Floating away...

Last night was a mess, today i feel like a mess....

I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs.

Last night i went out with the intentions of having a good time. Quicker than i could walk to the back of the club, the night was a distater and i am the only one to blame. Kinda.
I hate drinking now so i have found relief of my social anxiety by doing alot of GHB. To make a long story short, by the time i got to the bar i was already sinking, and by the time i made it thru the club i was full on "G'ing Out". It was so bad that as i sat in the back of the club the trainwreck which i became drew a crowd of friends, ex's and strangers all looking to "help me". As i sat there with my head on the table, eyes rolling around with no control and drooling on myself, i even had complete strangers coming up to me saying "come with me, my place is right around the corner from here". No shocker there i guess. But as i got worse, the crowd of friend and ex's seemed like they were all fighting over me. It honestly seemed like there was no real concern about my well being as there was the thrill of having the oppertunity to have a wrecked porn star in their apartment and at their mercy. I think the ex's were having a "who has the bigger dick" fight and the friends were looking for something to prove in front of the crowd, like "look at me, i'm saving him". In reality they should have just let me bottom the fuck out. Nothing like being in that situation and have no one care, it kinda lets you rethink your steps. Well at the same time, i'm not sure if they cared as much as they just saw an oppertunity. Anyways, i just got more sick as the crowd seemed to fight each other and somehow stumbled out the club and threw up like any good ol' drunk. Obviously, playing housewife so long i dont know my pussy ass tolerance. My friend finally got me in a cab and got me home since i totally forgot where i lived.... I'll leave out some of the shady shit that happened later that night but trust me it has me rethinking alot of things. It has only fed my insecuritys and hatred for gay men. I woke up this morning asking myself, "why would someone do that to me...". The reason, is cuz all am to these people, friends and ex's is an object. Nothing more.

I woke up more depressed then ever and not because of the G. That was my fault. It was everything else. Then on top of that it was my first time see my most current ex since i moved out. I could even make eye contact. I just walked by like i didnt see him as much as he knew i did. I just wanted to break down as i walked away, cuz all i can think is "look what the fuck i'm becoming, look at the mess i'm turning into", as much as things didnt work bewteen us, at least i was grounded. Now, i'm just floating away and i cant even stop myself. I have no reason to. I just dont care anymore.

"Life is good, Life is fucking great"... i think that was the quote... well not for me.