The Caretaker (2008)Director: Bryce Olson
Writer: Jackie Olson
Kira Verrastro... Ella
James Immekus... Snail
Jennifer Freeman... Sonya
Andrew St. John... Topher
Diego J. Torres... Ricky
Victoria Vande Vegte... Chloe
Jennifer Tilly... Miss Perry
Judd Nelson... Ella's Dad
Jonathan Breck... The Limo Driver
Lola Davidson... Missy
I went to see “The Caretaker” the other day at the Fine Arts Theater on Wilshire. When I heard about Jennifer Tilly in a horror flick, I knew this was a film that had to be seen. So I met a few friends at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to get the Saturday night off on the right foot. Nothing says good times like those waffles on Gower St. After eating there, I decided to rate “The Caretaker” based on a scale of 1 to 4 succulent breasts.
Before we left Roscoe’s I was told some interesting stories. One, did you know that McDonalds burgers taste sour? I didn’t understand it either but my friend’s girlfriend insists that the Royale with Cheese is a sour tasting sandwich. Those of us who grew up on it just didn’t understand the concept. I also heard a story about a house in Chatsworth that was rented out for porno shoots. One of my friends knew a guy who used to rent it out and then watch the movie so that they could see their house. “There’s my couch!” Apparently you get more money if you let them use the bedroom but they rarely did that. You’ve got to have some standards. I laughed my head off at this story as it proved my theory that every third house in Chatsworth is used for porn. My friend lives in Van Nuys but that’s used more for editing porn than for shooting it. You get better hourly rates in Chatsworth.
So we left Roscoe’s and headed over to the Fine Arts Theater. I had them follow me down Sunset Blvd because I knew the way. I lost them in about two minutes. Who knew Sunset would be jam packed on a Saturday night besides everybody in the entire world? I called them to see where they were. They had already passed me and were cruising down La Cienega. They had both grown up in L.A. and were zipping through traffic like it was nothing. We parked at the Flynt building and started to walk on over.
We got to the movie theater and the line to get in had just started to move. This was a free movie in order to get some word of mouth going. We were told that Jennifer Tilly and Judd Nelson were going to show up to take questions after the movie was over. I settled in for some Saturday night horror. It was show time.
A bunch of teens decide to scare their dates by pulling a Halloween prank. Instead of going to the school dance, the limo driver takes them to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. They proceed to tell the girls the story of the Caretaker. The Caretaker flipped out one day and chained his wife to her bedroom. He would dispatch people with his killer fruit picker if anyone looked at her. No one knows if the caretaker is still alive or dead. But since this is a horror movie we can assume he’s alive and is going to torment these teens as all good slashers should. Sure enough, he attacks them as soon as the story is over. It was very considerate of him to wait till the end to pounce. He pulls out his deadly fruit picker and the teens run for their lives. Jennifer Tilly and her killer cleavage show up near the end to try to get some fame from dating a serial killer. It ends badly.
First, let me praise the best part of this movie. Near the beginning of the movie, a horny couple enters the house so that they can get ready to help the teens scare their dates. The girl takes her top off and proceeds to bounce around. Then, to prove her worth to her boyfriend, she takes a flashlight, presses it against her breast and turns it on. Her breasts then glow in the dark. Scary! This scene was highly entertaining and I’d like to thank the filmmakers for their glowing breast efforts. That scores it two succulent breasts out of four.
Unfortunately I can’t really say I was too entertained by the rest of the movie. “The Caretaker” is really light on the blood and guts. For a horror movie, this is the kiss of death. The movie is done in a very lighthearted way that doesn’t fit with my idea of what a maniac with a killer fruit picker movie should be. I can think of about five or six gore scenes that should have been in this movie that were shamefully left out. Why didn’t the caretaker shove his fruit picker through someone? Or cut off someone’s head? He should have at least picked out someone’s heart with it. Most of the violent scenes are done off screen with minimal blood effects afterwards. The filmmakers have a very unique slasher weapon with the fruit picker, (as far as I know it’s never been done before), and yet they failed to exploit it.
When the movie was over, the Q&A section began.
Judd Nelson showed up for it but Jennifer Tilly was nowhere in sight. She was very busy with a pair of jacks and was going for a full house. So the moderator asked the cast some very innocuous questions as we waited for the audience to get their turn. The moderator let two people in the audience speak, (I’m guessing friends of the cast as one question was, “You’re all up and coming actors. What other projects do you have coming up?”) My friend was waiting to ask a question about the thumb scene. In one flashback scene, it showed the caretaker’s wife escaping from her chain by biting her thumb off. Later in the movie, another girl is chained to the exact same spot on the floor that the wife was. He was expecting another thumb biting but she just slips out of the handcuff. “I was going to ask them why they built up the thumb biting scene and then forget to have it again. I would have asked but the Q&A was over too quickly. Well, they lost this reviewer after that scene.” Me too man. Me too.
Overall, “The Caretaker” is a goofy little horror movie with not a lot to get excited about. But it’s a competently filmed movie so it didn’t hurt me too much. As we left the theater, they were selling “Caretaker” DVD’s in the lobby. If Tilly had shown up, I would have gotten one and had her sign it. But she went all in after she got a pair of fives and couldn’t make it.
