God fucking with me again.

This has happened before and i caved in...


On the cab ride home from JFK, it started. I got my first text from a friend which read "Hey, I got some T, I wanna see you and party". It was disregarded. The next message from another friend came at 10 o'clock the next morning saying basically the same thing. God knows if the texted came at 10 in the morning that this persons binge started at least the night before and he was still going strong the next day looking for more people to fuck and drag down with him. This one was alittle harder to turn down. I stopped and thought to myself, "i don't have anything coming up for a little while, maybe i can just go crazy for a little bit. I mean cuz that's exactly what happens, i go out of control. There was this one time, were i was shooting up so much crystal that i had no control of my arms and legs, they were basically just shaking out of control and i couldn't stop them, so i asked, what at the time i would consider a friends to help hold my arm down and have the another friend shoot me up, just so that i could push my high as far as it would go. Its pretty scary to think, friends would even help me try to kill yourself like i was so indirectly trying to do. But they were pretty high also. So its not there fault. To be honest, they weren't even friends, i couldnt tell you one name. They were Just people to get high with that become friends out of drug use. By the end of that binge i was so gone that i was terrified to even walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real and what i was just making up in my head. My halluciations were unbelievable and are still embeded on my brain. I always look back on that binge and this other binge that landed me in the hospital as the reason why i shouldn't give in. I was a fucking mess. I don't wanna let myself get to that level ever again.
Anyways, The guy from the second text admitted to me that he has had a crush on me and with all his failed attempts to be with me he figured some hot crystal sex would help get my attention. Well, i refuse to continue getting high and confusing it for love. Its funny because i talked about this same person in an earlier blog saying "this is the type of person i need to be around". Jesus. Same old fucking broken rollercoaster, just won't let me the fuck off.
Anyways, the third, semi-friend contacted me yesterday. This one was a porn star i hadn't talked to in awhile, but while i knew him, my nickname for him was "retard". He said he really needed to talk to me cuz he knew i could help him and wouldn't judge him. Well how fucking wrong he was. He claimed that he had just started using Crystal only acouple months ago and had already been to rehab for it. But since he was off crystal he developed A.D.H.D. and he said it was making him miserable. He said " Erik please, for a better way of life, i need to get crystal, and i need your help".
The first thing i thought was of course a retard would claim crystal would give him a better life. But then i thought of all the people who have posted on this blog and said to him what i think reader would tell me to tell him, i said, "The best help i can give you is, to urge you to go buy a gun and blow your brains out now, before you get any worse" That was the end of the conversation.
I just can't seem to get over that fact that drugs are all around me. Whether in LA or here in NYC. More and more of my once friends are turning into junkies. Not just junkies but junkies with HIV. Its pretty goddamn scary. But i think to myself, how the fuck have i gotten so lucky? My drug stories can put anything you can ever think of to shame and I'm still okay.
At the moment, i have refocused my insanity toward other things and its been working. You know, as awful as my over thinking is at times, it honestly has helped me to. These other guys who get wrapped up in drugs don't have crazy obsessions to help dig themselves out of there holes. So, you know what, Thank you crazy brain. Thank you for being crazy. So far you have kept me alive.