Don't cry out...

I'm so tired of this. I have been trying so hard to walk thru life like everyone else, trying to find some significance in my meanless routine, but its just not working.... But was it ever really working or was having a boyfriend just enough of a band-aid to make me think everything was okay? As miserable and fake as my relationship was, i kinda wish i was still lost in that made up world. Being alone is not all i thought and hoped it would be. I have a bunch of little kids trying to win me over and the ones i actually spend time alone with i pick apart and basically they never stand a chance. I feel like Jerry Seinfeld on his show. He would find all these insignificant flaws in each girl he would date from a woman having "man hands" to the girl that looked scary in select lighting. Yet he wasnt miserable about it. I wish i could laugh it off, but i don't. And yet, i sit there and suffer, pretending i like these people enough to not hurt their feeling and never having the balls to say " this is just not gonna work". Maybe i should talk to them before i fuck them. Then maybe i wont feel so bad? Either way i end up sitting there for what seems like hours, saying to myself "just shut the fuck up and leave". I guess the best way to get rid of anyone now is just mention my time with them on this blog and then its splitsville, with a new enemy made. It seem like everyone reads this piece of shit now.

I desperately want someone to love, yet, i am way to picky. And should i be? i'm sure the majority of guys out there wouldnt even consider me as BF matieral. who wants to date a "porn star cartoon character" as some has just recently called me. (like the more i give to you, the more the real me dies) It funny, i had mentioned in an earlier blog, about guys who are attracted to depression, well i think reader would be surprised with the tons of calls and propositions that i have gotten because of this blog, like readers think i am something worth fixing, like they hold the key to my better life. As nice as it is, its feel worthless to me. I need to figure this out on my own. It just seems like life has come down to finding a way to pay rent...and is that really a life worth living. I sure as fuck dont think so. What else is there? Another fake relationship and more wasted time. Maybe partying and drugs? Maybe more porn and losing whats left of my withering soul or..... fuck who knows. I still havent got myself on anti-depressants yet and i'm feeling more and more hollow everyday. All that is honestly left is pretnding everyday that i'm this made up character. It all i got to hold on to, cuz there is nothing else.