Desperate times are not over now...

A had another nightmare...


Not sure if you can call it a nightmare, more like an imagine that kept play through my head that i just didn't wanna see anymore. I was My ex, sitting on our couch, staring at me with the with this puppy dog face he would do that would melt my heart. The kinda face that would win you over regardless of the situation. The same face that began to fade away as we got more and more used to each other. Either way it was a face to let me know everything was alright. I woke up upset and unable to go back to sleep because i don't have that face anymore. Its not like i wanna get back with him, but I'm restless for that comfort again.
I think the reason for this dream came from all the references i made about my ex in a conversation i had with my brother about why he should not forgive his Gf and leave that miserable relationship behind. My brother is having second thoughts about leaving his Fiance. I think mostly because he is not ready to make a change. He can't picture himself without her and regardless of how possessive and controlling she was to him, staying with her is better than being alone. I still have those feelings myself and i do anything i can to not be alone. Shit, i fucking go to the movies all the time by myself, just so that i can have people around me. Its still pretty lonely but at least I'm not alone. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it has been working. That and non stop compulsive shopping.
Anyways, i had mentioned my brother and I are the same person, well this just proves it. I was the same way. But he's gonna have to figure out on his own, that getting back together might feel good cuz he wont be alone but its not gonna fix the overall problem. I can only provide support at this point.

moving on...

I head over to LA this weekend to film what will hopefully be one of my last movies in the porn industry. I'm excited to get away from New York for awhile, but hate the fact that my whole time will be centered around making this movie. Since i will be the main star of the movie i will be filming 3 scenes and then directing the sex of 4th scene. Crazy. For once i think it will be to much sex for me. I totally predict me throwing acouple "porn star diva fits". As i call them after watching my best porn star buddy Matthew Rush throw a few over the course of our relationship with falcon. I love him, but when he gets pissed, oh boy does the diva ever come out. LOVE YA matty!


My nerves have been getting the best of me again and i have to head back to see a doctor today. I'm sure the visit will end with a couple scripts to help validate my sorrow. So that makes me happy for now at least.


Quote for this blog:

"So say goodbye to love, and hold your head up high.
There is no need to rush because we are all just waiting, waiting to die." ~Dallas Green

Go Figure...

So my Twin Brother calls me this morning at 7 in the morning to tell me some fucked up news. I'm not gonna go into details because thats his life and i dont wanna make his life public, but he is looking to get out of his current situation because it was honestly a mirror image of the situation i was in with my ex.
Anyways, i think the best thing for him is to move in with me. He currently is car-less living on long island and anyone that knows the area, long island without a car doesnt work. Plus it will be great for me since i will have my best friend back with me at all times. After 26 years we are still the same person and laugh over all the same stupid shit. Granted he is straight, but he has never treated me any differently since i came out to him back when i did. I will do anything for him.
I'm sure he is gonna end up being depressed, cuz i can feel how much he is hurting. I wasnt able to go back to sleep after he called me this morning because i felt like it was me going thru my break up all over again.
All i said i ever need in this world is him and i'm sure if he moves out here we can forget all about the fucked up people we seem to let take over our lives. I will support him and he will support me. At least we both can always go home know that we have someone there that isnt gonna try and hurt us judge us or try and control us.

Jon, i love you and we'll get thru this together!

Floating away...

Last night was a mess, today i feel like a mess....

I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs.

Last night i went out with the intentions of having a good time. Quicker than i could walk to the back of the club, the night was a distater and i am the only one to blame. Kinda.
I hate drinking now so i have found relief of my social anxiety by doing alot of GHB. To make a long story short, by the time i got to the bar i was already sinking, and by the time i made it thru the club i was full on "G'ing Out". It was so bad that as i sat in the back of the club the trainwreck which i became drew a crowd of friends, ex's and strangers all looking to "help me". As i sat there with my head on the table, eyes rolling around with no control and drooling on myself, i even had complete strangers coming up to me saying "come with me, my place is right around the corner from here". No shocker there i guess. But as i got worse, the crowd of friend and ex's seemed like they were all fighting over me. It honestly seemed like there was no real concern about my well being as there was the thrill of having the oppertunity to have a wrecked porn star in their apartment and at their mercy. I think the ex's were having a "who has the bigger dick" fight and the friends were looking for something to prove in front of the crowd, like "look at me, i'm saving him". In reality they should have just let me bottom the fuck out. Nothing like being in that situation and have no one care, it kinda lets you rethink your steps. Well at the same time, i'm not sure if they cared as much as they just saw an oppertunity. Anyways, i just got more sick as the crowd seemed to fight each other and somehow stumbled out the club and threw up like any good ol' drunk. Obviously, playing housewife so long i dont know my pussy ass tolerance. My friend finally got me in a cab and got me home since i totally forgot where i lived.... I'll leave out some of the shady shit that happened later that night but trust me it has me rethinking alot of things. It has only fed my insecuritys and hatred for gay men. I woke up this morning asking myself, "why would someone do that to me...". The reason, is cuz all am to these people, friends and ex's is an object. Nothing more.

