was very considerate of him to wait till the end to pounce. He pulls out his deadly fruit picker and the teens run for their lives. Jennifer Tilly and her killer cleavage show up near the end to try to get some fame from dating a serial killer. It ends badly.
First, let me praise the best part of this movie. Near the beginning of the movie, a horny couple enters the house so that they can get ready to help the teens scare their dates. The girl takes her top off and proceeds to bounce around. Then, to prove her worth to her boyfriend, she takes a flashlight, presses it against her breast and turns it on. Her breasts then glow in the dark. Scary! This scene was highly entertaining and I’d like to thank the filmmakers for their glowing breast efforts. That scores it two succulent breasts out of four.
Unfortunately I can’t really say I was too entertained by the rest of the movie. “The Caretaker” is really light on the blood and guts. For a horror movie, this is the kiss of death. The movie is done in a very lighthearted way that doesn’t fit with my idea of what a maniac with a killer fruit picker movie should be. I can think of about five or six gore scenes that should have been in this movie that were shamefully left out. Why didn’t the caretaker shove his fruit picker through someone? Or cut off someone’s head? He should have at least picked out someone’s heart with it. Most of the violent scenes are done off screen with minimal blood effects afterwards. The filmmakers have a very unique slasher weapon with the fruit picker, (as far as I know it’s never been done before), and yet they failed to exploit it.
When the movie was over, the Q&A section began.
Judd Nelson showed up for it but Jennifer Tilly was nowhere in sight. She was very busy with a pair of jacks and was going for a full house. So the moderator asked the cast some very innocuous questions as we waited for the audience to get their turn. The moderator let two people in the audience speak, (I’m guessing friends of the cast as one question was, “You’re all up and coming actors. What other projects do you have coming up?”) My friend was waiting to ask a question about the thumb scene. In one flashback scene, it showed the caretaker’s wife escaping from her chain by biting her thumb off. Later in the movie, another girl is chained to the exact same spot on the floor that the wife was. He was expecting another thumb biting but she just slips out of the handcuff. “I was going to ask them why they built up the thumb biting scene and then forget to have it again. I would have asked but the Q&A was over too quickly. Well, they lost this reviewer after that scene.” Me too man. Me too.
Overall, “The Caretaker” is a goofy little horror movie with not a lot to get excited about. But it’s a competently filmed movie so it didn’t hurt me too much. As we left the theater, they were selling “Caretaker” DVD’s in the lobby. If Tilly had shown up, I would have gotten one and had her sign it. But she went all in after she got a pair of fives and couldn’t make it.
If you’re looking for a scary horror flick, “The Caretaker” is not what you’re looking for. But for a free movie after a delicious waffle dinner at Roscoe’s, “The Caretaker” wasn’t too bad. If you need to see some glow in the dark breasts, this may be worth fast forwarding through to the succulent part.
Before we left Roscoe’s I was told some interesting stories. One, did you know that McDonalds burgers taste sour? I didn’t understand it either but my friend’s girlfriend insists that the Royale with Cheese is a sour tasting sandwich. Those of us who grew up on it just didn’t understand the concept. I also heard a story about a house in Chatsworth that was rented out for porno shoots. One of my friends knew a guy who used to rent it out and then watch the movie so that they could see their house. “There’s my couch!” Apparently you get more money if you let them use the bedroom but they rarely did that. You’ve got to have some standards. I laughed my head off at this story as it proved my theory that every third house in Chatsworth is used for porn. My friend lives in Van Nuys but that’s used more for editing porn than for shooting it. You get better hourly rates in Chatsworth.
So we left Roscoe’s and headed over to the Fine Arts Theater. I had them follow me down Sunset Blvd because I knew the way. I lost them in about two minutes. Who knew Sunset would be jam packed on a Saturday night besides everybody in the entire world? I called them to see where they were. They had already passed me and were cruising down La Cienega. They had both grown up in L.A. and were zipping through traffic like it was nothing. We parked at the Flynt building and started to walk on over.
We got to the movie theater and the line to get in had just started to move. This was a free movie in order to get some word of mouth going. We were told that Jennifer Tilly and Judd Nelson were going to show up to take questions after the movie was over. I settled in for some Saturday night horror. It was show time.
