Not dead yet?....

I guess i need to address something


I have been getting non-stop calls from friends saying "I heard that you have been threatening to kill yourself on your blog, are you alright?"

I am not trying to kill myself.

Yes i have been pretty fucking unhappy, but i am doing my best as of recently to dig myself out of this hole i have dug for myself. Its not going to happen overnight as much as i wish it would. The Glass has been half empty and leaking for a long time. So please bare with my depressing rants. The gun isnt even loaded yet. Its just sitting in the draw. Waiting..... for the day its all sunshine and rainbows. LOL.

I do admit that alot of my fustration with my life has been through bad choices. Porn being number one on my list. I find myself on a regular basis wishing i wasn't me or wishing i chose a differnet route in life. Unfortantley i'm stuck where i am, and just like my unhappiness, the ridiculous petty semi fame i have gotten from this industry will not disappear overnight. If anything it seems to get stronger by the day. In the begining of my career Chris Steele told me "Just Wait, and watch how popular you become" and at that moment it thrilled me. Now when i have fans come up to me and say "holy shit, are you Erik Rhodes" i say no. I say you must be mistaken and downplay it until they are confused or just think i'm a dick. I wish it would just go away. I wish people would want to know me for something i could be proud of and not because they enjoy seeing me get fucked in my ass. I have said it so many times, this industry has sucked the life out of me and i'm never gonna get it back. At one point i was proud of being a porn star, telling myself "this is what everyone wishes they could have done at least once in there life" now i sit an wish i blended in with the crowd. Have a simple life, be like everybody else. But instead of being able to age gracefully... i get to become as has-been. I'm thrilled with the depression that awaits me.

Okay enough with the depression. Brain stop over thinking.

I am doing my best starting now to get myself on my feet. I am trying my best at resisting drugs and alcohol. I am dieting and I have set goals for myself that i'll kill myself to accomplish. I am slowly getting to that better place, that solid ground, where the weight of being a porn star cannot drag me down. I am almost content. Not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but content, almost, and thats good enough for me.