I woke up more depressed then ever and not because of the G. That was my fault. It was everything else. Then on top of that it was my first time see my most current ex since i moved out. I could even make eye contact. I just walked by like i didnt see him as much as he knew i did. I just wanted to break down as i walked away, cuz all i can think is "look what the fuck i'm becoming, look at the mess i'm turning into", as much as things didnt work bewteen us, at least i was grounded. Now, i'm just floating away and i cant even stop myself. I have no reason to. I just dont care anymore.

"Life is good, Life is fucking great"... i think that was the quote... well not for me.

A long day...

Well i just finished a long day....



Today, i had 2 photoshoots back to back. The first was for woman's couture by the designer Carmen Marc Valvo and the next was for Loehmanns spring cataloge. We started shooting this morning at 9 and ended at about 815 tonight. As pussy as it sounds i had had a tooth ache for about 3 days now and last night it was so bad i couldnt sleep. I almost canceled both shoots today. That on top of my work out routine and not drinking water for the last couple days so that i good for the shoots, i feel like death. The constant feeling like someone is drilling through my head is enough to wanna dig thru my stash of drugs to make the pain go away.
But first the shoots....the first for C.M.V. i just basically was the naked slave of some high end Brazilian model. She was basically a bitch to me most of the shoot. At one point she snapped at me cuz i was positioned kinda holding her ass/love handle. I should have remembered for all the girls i dated that this is like a girls weak point and main focus of anorexiea. I guess for her it was no different.
My second shoot was for Loehmanns. This has been my third time shooting for them and yet i think i have actually stepped foot into an actual Loehmanns store less times. Not that i dont like loehmanns, cuz let me tell you, some of the stuff i was dressed in i did feel like stealing. But as a kid my mom traumatized me and my siblings with extended tripps to TJ Maxx and Loehmanns kinda has that same feel except its more high end. Most my outfits for this shoot, looked like i was ready for the Hamptons. Totally not me. But then i think that's kinda the point. Make you look at the add more then once and say.... "is that Erik Rhodes? What the fuck?"

By the end of the day the pain in my face is unbearable. I go to Mcdonalds like a fat shit since i havent eatten all day and wash it down with Poweraid and a couple doses of G. Thankfully the painsubsides alittle and i have a friend come over so that i and get some naked cuddling in. G makes me into a horny fuck and regardless of the pain, it feels alot better when i can feel a big dick behind me as i watch the opening episode of Americas Next top Model. Well i tried to watch it. I passed out, i think. Maybe i got fucked? Either way, its off to the the dentist today, thank god for dental insurance. Cuz this is gonna be bad.

Just let me be, when i'm crazy.

Its good to be home! Is it really?

So i'm back in NYC and this was one of the first time in a long time, that i wanted to stay away. I'm not exactly sure i wanted to stay in the homeless shelter that make up San Fran but i'm posative i didnt want to come back here. Anyways, thank god for my friend Joe getting me work to keep myself focused at the gym instead of just letting myself slip away more than i let myself over this past weekend. I would have to say there was a couple times over this weekend that i just felt like giving up on everything, but these jobs will be somewhat motivating. Motivating enough to keep my mind else where. Then with filming a new movie in early March hopefully i will stay in that motivated state of mind.
Its funny because someone had reffered to me as the Britney Spears of gay porn and i just dont think that comparison hold any weight. I know i have tons of problems and issues and i can admit to that. She on the other hand is cluless. Like i said, if i just have the right motivation, i can snap myself out of anything, at least for alittle while.
"Idle Hands" is my problem. Letting my self sit here and wish for death just doesn't solve anything. As dumb as hanging out with ex's before my current ex sounds its been a huge relief. Someone i can lay with and put my head on there chest and feel comfortable with even if its just as friends now. i need. I need the support and comfort from a man regardless of who it is. Not to downplay their iportantance to me but they are just a band-aid until i can find that new person to make me feel comfortable. It doesn't seem like it gonna happen anytime soon as much as i wished it would. So occupying my time with friend, ex's and tricks will have to do. It was weird this morning, after i left this tricks place, i kinda had this feeling of relief, like maybe i was gonna be okay with being single. I'm not sure, it was kinda early and i did get fucked pretty stupid, so maybe it was just the endophins fucking with me. Either way... i'm focused right now, semi-happy and not wishing for death....but if i do get hit by a cab on my way to the gym... well, Thanks god.