A bunch of teens decide to scare their dates by pulling a Halloween prank. Instead of going to the school dance, the limo driver takes them to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. They proceed to tell the girls the story of the Caretaker. The Caretaker flipped out one day and chained his wife to her bedroom. He would dispatch people with his killer fruit picker if anyone looked at her. No one knows if the caretaker is still alive or dead. But since this is a horror movie we can assume he’s alive and is going to torment these teens as all good slashers should. Sure enough, he attacks them as soon as the story is over. It was very considerate of him to wait till the end to pounce. He pulls out his deadly fruit picker and the teens run for their lives. Jennifer Tilly and her killer cleavage show up near the end to try to get some fame from dating a serial killer. It ends badly.
First, let me praise the best part of this movie. Near the beginning of the movie, a horny couple enters the house so that they can get ready to help the teens scare their dates. The girl takes her top off and proceeds to bounce around. Then, to prove her worth to her boyfriend, she takes a flashlight, presses it against her breast and turns it on. Her breasts then glow in the dark. Scary! This scene was highly entertaining and I’d like to thank the filmmakers for their glowing breast efforts. That scores it two succulent breasts out of four.
Unfortunately I can’t really say I was too entertained by the rest of the movie. “The Caretaker” is really light on the blood and guts. For a horror movie, this is the kiss of death. The movie is done in a very lighthearted way that doesn’t fit with my idea of what a maniac with a killer fruit picker movie should be. I can think of about five or six gore scenes that should have been in this movie that were shamefully left out. Why didn’t the caretaker shove his fruit picker through someone? Or cut off someone’s head? He should have at least picked out someone’s heart with it. Most of the violent scenes are done off screen with minimal blood effects afterwards. The filmmakers have a very unique slasher weapon with the fruit picker, (as far as I know it’s never been done before), and yet they failed to exploit it.
When the movie was over, the Q&A section began.
Judd Nelson showed up for it but Jennifer Tilly was nowhere in sight. She was very busy with a pair of jacks and was going for a full house. So the moderator asked the cast some very innocuous questions as we waited for the audience to get their turn. The moderator let two people in the audience speak, (I’m guessing friends of the cast as one question was, “You’re all up and coming actors. What other projects do you have coming up?”) My friend was waiting to ask a question about the thumb scene. In one flashback scene, it showed the caretaker’s wife escaping from her chain by biting her thumb off. Later in the movie, another girl is chained to the exact same spot on the floor that the wife was. He was expecting another thumb biting but she just slips out of the handcuff. “I was going to ask them why they built up the thumb biting scene and then forget to have it again. I would have asked but the Q&A was over too quickly. Well, they lost this reviewer after that scene.” Me too man. Me too.Overall, “The Caretaker” is a goofy little horror movie with not a lot to get excited about. But it’s a competently filmed movie so it didn’t hurt me too much. As we left the theater, they were selling “Caretaker” DVD’s in the lobby. If Tilly had shown up, I would have gotten one and had her sign it. But she went all in after she got a pair of fives and couldn’t make it.
If you’re looking for a scary horror flick, “The Caretaker” is not what you’re looking for. But for a free movie after a delicious waffle dinner at Roscoe’s, “The Caretaker” wasn’t too bad. If you need to see some glow in the dark breasts, this may be worth fast forwarding through to the succulent part.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 succulent breasts
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Revenge and Its time to leave LA.
I can take much more of LA.
I have been here over a week and i'm just over it. I have had way to much sex and i have done to much drugs to wanna be here anymore. I have had my fill and now its time to go home. I woke up this morning, well i'm not sure if i woke up or just opened my eyes after laying in bed for a couple hours hoping to fall asleep, but i the overwheleming feeling to just pack up and leave like i have over stayed my welcome. I mean tonight is my last night, but i am not in the mood to go out anymore and for once in a longtime am not in the mood to have sex, so with no urge for sex what is the point of going out? just to be around gay men, no thanks! Seriously, my dick is raw and my ass is beat the fuck up, oh, who know after i get a couple drinks in my my feeling might change.
