Sorry to leave you hanging....

Sorry to leave everyone hanging...


I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and my blog needed a rest. To be completely honest i was alittle tired of this being the focus of my life. I am absolutely over the phone calls from people either cracking stupid jokes or the people trying to help. Please read the blog but seriously, don't invade my space. I am not a phone person to begin with, what makes you think that i wanna spend anymore time then i want to, to talk with a complete stranger about my feeling none the less? I don't wanna come off like i don't care about every ones concern when reading but please just leave a comment, trust me i read them all.

So this weekend could have gone really bad for me but thanks to focusing my energy into something positive the weekend has come and gone and i feel pretty damn good. Well, A whole hell of alot better than i would have if i attended either the Black Party or Algeria. I think was even supposed to "perform" at the black party. I turned down about 5 different people but i kept being told that the people at black party still had me listed as a performer. Well they can fucking suck it. All their cheap asses offered was a free ticket to basically have sex on stage. You have to be out of your fucking mind. Come on, even if i did lack common sense like most porn stars, my hooker skills would have kicked in and said "oh no, you need to get fucking paid" (and yes my hooker inner monologue speaks like an angry black woman). I was ultimately gonna just go, say i was gonna perform, get my free ticket and disappear into the crowd of shit, sweat and leather. Why the fuck not, i don't think i can make my name any worse in this industry or community than i already have, can I?
Well to make a long story short i choose not to go to spend time with my ex Danny. Even as friends he is keeping me grounded without even knowing it. I don't know if thrown into the enviorment of the those 2 party's if i would be strong enough to resist all the temptation around me. Yeah Danny and i just choose to sit around watching TV, cuddling most of the weekend. But all in all, that makes me feel so much better than any drugs or random hook ups could ever.
You know i have to give myself credit, because i slept over his place on Saturday night and when i woke up that morning, horny as fuck, with morning wood. Instead of pushing myself on him, i just got out of bed and went home. But i didn't stay home, cuz i knew if i sat home alone i would just get myself in trouble by having a trick come over, so i changed my cloths and took a walk to Union Square. The walk took my mind off things. Let me relax. You know, its helping me show myself that i willing put in the effort to make a relationship work with Danny again. Why? Because normally i would just run off and have sex and not care, but i know i have done enough damage between us already that i cant risk anymore fuck up over a brief loss of control. I wanna be in control of myself again. I wanna show him that I'm in control again.
Yes i have more issues than the next guy, but at least my out look is positive now. I am excited to make him proud by making myself into a better person.

It sucks but i am still fighting depression. Its become apprent that i have no control over it and really need to get more meds, becasue regardless of anything they were working for me. There was a couple times while hanging out with danny that i couldnt help having this sinking feeling. I did all i could to fight it and ultimately refocused my head so that i didnt let it control the good time i was having with danny. I also made sure he knew how i was feeling just so that my depression doesnt lead to fights or him thinking something is wrong. It would seem strange to readers since i am so open on here, but i have the hardest time expressing how i feel to loved ones. I supress everything until i blow up. I am really working on just being straight forward now. Open myself up to someone i love. He is worth it. He deserves it. Its just one of the many changes i need to make but it actually feels pretty good.