More

"More"

At first I wanted
you to fuck me

Then i became greedy
I wanted you to
love me

So I asked for more.


~ Tracey Emin

No surprises here....

I lost... again.


Apprently each year i do porn i'm just good enough to be nominnated but not great enough to win myself an award. O and 9 now. I'm not surprised. I did alot better holding in my extreme fustration in losing this year, so i do give myself some credit. Yes i am a sore loser, but i just whored it up and drank away the feelings. Should have gone as far as getting blowjob right there in the front row during the ceremony? Maybe not, but when someone as hot as the guy going it, is doing it, well... i just dont have that type of control.
Apart from losing my awards, i did have a pretty amazing night. I'm not sure how i determine what makes an amazing night? But i guess i'm equating my night the amount of gorgeous guys i got to hook up with. I know that i was basically doing it to make myself feel better, but fuck it. it was totally worth it and justified in my eyes. When else do i get to play around with the guys from other studios?
Which leads me to "The Pretty Russian". I woke up this morning, cuddling with one of the cutest guys i have come across in a long time. I stared at him while he slept. There was something about the hair on his stomach that made me think, "Jesus, this is why i love being gay, this is why i love men, this makes me happy". I laid my head on chest and went back to bed with a smile on my face dispite my vicious hangover.

I'm just happy this weekend is over. It was just to much socializing for my taste. To many "are you alright's" to make anyone crazy. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, alone and i'm trying my best to not get back into the depression that i did so well avoiding this whole weekend. I also have had way to much sex to get my head off things by spending my time with another trick. This honestly sucks, and i dont know what else to do with myself. Maybe i'll go on another pathetic solo mission to the movies.... anything to not have to dwell in my thoughts. Anything to distract myself from overthinking.

One last thing...
This blog is not a fake or a pr stunt. Shit, i dont think any studio would ever say.... "yes Erik, please blog about how miserable you are. Thats a great way to get attention". I'm sure my company, bites its nails everytime i write a new blog, i'm sure they are afraid what i'm gonna say next. All i can say is sorry. I will not censor myself to please anyone. Once i do that, then this blog will not be mine anymore.

no...no....i'm not alright.

I'm here in San Fran for the Gayvn porn awards that will take place later tonight. I'm prepared to lose the 2 awards that i'm up for. i am here just desperatly trying to have a good time with people i do honestly enjoy being around. But I can help to feel locked into "Erik Rhodes mode", the happy go lucky party guy that is smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. Always stalking the crowd for the person he used to valid his life. I mean, i knew that how's it would be getting here, i guess doing it during my depression is just making me sick.
anyways,
This blog is now what i can only discribe as "Porn Star Pop Culture" and it has become the topic of conversation with most the the people i have come into contact with so far since being out here, oh that and "page 6". It seem like people want my to take pics with me more than ever. I can only assume the reason behind it is 2 things. 1. They think the page 6 whole Marc Jacobs thing, is my ticket to the big time and that now i'm more important that ever or 2. they are just getting there last pics with me before they think i gonna kill myself. Its funny how many of us "adult actors" drop dead in between awards seasons. I guess with a blog like mine, everyone is just getting better prepared to be able to claim like the knew me, so that when i die they get there half a second of gay porn media time to say "I knew Erik Rhodes, he was such as ------- person". If the fill in the blank with anything but "miserable", there guess about knowing me is not even close.

I have been over medicating myself since i got here, to San Fran. I need to. Just giving everyone a fake smile long enough to make them believe i just might be alright. This is all an illiusion.
The loneliness of one messed up man hidden behind anti-depressants, vicodin, alcohol and anything that can be bumped in the bathroom. A worthless fuck as a band-aid and a Valium to turn out the lights. I love my life.

Don't cry out...

I'm so tired of this. I have been trying so hard to walk thru life like everyone else, trying to find some significance in my meanless routine, but its just not working.... But was it ever really working or was having a boyfriend just enough of a band-aid to make me think everything was okay? As miserable and fake as my relationship was, i kinda wish i was still lost in that made up world. Being alone is not all i thought and hoped it would be. I have a bunch of little kids trying to win me over and the ones i actually spend time alone with i pick apart and basically they never stand a chance. I feel like Jerry Seinfeld on his show. He would find all these insignificant flaws in each girl he would date from a woman having "man hands" to the girl that looked scary in select lighting. Yet he wasnt miserable about it. I wish i could laugh it off, but i don't. And yet, i sit there and suffer, pretending i like these people enough to not hurt their feeling and never having the balls to say " this is just not gonna work". Maybe i should talk to them before i fuck them. Then maybe i wont feel so bad? Either way i end up sitting there for what seems like hours, saying to myself "just shut the fuck up and leave". I guess the best way to get rid of anyone now is just mention my time with them on this blog and then its splitsville, with a new enemy made. It seem like everyone reads this piece of shit now.

