Time to make a change.

Its time to refocus myself.

Well i don't think i have hit rock bottom, but i can see that is the way i was going and I'm gonna put the brake on now. Coming back from the Toxic world that is LA, i am filled with the over whelming urge to make a change in my life. And not just a small change like no more drugs and meaningless sex... but i am going to start eating healthy and refocus my life into my body. Make it my new obsession. I'm tired of sex being my obsession. I swear LA was great in a bad way of making me realize after all the sex that i had that i was just bored. New big dick, same old positions, no emotions. When your already thinking of the next guy coming over while the one guy is still in the middle of fucking you, there is a problem. I want emotions and passion. Yes i am a total size queen and that will more than likely never change, but i want the next big dick that fucks me to love me, and maybe not love me, but at least be into me enough that its not just the same old thing.

My last night in LA was pretty interesting and opened me up to some new ideas that i think i might now be able to handle. I went out again with "the revenge date". First let me just say that for a 33 year old he was dressed so amazing, like this Little skater boy, it was adorable. Anyways over the course of the night, he took to much XTC and i had to sit there with him and take care of him. I don't know, but it was a change having to take care of someone versus someone take care of me. I liked it. I liked that he could let loose and not care, i liked that he let me take care of him. It was weird, cuz even thou i knew he is a total player, i said maybe this is they type of guy i should be with and not care about being open to liking other guys, Not like an open relationship, but a relationship without jealousies over dumb shit. Everyone looks, even if they say they don't' they do, i know i do, so why should i get pissed when you do. Maybe i just need to look at the fact that I'm not perfect and find someone that isn't perfect also. I' don't know its just a thought. But Shaun , if you read this, thanks so much for the good time. You were breathe of fresh air for me.

By the end of the night i did so much coke, G and painkillers mixed up with Old English 40's that i was puking all over the place. I disappeared from everyone and went back to my hotel and passed out. When i woke up, it was the start of a new beginning. I said i cant do this anymore. I don't wanna be this person. I want a clear head. I want to be happy. Maybe if i make a huge change maybe it will be what i have been looking for. Maybe I'll just get more depressed. I guess we'll have to find out.