Just let me be, when i'm crazy.

Its good to be home! Is it really?

So i'm back in NYC and this was one of the first time in a long time, that i wanted to stay away. I'm not exactly sure i wanted to stay in the homeless shelter that make up San Fran but i'm posative i didnt want to come back here. Anyways, thank god for my friend Joe getting me work to keep myself focused at the gym instead of just letting myself slip away more than i let myself over this past weekend. I would have to say there was a couple times over this weekend that i just felt like giving up on everything, but these jobs will be somewhat motivating. Motivating enough to keep my mind else where. Then with filming a new movie in early March hopefully i will stay in that motivated state of mind.
Its funny because someone had reffered to me as the Britney Spears of gay porn and i just dont think that comparison hold any weight. I know i have tons of problems and issues and i can admit to that. She on the other hand is cluless. Like i said, if i just have the right motivation, i can snap myself out of anything, at least for alittle while.
"Idle Hands" is my problem. Letting my self sit here and wish for death just doesn't solve anything. As dumb as hanging out with ex's before my current ex sounds its been a huge relief. Someone i can lay with and put my head on there chest and feel comfortable with even if its just as friends now. i need. I need the support and comfort from a man regardless of who it is. Not to downplay their iportantance to me but they are just a band-aid until i can find that new person to make me feel comfortable. It doesn't seem like it gonna happen anytime soon as much as i wished it would. So occupying my time with friend, ex's and tricks will have to do. It was weird this morning, after i left this tricks place, i kinda had this feeling of relief, like maybe i was gonna be okay with being single. I'm not sure, it was kinda early and i did get fucked pretty stupid, so maybe it was just the endophins fucking with me. Either way... i'm focused right now, semi-happy and not wishing for death....but if i do get hit by a cab on my way to the gym... well, Thanks god.