I desperately want someone to love, yet, i am way to picky. And should i be? i'm sure the majority of guys out there wouldnt even consider me as BF matieral. who wants to date a "porn star cartoon character" as some has just recently called me. (like the more i give to you, the more the real me dies) It funny, i had mentioned in an earlier blog, about guys who are attracted to depression, well i think reader would be surprised with the tons of calls and propositions that i have gotten because of this blog, like readers think i am something worth fixing, like they hold the key to my better life. As nice as it is, its feel worthless to me. I need to figure this out on my own. It just seems like life has come down to finding a way to pay rent...and is that really a life worth living. I sure as fuck dont think so. What else is there? Another fake relationship and more wasted time. Maybe partying and drugs? Maybe more porn and losing whats left of my withering soul or..... fuck who knows. I still havent got myself on anti-depressants yet and i'm feeling more and more hollow everyday. All that is honestly left is pretnding everyday that i'm this made up character. It all i got to hold on to, cuz there is nothing else.

"Decadent Evil II" review

Decadent Evil II (2007)

Director: Charles Band
Writer: August White

Jill Michelle ... Sugar
Daniel Lennox ... Dex
Ricardo Gil ... Ivan
James C. Burns ... Burke
Jeff Allen ... Bathroom Guy
Jessica Morris ... Lena

I can always tell when the hot babe in a B-movie is not going to get naked and knowing this fills me with despair. My sixth sense on these things is strong. In the first few minutes of “Decadent Evil II”, we are introduced to a vampire stripper named Sugar. Now given the profession she’s in, it would be reasonable to expect Sugar to get naked within seconds. But I could tell she was trying to be a real actress and we weren’t going to get any sugar tonight. Don’t you hate when that happens?

So Sugar and her constantly bewildered boyfriend are in Little Rock, Arkansas to get some vampire blood. They’ve brought along a dead midget vampire slayer and a small horny doll who happens to be the midget’s dad. Don’t ask. Anyway, Sugar decides to track down the head of a vampire clan by playing spin the crucifix and seeing where it lands. Lucky for us, it points at a sleazy strip club. Sugar and her boyfriend decide to get jobs at the club so they can go undercover and flush out the vamp.

I am the type of guy who will always find something worthwhile about any movie that has strip club scenes. “Decadent Evil II” has a couple of scenes of strippers stripping so that’s always good for some cheap B-movie thrills. As for the rest of the movie, it was pretty standard. Sugar decides not to strip which frustrates the vampire out of hiding and ends in a fairly cheap battle to the death.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with “Decadent Evil II” but it didn’t really live up to its promise of decadent evil. The filmmakers must have realized this by ending the film with the horny doll giving one of the vampire strippers some serious doll loving. He’s the kind of doll who gets lonely in his hamster cage and wears loud Hawaiian shirts. Oh yes, they make Hawaiian shirts for killer dolls. Ladies can’t resist them. Once they see the shirt and his cool hamster wheel, it’s on. Pure decadence.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 for stripper decadence

My 26th B-day

My birthday night...



So i 'm 26 now and let me start this blog off with a bit of happiness for once. My birthday was amazing. I started the night by attending Marc Jacobs fashion show and sitting in the front row with my date, Jason Preston. The show was breath taking, beside Marc's fall collection being absolutley beautiful, Sonic Youth performed as the models walked the runway. When the show was over i found myself face to face with some pretty interesting people that i'm have no problem talking shit about. Kevin Federline: Absolutely disgusting in person. I got a good laugh as Marc played off the sinsignificance of meetting the wanna be rapper. Selma Blair: so cute and nice. Victoria Beckham: this bitch needed to get out of my face. No bitch i would never wanna come back satge at a spice girls concert. Where is your husband?

The afterparty was just as amazing. The Daily News claimed there was alot of sexula tension in the air:
"And then there was Jacobs' sometime fiancé Jason Preston, who found himself face-to-face with ab-rific porn star Erik Rhodes. All three of them got dirty on the dance floor and in a banquette. It was Jason touching Erik and Erik touching Jason and both of them touching Marc all night long.
When we asked Eric about his relationship with Jacobs, he just lifted his shirt to reveal a 12-pack. Guess we had our answer."