Another reason its time to leave LA is my hotel is a fucking dump and i really dont wanna be in this piece of shit much longer than i have to. It's honestly one step away from being a bathhouse. There is dried cum all over the curtains and there is a sign on the door urging guests to make sure they lock the door before they go to sleep. Why you ask? Because you just might end up with a queer in your bed that you were not expecting. It was pretty unbelieveable that about 20 mins after checking in here, i had a knock at my door from some 18 year old kid asking me if i was looking for company? Of course, i said No.... well no at first. I got something to eat and when i came back the kid was still floating around the hotel so i took him up on his offer and used his mouth as my own personal fuck hole. I just can't help to think anyone that hangs around these seedy places, is looking to be treated like a piece of shit. Cuz i mean that how i treated him and he seemed like he couldnt be happier. Well, i was also in a rush because i had my date and i needed to get ready. So i pumped and dumped his face and quickly got ready cuz my dates was going to be picking me up soon.
I'm not sure if you could call it a date as much as you can call it revenge. Revenge on my current Ex. Jesus, victory tastes so fucking sweet. Oh yeah, people were used and the date was one of the best jobs i have ever done acting. But it played out exactly how i wanted. To be 100 percent serious, going on this revenge date was the only reason i extended my trip. I wish i could go into more detail, cuz the details will only make my thrill that much more intense, but i'm a sucker and i actually like the guy i went on the date with. Not as a Bf kinda way cuz the guy is a total player, but he seemed like good people and i dont want my craziness to effect a possible friendship. You know, i have done my best at getting over my ex and i still do find myself getting upset over things i shouldnt be anymore, but this was one of the things that kept playing in my head over and over after we broke up. I was obcessing over it. But thanks to my utter insanity toward this obcession, it will not be an issue anymore. This was kinda like therepy for a crazy person. Its nice to know that i win. i win. i win. i win.
I have been here over a week and i'm just over it. I have had way to much sex and i have done to much drugs to wanna be here anymore. I have had my fill and now its time to go home. I woke up this morning, well i'm not sure if i woke up or just opened my eyes after laying in bed for a couple hours hoping to fall asleep, but i the overwheleming feeling to just pack up and leave like i have over stayed my welcome. I mean tonight is my last night, but i am not in the mood to go out anymore and for once in a longtime am not in the mood to have sex, so with no urge for sex what is the point of going out? just to be around gay men, no thanks! Seriously, my dick is raw and my ass is beat the fuck up, oh, who know after i get a couple drinks in my my feeling might change.
Another reason its time to leave LA is my hotel is a fucking dump and i really dont wanna be in this piece of shit much longer than i have to. It's honestly one step away from being a bathhouse. There is dried cum all over the curtains and there is a sign on the door urging guests to make sure they lock the door before they go to sleep. Why you ask? Because you just might end up with a queer in your bed that you were not expecting. It was pretty unbelieveable that about 20 mins after checking in here, i had a knock at my door from some 18 year old kid asking me if i was looking for company? Of course, i said No.... well no at first. I got something to eat and when i came back the kid was still floating around the hotel so i took him up on his offer and used his mouth as my own personal fuck hole. I just can't help to think anyone that hangs around these seedy places, is looking to be treated like a piece of shit. Cuz i mean that how i treated him and he seemed like he couldnt be happier. Well, i was also in a rush because i had my date and i needed to get ready. So i pumped and dumped his face and quickly got ready cuz my dates was going to be picking me up soon.
I'm not sure if you could call it a date as much as you can call it revenge. Revenge on my current Ex. Jesus, victory tastes so fucking sweet. Oh yeah, people were used and the date was one of the best jobs i have ever done acting. But it played out exactly how i wanted. To be 100 percent serious, going on this revenge date was the only reason i extended my trip. I wish i could go into more detail, cuz the details will only make my thrill that much more intense, but i'm a sucker and i actually like the guy i went on the date with. Not as a Bf kinda way cuz the guy is a total player, but he seemed like good people and i dont want my craziness to effect a possible friendship. You know, i have done my best at getting over my ex and i still do find myself getting upset over things i shouldnt be anymore, but this was one of the things that kept playing in my head over and over after we broke up. I was obcessing over it. But thanks to my utter insanity toward this obcession, it will not be an issue anymore. This was kinda like therepy for a crazy person. Its nice to know that i win. i win. i win. i win.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
"Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep" review
Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)Charlie O'Connell... Ray
Victoria Pratt... Nicole
Kristi Angus... Jenny
Cory Monteith... Michael
Jack Scalia... Maxwell Odemus
Nicole McKay... Kate
Michal Yannai... Sally (as Michal Yanai)
Kyle Morven Tejpar... Young Ray
Victoria Pratt... Nicole
Kristi Angus... Jenny
Cory Monteith... Michael
Jack Scalia... Maxwell Odemus
Nicole McKay... Kate
Michal Yannai... Sally (as Michal Yanai)
Kyle Morven Tejpar... Young Ray
I saw this over at a friend’s house the other day. You can always tell how qualified a B-movie scientist is by how hot she looks in a bikini.