If you’re looking for a scary horror flick, “The Caretaker” is not what you’re looking for. But for a free movie after a delicious waffle dinner at Roscoe’s, “The Caretaker” wasn’t too bad. If you need to see some glow in the dark breasts, this may be worth fast forwarding through to the succulent part.
Before we left Roscoe’s I was told some interesting stories. One, did you know that McDonalds burgers taste sour? I didn’t understand it either but my friend’s girlfriend insists that the Royale with Cheese is a sour tasting sandwich. Those of us who grew up on it just didn’t understand the concept. I also heard a story about a house in Chatsworth that was rented out for porno shoots. One of my friends knew a guy who used to rent it out and then watch the movie so that they could see their house. “There’s my couch!” Apparently you get more money if you let them use the bedroom but they rarely did that. You’ve got to have some standards. I laughed my head off at this story as it proved my theory that every third house in Chatsworth is used for porn. My friend lives in Van Nuys but that’s used more for editing porn than for shooting it. You get better hourly rates in Chatsworth.
So we left Roscoe’s and headed over to the Fine Arts Theater. I had them follow me down Sunset Blvd because I knew the way. I lost them in about two minutes. Who knew Sunset would be jam packed on a Saturday night besides everybody in the entire world? I called them to see where they were. They had already passed me and were cruising down La Cienega. They had both grown up in L.A. and were zipping through traffic like it was nothing. We parked at the Flynt building and started to walk on over.
We got to the movie theater and the line to get in had just started to move. This was a free movie in order to get some word of mouth going. We were told that Jennifer Tilly and Judd Nelson were going to show up to take questions after the movie was over. I settled in for some Saturday night horror. It was show time.
A bunch of teens decide to scare their dates by pulling a Halloween prank. Instead of going to the school dance, the limo driver takes them to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. They proceed to tell the girls the story of the Caretaker. The Caretaker flipped out one day and chained his wife to her bedroom. He would dispatch people with his killer fruit picker if anyone looked at her. No one knows if the caretaker is still alive or dead. But since this is a horror movie we can assume he’s alive and is going to torment these teens as all good slashers should. Sure enough, he attacks them as soon as the story is over. It was very considerate of him to wait till the end to pounce. He pulls out his deadly fruit picker and the teens run for their lives. Jennifer Tilly and her killer cleavage show up near the end to try to get some fame from dating a serial killer. It ends badly.
First, let me praise the best part of this movie. Near the beginning of the movie, a horny couple enters the house so that they can get ready to help the teens scare their dates. The girl takes her top off and proceeds to bounce around. Then, to prove her worth to her boyfriend, she takes a flashlight, presses it against her breast and turns it on. Her breasts then glow in the dark. Scary! This scene was highly entertaining and I’d like to thank the filmmakers for their glowing breast efforts. That scores it two succulent breasts out of four.
Unfortunately I can’t really say I was too entertained by the rest of the movie. “The Caretaker” is really light on the blood and guts. For a horror movie, this is the kiss of death. The movie is done in a very lighthearted way that doesn’t fit with my idea of what a maniac with a killer fruit picker movie should be. I can think of about five or six gore scenes that should have been in this movie that were shamefully left out. Why didn’t the caretaker shove his fruit picker through someone? Or cut off someone’s head? He should have at least picked out someone’s heart with it. Most of the violent scenes are done off screen with minimal blood effects afterwards. The filmmakers have a very unique slasher weapon with the fruit picker, (as far as I know it’s never been done before), and yet they failed to exploit it.
When the movie was over, the Q&A section began.
Judd Nelson showed up for it but Jennifer Tilly was nowhere in sight. She was very busy with a pair of jacks and was going for a full house. So the moderator asked the cast some very innocuous questions as we waited for the audience to get their turn. The moderator let two people in the audience speak, (I’m guessing friends of the cast as one question was, “You’re all up and coming actors. What other projects do you have coming up?”) My friend was waiting to ask a question about the thumb scene. In one flashback scene, it showed the caretaker’s wife escaping from her chain by biting her thumb off. Later in the movie, another girl is chained to the exact same spot on the floor that the wife was. He was expecting another thumb biting but she just slips out of the handcuff. “I was going to ask them why they built up the thumb biting scene and then forget to have it again. I would have asked but the Q&A was over too quickly. Well, they lost this reviewer after that scene.” Me too man. Me too.Overall, “The Caretaker” is a goofy little horror movie with not a lot to get excited about. But it’s a competently filmed movie so it didn’t hurt me too much. As we left the theater, they were selling “Caretaker” DVD’s in the lobby. If Tilly had shown up, I would have gotten one and had her sign it. But she went all in after she got a pair of fives and couldn’t make it.
If you’re looking for a scary horror flick, “The Caretaker” is not what you’re looking for. But for a free movie after a delicious waffle dinner at Roscoe’s, “The Caretaker” wasn’t too bad. If you need to see some glow in the dark breasts, this may be worth fast forwarding through to the succulent part.
SCORE: 2 out of 4 succulent breasts
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