no...no....i'm not alright.

I'm here in San Fran for the Gayvn porn awards that will take place later tonight. I'm prepared to lose the 2 awards that i'm up for. i am here just desperatly trying to have a good time with people i do honestly enjoy being around. But I can help to feel locked into "Erik Rhodes mode", the happy go lucky party guy that is smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. Always stalking the crowd for the person he used to valid his life. I mean, i knew that how's it would be getting here, i guess doing it during my depression is just making me sick.
anyways,
This blog is now what i can only discribe as "Porn Star Pop Culture" and it has become the topic of conversation with most the the people i have come into contact with so far since being out here, oh that and "page 6". It seem like people want my to take pics with me more than ever. I can only assume the reason behind it is 2 things. 1. They think the page 6 whole Marc Jacobs thing, is my ticket to the big time and that now i'm more important that ever or 2. they are just getting there last pics with me before they think i gonna kill myself. Its funny how many of us "adult actors" drop dead in between awards seasons. I guess with a blog like mine, everyone is just getting better prepared to be able to claim like the knew me, so that when i die they get there half a second of gay porn media time to say "I knew Erik Rhodes, he was such as ------- person". If the fill in the blank with anything but "miserable", there guess about knowing me is not even close.

I have been over medicating myself since i got here, to San Fran. I need to. Just giving everyone a fake smile long enough to make them believe i just might be alright. This is all an illiusion.
The loneliness of one messed up man hidden behind anti-depressants, vicodin, alcohol and anything that can be bumped in the bathroom. A worthless fuck as a band-aid and a Valium to turn out the lights. I love my life.