As you can see, Dr. Babe is very qualified. She is hunting some mythical lost treasure that may or may not be guarded by a giant squid. She is being pressured by a bunch of thugs dressed in black who don’t look nearly as good in black as her. 
They want her to go searching for the treasure for them but she’ll never lower her standards to work for those cretins. Instead she brings along some goofball who wants to take his revenge on the giant squid for killing his parents. This time it’s personal.“Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” is a typical straight to video creature feature. Nothing too exciting to write about other than the fact that Dr. Babe could not keep her shirt on. No matter where she was, (the boat, her hotel room, anywhere), she somehow found a way to change in and out of her clothes. We must commend the producers for exploiting one of their best special effects.
Actually, she was probably their best special effect as the Kraken was looking a little cheesy.But The Kraken does manage to kill people on a fairly regular basis so you can’t fault him for his work ethic. He knows what a B-movie monster is supposed to do. The kill scenes are not anything out of the ordinary although I’m always a sucker for the scenes where the person gets pulled under the water and the blood starts bubbling up. I can’t get enough of that. The Kraken does manage to rip apart some people so I was mildly entertained. “Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep” might be worth a look if you’re in dire need of a Kraken fix.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 Krakens
Done filming and time to get into trouble.
Well the movie is over...
First off let me just say that i am dissapointed with Falcon and not checking over its models before they get the okay to work. (Without giving names) I had to work with a model i can only refer to as "stink dick" who's pics in the casting book seemed very promising. Well "stink dick" was nothing like what his pics offered. Kinda like a bad hook up off Manhunt (which i'm only using as a refernece and i dont have) he had shark teeth and one of the smallest ugliest and worst smelling dicks i hve ever come into contact with in my whole career in porn. Besides that he had one of those, "i just got to know you and i think we are best friends" personalities that i can barely stand to be around for about 10 mins before i start picturing ways of brutally killing you in my head.
But being a professional that i am, i just went along for the disgusting ride as long as i could before i felt like i was going to throw up. I did my best to give him a phantom blowjob during the oral part of the scene, but when the diretor started talking about rimming his ass i put my fucking foot down. I took the director aside and told him about the stink coming off this dudes cut 4 inch killer and said "Listen, if he has bad hygene in the front, you for goddamn sure know he is clueless about the backside. I will not go anywhere near it." I got my way.
Thankfully, the scene was a three way and there was a great big black dick there to have me occupy the rest of my time in the scene with. "Stink Dick" basiclly played the backround for the rest of the scene while me and the other model enjoyed each other.
But i guess the joke is on me and the other model, cuz "stink dick" still got paid. Maybe thats what i should do next movie. Just show up gross enough to make other models sick enough to throw up and still get paid at the end of the day. Maybe "Stink Dick" found a way to beat the system. HHHHHMMMMMMMMMM, joke is really on me.
Moving on....
I'm now free in LA to go crazy. I really could have really used a drink after working with "Stink Dick" but i had another scene the very next day so i had to be good. Tonight i will be going fucking nuts and each drink i will cheers to complete strangers will be deticated to that ugly penis.
But off the topic of ugly dick, I kinda like being in LA: the state with no soul. This is the land of make believe, where everyone can pretend to be much more important than the really are. And the everyone else.... a bunch of hopefull others with so many stars in there eyes that they are blinded to see that its just not gonna happen the way they imagined in there dreams. This is place is filled with so many miserable and dylusional people that i feel right at home. Except that in New York, i dont waste 15 percent of my life sitting in traffic. Its just nice to know that when i go out tonight, i can be fake as shit and know that anyone i am talking to is being just as fake as me. I dont have to feel bad about anything.