Sorry that's not exactly what happened... but it sounds like a good story right. Like i talk by showing my abs and it just happens to mean :"yes daily news, marc and i fuck our brains out". Like i said before, this just goes to show you, that you cant believe everything you read.

Anyways, i spent the rest of the afterparty socializing with the likes of Lil' Kim, who is amazing and other less worthy celebs in my eyes like Rachel Zoe. I concluded my night with quite diner with Marc and jason. I sware to God, they gave me the best birthday i could have ever asked for. These are the types of people i need in my life. Regardless of all the celebs i met, it didnt even compare to just hanging with them. Even right now writing this it makes me happy as a clam. So if you guys are reading this. Thank you so much. XOXO.


(oh and as for some of the websites telling me to shut up about Marc Jacobs if there is no story... trust me i will. Because there isn't. I was just blogging about my weekend. End of story. But keep enjoying reading my blog looking for a story)


-----------------------------------------------------------

So Saturday Night

I ended up going to the party that replaced The Roxy here in New York called Stereo and a huge shocker to my friends but i ended up leaving the party by myself. I'm not gonna say that it was an ugly party at all, because it wasn't. It was just an ugly scene in terms that its the same people. Just older. Still just living for the weekends and dance music and popping pills of exstacy. Seriously, i didnt even know that people were still doing exstacy. What is this high school?
Anyways, I tried to find someone worth talking to, but the more i thought about it the less i thought i could even give a fuck about someone that make this type of party there life. What turns fags on about dancing shirtless, being covering is the sweat and stench of 600 misc guys and listening to the same beat till the early morning. Its funny cuz i saw a couple of guys that i used to have a hugest crushes on back when i used to go to roxy, and they are still doing the same shit years later. Still tweaking, shirtless and looking for meaningless sex. These are the types of guys, i want in my life? Fuck that. I just kept saying to myself, "yeah i could have sex with anyone here, but who out of this crowd of guys do i wanna cuddle with and wake up next to" the answer was none of them. So i left by myself. It was a waste of time, but an eye opener.

"Cloak & Shag Her" review

Cloak & Shag Her (2008)

Director: William Hellfire
Writer: William Hellfire

Darian Caine ... Dr. Mean
C.J. DiMarsico ... Bitters
A.J. Khan ... Nurse Notsonice
Ruby Larocca ... Serving Girl
Deal Paul ... Basil Shagalittle
Julian Wells ... April Flowers

Blimey! It’s the Julian Wells summer of love! “Cloak and Shag Her” is a Julian Wells gold mine. I’m not suggesting that it’s a good movie, (or even a movie for that matter), but it will give you all of the Wells love making you desire.

As a gourmet connoisseur of Julian Wells carnal exploits, I would rank “Cloak and Shag Her” among her top three flicks. For the record, my top three Wells cinematic adventures are “The Seduction of Misty Mundae”, “Dr. Jekyll and Mistress Hyde” and “Cloak and Shag Her”. Honorable mention goes to “Bite Me” for being a fun movie although the Wells love machine is cooled off in that one.

Speaking of Julian getting laid, “Cloak and Shag Her” has her using her beguiling body to seduce any female that gets in her way. She is April Flowers, groovy international nympho. She’s on a time travel mission to stop Dr. Mean from doing something bad. This gives her plenty of opportunity to undress her opponents and use her patented Flower power on them. Every sex scene in “Cloak and Shag Her” has Julian Wells kissing and licking whatever nefarious woman decides to do battle with her in the bedroom. Total Wells domination.

It would be stretching it to call “Cloak and Shag Her” a movie. It runs a little over an hour with five minutes of it being a filler scene. A subtitle announces “Meanwhile back in the sixties” as some horrid retro loop of a stripping 60’s babe plays out for our supposed enjoyment. Seduction Cinema must have done a lot of dumpster diving around 42nd Street to find all of these old loops. I think it’s time to call the porno preservation society and donate them for posterity. They are proving to be too tempting to shove them into their new flicks when the run time comes up short.

“Cloak and Shag Her” is full of Julian Wells sex scenes and not much else. But really, what else do you need? Wells gets naked with most of the Seduction women but not the main one. Shockingly, Misty Mundae does not show up for her usual quality time with Julian. How hippie chick Mundae missed out on this golden opportunity for a proper shag with Julian is unknown. But A.J. Khan and Darian Caine get to have their turn with Julian and they don’t waste the opportunity. So if you’re looking for a bloody good time with special agent Julian Wells, check this one out. Love is all around her, and so the feeling grows...

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 shagadelic Wells