It remind me of this one time, i was here in LA and i hooked up with this guy. Kinda. I brought him back to my hotel and i passed out on him. I guess about an hour later i woke up and he was in the middle of fucking me. I was to trashed to care and just went right back to sleep. When i woke up that morning, i basically thought it was all a dream until, i found a note from him saying what a great time he had and hoped we could do it again sometime. No one cares here in LA, its just a souless creature that is always just looking for the perfect oppertunity. I could never live like these people, but at the same time it will be fun to not care for awhile.
Moving on....
I am starting to think my brother is crazy. Maybe not crazy but fucking brainwashed. He has been preaching to me about positive thinking. He has thrown a couple movies in my face that he is urging me to watch. One called "What the Bleep do we know" and the other being "The Secret". This is totally out of left field for my brother to be saying. But at the same time its something i think i should watch to help with my depression. He says it has totally helped him and i know he isn't just throwning bullshit at me since he is my best friend and brother. I am just very skeptical. Like very who talks to me says... "damn your glass of water is always half empty", in which my reply is "yes half empty and has a crack along the side that is leaking". I also can't help to think an Oprah book is not going to help me.
First off let me just say that i am dissapointed with Falcon and not checking over its models before they get the okay to work. (Without giving names) I had to work with a model i can only refer to as "stink dick" who's pics in the casting book seemed very promising. Well "stink dick" was nothing like what his pics offered. Kinda like a bad hook up off Manhunt (which i'm only using as a refernece and i dont have) he had shark teeth and one of the smallest ugliest and worst smelling dicks i hve ever come into contact with in my whole career in porn. Besides that he had one of those, "i just got to know you and i think we are best friends" personalities that i can barely stand to be around for about 10 mins before i start picturing ways of brutally killing you in my head.
But being a professional that i am, i just went along for the disgusting ride as long as i could before i felt like i was going to throw up. I did my best to give him a phantom blowjob during the oral part of the scene, but when the diretor started talking about rimming his ass i put my fucking foot down. I took the director aside and told him about the stink coming off this dudes cut 4 inch killer and said "Listen, if he has bad hygene in the front, you for goddamn sure know he is clueless about the backside. I will not go anywhere near it." I got my way.
Thankfully, the scene was a three way and there was a great big black dick there to have me occupy the rest of my time in the scene with. "Stink Dick" basiclly played the backround for the rest of the scene while me and the other model enjoyed each other.
But i guess the joke is on me and the other model, cuz "stink dick" still got paid. Maybe thats what i should do next movie. Just show up gross enough to make other models sick enough to throw up and still get paid at the end of the day. Maybe "Stink Dick" found a way to beat the system. HHHHHMMMMMMMMMM, joke is really on me.
Moving on....
I'm now free in LA to go crazy. I really could have really used a drink after working with "Stink Dick" but i had another scene the very next day so i had to be good. Tonight i will be going fucking nuts and each drink i will cheers to complete strangers will be deticated to that ugly penis.
But off the topic of ugly dick, I kinda like being in LA: the state with no soul. This is the land of make believe, where everyone can pretend to be much more important than the really are. And the everyone else.... a bunch of hopefull others with so many stars in there eyes that they are blinded to see that its just not gonna happen the way they imagined in there dreams. This is place is filled with so many miserable and dylusional people that i feel right at home. Except that in New York, i dont waste 15 percent of my life sitting in traffic. Its just nice to know that when i go out tonight, i can be fake as shit and know that anyone i am talking to is being just as fake as me. I dont have to feel bad about anything.
It remind me of this one time, i was here in LA and i hooked up with this guy. Kinda. I brought him back to my hotel and i passed out on him. I guess about an hour later i woke up and he was in the middle of fucking me. I was to trashed to care and just went right back to sleep. When i woke up that morning, i basically thought it was all a dream until, i found a note from him saying what a great time he had and hoped we could do it again sometime. No one cares here in LA, its just a souless creature that is always just looking for the perfect oppertunity. I could never live like these people, but at the same time it will be fun to not care for awhile.
Moving on....
I am starting to think my brother is crazy. Maybe not crazy but fucking brainwashed. He has been preaching to me about positive thinking. He has thrown a couple movies in my face that he is urging me to watch. One called "What the Bleep do we know" and the other being "The Secret". This is totally out of left field for my brother to be saying. But at the same time its something i think i should watch to help with my depression. He says it has totally helped him and i know he isn't just throwning bullshit at me since he is my best friend and brother. I am just very skeptical. Like very who talks to me says... "damn your glass of water is always half empty", in which my reply is "yes half empty and has a crack along the side that is leaking". I also can't help to think an Oprah book is not going to help me.
Monday, March 3, 2008
My LA update so far...
So i'm in LA filming.
I would have to say that I am having a great time. For most my porn career i have been tied down in relationships and being on set with a boyfriend at home was not always easy. This is the first time since i started porn that i have not had to worry about making phone calls and giving my bf the play by play of my daily schedule. It the first time that i can do whatever i want and not have to worry or feel bad about it. From hooking up with models to just hanging and getting some food with them, i can just relax and enjoy myself and its been great. The models that i been hanging out with not only have they been abnormally good looking but really fun guys that i would enjoy being around if we weren't here working. The funny thing is that so far the majority of them have been straight. (well kinda) I have always, always had, i'm not sure if you can call it a talent, but i have always been able to draw that straight guy to me and make him second guess his whole "just gay for pay" lifestyle. I'm not normally that type. I hate the whole straight boy, confused sexuality thing and it not something i look for like other fags i know.lol. ( love you james). But fuck it, if they are gonna throw me a bone, i'm gonna take it. After the movie is over, as nice as you are, you can go back to leading your confused life, its no skin off my back. Hey, but if i help show you that not all fags are straight up queens and can be butch and proud of taking it in the ass, well then kudos for me.
Anyways, this movie is 1/2 done and i still have 2 more scenes to do. So all these guys will be heading out tonight and then new ones will be coming in. Like i said in my last blog, i'm starting to think, this trip is gonna be to much sex. I also decided to stay in la a couple extra days to get some "me time", that normally consist of alot of sex also. I do have one date set up while i am out here and all i can say about that is.... oh man is it ever gonna be good in so many ways. I might, maybe, slightly possibley give details about it later, i just have to see how it plays out. I dont wanna jinx it just yet.
I would have to say that the meds i been taking are kinda working, at least since i got them and been out here, i havent been depressed at all. I haven't started drinking yet... so i guess we'll have to see how that goes....
I would have to say that I am having a great time. For most my porn career i have been tied down in relationships and being on set with a boyfriend at home was not always easy. This is the first time since i started porn that i have not had to worry about making phone calls and giving my bf the play by play of my daily schedule. It the first time that i can do whatever i want and not have to worry or feel bad about it. From hooking up with models to just hanging and getting some food with them, i can just relax and enjoy myself and its been great. The models that i been hanging out with not only have they been abnormally good looking but really fun guys that i would enjoy being around if we weren't here working. The funny thing is that so far the majority of them have been straight. (well kinda) I have always, always had, i'm not sure if you can call it a talent, but i have always been able to draw that straight guy to me and make him second guess his whole "just gay for pay" lifestyle. I'm not normally that type. I hate the whole straight boy, confused sexuality thing and it not something i look for like other fags i know.lol. ( love you james). But fuck it, if they are gonna throw me a bone, i'm gonna take it. After the movie is over, as nice as you are, you can go back to leading your confused life, its no skin off my back. Hey, but if i help show you that not all fags are straight up queens and can be butch and proud of taking it in the ass, well then kudos for me.
Anyways, this movie is 1/2 done and i still have 2 more scenes to do. So all these guys will be heading out tonight and then new ones will be coming in. Like i said in my last blog, i'm starting to think, this trip is gonna be to much sex. I also decided to stay in la a couple extra days to get some "me time", that normally consist of alot of sex also. I do have one date set up while i am out here and all i can say about that is.... oh man is it ever gonna be good in so many ways. I might, maybe, slightly possibley give details about it later, i just have to see how it plays out. I dont wanna jinx it just yet.
I would have to say that the meds i been taking are kinda working, at least since i got them and been out here, i havent been depressed at all. I haven't started drinking yet... so i guess we'll have to see how that goes....
Sunday, March 2, 2008
"Succubus: Hell Bent" review
Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)Gary Busey ... Sentinel
David Keith ... Wallace
Lorenzo Lamas ... Flight Instructor
Kelly Hu ... Detective Pei
Natalie Denise Sperl ... Lilith
Jayson Blair ... Jason
Shawna Marie Nelson ... Heather
Ahna O'Reilly ... Bikini Babe
Cameron Goodman ... Kitty Cutie
Rebekah Brandes ... Hottie #2
Amber Flamminio ... Hottie #1
I want to jump right in and praise “Succubus: Hell Bent” for its one positive attribute. That would be Lilith, the hell bent Succubus.
Lilith hooks up with a complete tool bag in Cancun and proceeds to have a demonic fatal attraction to him. He runs back to L.A. only to be stalked by the hellish hottie. The rest of the movie has the moron wondering why this demon is after him and what he plans to do to defeat her evil succubus ways.Other than having a really hot succubus who looks great in black, I can’t think of one positive thing to say about this movie. “Succubus: Hell Bent” starts off with the tool bag and his dad flying jet planes. This lets us know right away that the main character is super rich and needs to be completely despised. Later on, Lorenzo Lamas makes an appearance as a helpful flight instructor who has a dog fight with the jet flying succubus. One of the producers must have a friend at a flight school because I couldn’t understand why a succubus needs to fly a jet to do her dirty work.
In fact, a lot about this movie is bewildering. Like why are Kelly Hu and Gary Busey in it? Both of them show up for ten minute cameos which only serve to remind us that we are not watching a real horror movie. I suspect that the filmmakers really wanted to make a teen “Fatal Attraction/Fear/The Crush/Swimfan” type flick but decided it had been done before. Why not make the same kind of crazy chick movie but with a succubus? And jets! Lots of jet fighter scenes! Those are really scary! No horror movie with a jet has ever been good. This movie proves that point once again.
Comedic horror movies can sometimes be fun but “Succubus: Hell Bent” is a pointless B-movie. It can be skipped. They had a hot girl in black, a rented hotel room and a lot of jets. This was not the ideal mix for a fun horror flick. This movie needed more graphic succubus killings and a lot less scenes of jet fighters. But that’s probably true of most movies.
SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 demonic jets
Well, at least there was Lilith. 
Saturday, March 1, 2008
"Dream Slashers" review
Dream Slashers (2007)Director: Philippe Ney
Writer: Domenic Siclari
Keren Gilbert ... Josey
Jon Seminara ... Charlie Watts
Irwin Keyes ... Sheriff Garza / Pizza Delivery Man
Jossara Jinaro ... Meena Garcia
Emerson Brooks ... Terrence
Ryan Kitley ... Scott
Esme Williams ... Demitria
Monica Gambee ... Monica
Michelle LaFrance ... Jessica
Melissa Tesmer ... Kelly
In any other line of business, fraud would be considered a detriment to a continuing successful enterprise. For some B-movie filmmakers, it’s a necessary business tactic. The description of “Dream Slashers” bears no resemblance to the actual film. I remember reading something about naughty women invading a guy’s dreams and doing some slashing. I can assure you that those naughty women are nowhere near this movie. How naughty of them.
How do B-movie hucksters continually get away with it? If I bought a bag of cookies, and it turned out that there wasn’t anything inside, I could get my money back. Yet if I rent a movie called “Dream Slashers” and it has nothing to do with dreams or slashers or anything else resembling entertainment, I get the finger. Why do B-movie filmmakers hold their audience in such contempt? Do they hate the fact that they are forced to make horror movies? Do they hate consumers in general? What drives people to waste time and money making this garbage only to turn around and try to sell it as something mildly entertaining? These and other questions are pointless to ask as the filmmakers have already taken my money and moved on to their next five movies they’ll crank out this weekend.
So if you are foolish enough to watch this movie, here’s what you get. A bunch of hot women go to their apartment and have a slumber party. They decide to tell scary stories while dressed in lingerie. The girl dressed as the devil has a really scary story to tell and proceeds to ruin the party. She babbles on about a haunted motel in Mexico where two couples hang out and bore to death anyone listening to their mind-numbing tale.
The only hope this movie had of being good was to let the lingerie girls either a) become Dream Slashers like it promised or B) let some hideous maniac attack them while they ran around in their underwear. Why devil girl decided to drag a perfectly good lingerie slumber party into oblivion with her tedious story is beyond me. “Dream Slashers” is the epitome of complete rip-off. It needs to be avoided. It will try to invade your B-movie dreams with its deceitful advertising but be strong and steer clear.
SCORE: 1 out of 4 dreaming lingerie girls
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